~ The easiest way to find out who your true friends are ~ is to need one ~ I highly recommend that you brace yourself, for you just may find out that the one person you trusted the most won't be there ~
I remember when I found out that I was expecting Bennett-Chadlen. The first phone call I made was to my "best friend". I shared all my fears and my inner-most thoughts. I shed tears. I thanked her for listening.
Skip ahead a few months. I found out that Bennett-Chadlen might have a chromosomal abnormality. I phoned her numerous times and left more messages than I could keep track of. I sent emails. I heard nothing in response.
I got the results and kept calling with URGENT information to please call me immediately......this is an emergency involving life and death here!! Still......no reply.
3 weeks later.......I called to wish her a Happy Birthday. That's what good friends do, right? We aren't supposed to ignore these important dates! Again......I left another message and hung up the phone with a very downtrodden spirit.
When I finally did get through to her I couldn't believe what she said to me after I asked these questions:
WHERE have you been? Is everything okay? Is there anything I can do for you?
After listening to her discuss her husband and boyfriend problems (YES, you read that correctly) I then shared my very heartbreaking news with her. Her response was not what I anticipated that it might be. Seriously----I waited weeks for this crummy response.
"I'm sorry that MY life doesn't concern Life or Death matters, but it's still very serious to me".
(Gee, I feel so sorry for you that your husband doesn't embrace your boyfriend as another member of your family)
"Call me when this all blows over and we'll go dancing".
OUCH. WTF? Who says shit like this to someone, especially after 20 yrs of a very good friendship?
Hindsight being what it is, I realize now that our friendship sustained itself for 2 decades because I never did have any reason to lean on her and request some comfort and support. It was always about HER, and what I could DO FOR her.
Needless to say, we haven't spoken since.....as I abruptly ended that conversation with a few choice words and the slamming down of the phone. I did cry though, and I felt completely alone and helpless.
I'm on the 4 year stretch of Nimkee's anniversaries........and luckily for me, I probably have at least a dozen more reasons to dance than she ever will.
Rejection sucks.
Its funny how something like that really does show us who our true friends are. Once we found out Kiernan was sick EVERYONE disappeared EXCEPT Danielle. The funny thing was that Danielle and I at that time we still just getting to know eachother better. I had no idea she would end up being the best friend I have now. My friend Angela who was literally there right after i found out Kiernan was sick had just started dating someone so yeah and imagine that she doesnt even call or return texts now. I LOVE YOU MEL and I will always do my best to be there for you. I may not always be able to at the right moment but I will always return emails or calls and chat on yahoo when I can. I wish others really understood that friendship is a relationship and ALL relationships need to be 2 way to work.
ReplyDeleteLOVE YOU!!!
It is amazing where one will find kindness and support in times like the one you just mentioned. Sometimes it comes from places you least expect it. Like from a blog or online community.
ReplyDeleteFor us, people kind of didn't know what to expect or whether or not Little One would survive. I would like to believe that THAT is why they chose to not say anything or not visit us in the hospital. Though her case was nothing at all like Nimkee's, it was hard for me as well. I can't even imagine what you were going through. I give you so much respect and admiration for your strength. You are amazing.
Anyway, you really do realize who is important and who really cares when you're in situations like this. I feel blessed that some of my family and friends came to the hospital to be with us. I was surprised that certain others didn't come. Even a phone call was welcomed though. At least it showed that someone was thinking of us :)
The odd thing is that I found support in the other parents in the NICU. We have since remained very good friends :) I guess it's the understanding because of shared experience that makes the bond all the stronger? I don't know.
Like your other commenter wrote, I will also try to do what I can to offer you support, love, and friendship. xx
~thanks ladies! I know you both have had similar experiences with your own children. It's not easy to sit idly by and watch, wonder, and pray about what may happen next.
ReplyDelete~I don't ever put my significant other ahead of my friends. If he can't accept that I have friends and a life that doesn't revolve around him, then we just aren't going to be together.
All relationships require a little effort and a whole lot of mutual respect. I have never walked away from a friend when they need someone. In fact, I spend my days communicating with strangers and people I've never met face to face because I have compassion and empathy. I don't like to be the cause of anybody's sufferance or heartache, and if I can do something to help comfort and relieve someone's pains, then I'll do it.
~this friend was so selfish. She would leave the kids home with her husband while she went out to meet with men she connected with through 'plenty-of-fish'. She was also having a sexual relationship with a co-worker. I didn't condone that at all, but I did try to counsel her to just walk out of the marriage if things had sunk to that level.
I don't really care what adults do to each other----but when you cheat on your husband, you are also cheating on your kids. Children deserve better than that from their parents.
She used to sit in a bar waiting for the boyfriend to show up, and because she didn't want to feel uncomfortable she would phone me from her cell and I'd 'keep her company' until he got there---if he happened to show at all.
I knew he was only after one thing, and I figured I'd just sit there and be the one to say "I told ya so"....now back to your kids and grow up.
Some people just deserve to be alone, but when children are involved I try to do what I can to help everyone through the dips and curves in the road of life. I know I can't help everyone, and I don't stick my neck out often.....and anyone that knows me will know that I also don't find it difficult to walk away and shut the door permanently.
I really appreciate your friendship and support ladies. It means the world to me that I now have others in my life that understand, and are dependable.
Love ya....xxoo
~how sad that her dating dilemma was so much more important than the life of an innocent baby.
ReplyDeleteI get that not everybody knows what to say, or how to handle the situation, but it's not their life, this is not happening to them....so is it really that hard to reach out, send flowers or a card, offer to bring over dinner, watch a movie, listen while we speak out loud the words that are swirling around in our minds?
If you don't know what to say....then say just that.
"I don't know what to say, but I'm thinking about you and I'm here for you."