~The Art of Letting Go~

~If I said it was easy, I'd be lying.  There's nothing easy about leaving behind someone that you loved with everything in you;  someone that you put all of your faith and trust in, and believed that you were both equally invested in building a stable and comfortable future together.  To put it bluntly, it just stinking hurts.

I expressed my fears early on.  It's not easy for me to love and trust someone.  I've been hurt many times by the people that I was supposed to be able to rely on more than anyone else in my life.  You know what they say---"once bitten, twice shy".  It's the story of my life.

As time goes by, I am feeling less heartache---but the memories are still lurking very close to the surface and continue to swirl around inside my mind, evoking twinges of both good and bad feelings.

I committed myself to remaining true to my best friend.  I am loyal and loving and can never turn my back on someone that I love.  Wouldn't this world be an amazing place to live if we could all be this loyal? 

It's easy to love during the happy times, but it takes a lot of strength, determination, and courage to make it through the dark times.

I don't place blame, and won't claim to be innocent in how it all unfolded.  I am the kind of person that can step back and have compassion for my friends, and take into consideration what they are going through in their day-to-day lives.  I forgive and give chances for redemption.

I was sad, and grieving.  Sometimes a little lost.  Often emotional, but always loving, grateful, and kind.  I didn't ever pull away or reject my best friend.  I trusted and poured out my innermost thoughts and feelings and didn't hide my emotions.

I was also there to listen and comfort.  It was a give-and-take relationship.  Everyone has painful memories, and sharing them is a way of getting to know each other.

Long story short.......it's over.

I have regrets.  There are things that I wish I could undo.  I wish I could erase the intimacy and just remained friends. 

The saddest part of all is knowing that it can't be undone. 

I remember the laughter and sharing, before it all became complicated.  I miss the emails, chats, and phone calls.  I miss the trust.

How does love and physical comfort turn things so ugly?  I don't understand, and I'm sad about it.

All I can do is breathe, focus on the things that I can change, and let go of the rest.  I have a plan and there's no better time than the present to make it a reality.

I miss you dear friend, and wish you nothing but the best in life.  Thanks for being there when I needed you the most.  I take from this experience the valuable lessons that will get me through the rest of my life, and you'll forever hold a piece of my heart.  Be kind.  Be well.  Be the best you, that you can be.

Let me go with peace and kindness in your heart, and everything will be okay.  (((HUGS)))

~A Reason, A Season, or a Lifetime....which one are you?

My dad sent me this, and even though I've seen this before, I've decided to re-post it here as the message is worthwhile to read.  I added the photos which I thought captured the message.  Thanks to all that have contributed to my life lessons.  Love, Peace, & Freedom to all xxoo

~A Reason, A Season, or a Lifetime~

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know  which one it is, you will know what to do for that Person..

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need You have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with Guidance and support,

To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an End.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire Fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. 

 

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has Come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy..

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,

Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional Foundation..

Your job is to accept the lesson,

Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other Relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. 

Thank you for being a part of my life,

Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

   

The dreaded day of departure.........

~This was the day I feared the most of all, remembering how so many years ago I laid to rest your big brother and had to walk away forever.

During the entire pregnancy all that I could think of was how is this final moment going to feel?  How will I survive?  Will it hurt forever............how do I heal?


I remember that Good Friday, the day I held you for the very first time while you took your final breaths nestled gently in my arms.  As the doctor approached with the stethoscope I remember closing my eyes and holding my breath.......waiting........."I'm very sorry, but he's gone".

I sat and held you, surrounded by your father, brothers, grandmothers, aunties and uncle, and my very dear friends that were there to witness your departure to the Spirit World beyond.  My blood drained away, I felt chilled, and oh so numb.  

All I could think of was "this can't be happening to me......this just cannot be happening to me......not again......why?......this cannot be happening to me"..........


I somehow made it through the rest of the day on auto-pilot.  I dressed you in the clothing your father brought for you, enabling others to hold you.  I couldn't watch as they one-by-one said their goodbyes.


As everyone left I could only sit in silence in the hallway sobbing and aching for this beautiful little boy that had been growing and kicking inside of me only 8 short days ago.  

How does this happen?  Why does this happen?


I spent the remainder of the evening holding you, bathing you, saving your feet prints and locket of hair.  I rubbed you down with Nivea cream and dressed you one last time that day, in preparation for the cold storage.  

I remember placing you so gently inside the 'bag', taking care to wrap you in the hospital sheets, cover your face, and zip you up.  I wrapped you in blue ribbons and tied a bow, then held you waiting for the security guards to come and take you away.


Shortly after midnight I walked out of that place........my empty arms aching......my heart pounding......my thoughts so scattered.


What do I do now?


I returned home and somehow we got through the next few days of your wake service.  I could see you, hold you, caress you, kiss you.  I loved your beautiful new baby scent and focused on breathing you all in so that I could remember the details forever.


Then came the moment I feared most of all.  The dreaded day of departure.

~I didn't want to let go, but I had no choice.  It was time.  

I held you tight and kissed you one last time ♥ Letting go was excruciating. I laid you down, took one last glance, and prayed for strength to go on without you.

I felt all the eyes watching, bearing witness to my unbearable grief washing over me as I prepared to lay you down one last time.  I remember sobbing and clinging tightly to your lifeless body, saying "NO, not yet.  I can't let go yet."

I gathered my thoughts and hugged you with my eyes closed, not wanting to see that moment unfold before me as I laid you down for the last time.


We surrounded you with our precious keepsakes and gifts, and I swear my heart stopped beating as the lid was lowered knowing I'd never see your beautiful face again. 

I felt the scalding tears while I struggled to breathe......and knew that nothing was ever going to be the same again.  

I don't know how I got outside and barely remember the procession to the graveside.  The drive seemed to take forever, but passed too quickly.


The sun was setting......the damp, spring air was crisp.  As the casket was lowered into the ground and the daisies placed over  your tiny body all I could think is "my baby's in there.  A part of me is in that box and I will never see him or touch him ever again.  Oh God, please help me get through this.  I can't breathe, I can't do this.......oh somebody please help me.........."

How does a Mother leave her child's precious, newborn body in the dark, cold, dirt and not lose her freaking mind?  I have no answers, but in hindsight can only say that the human spirit is very resilient when it wants---or has---to be. 

I couldn't watch as everyone took a turn at tossing a handful of earth on top of him.  My legs were giving out and I felt too weak to stand any longer.  Please-----just get me out of here!  I can't watch this, I can't breathe, it hurts too much........

The panic overtook me.......

We buried him as the sun was setting.......and left him beneath the stars for all eternity............
  

♥ Gzaagin Nimkee ~ March 29-April 6, 2007 ♥