Where do I begin? I guess the best place would be to use the one word that says it best. LOVE.
Love is responsible for all of this.
I am guilty of loving too much. I have wanted too much. I have needed too much. I held on too much. I feared too much. I hurt too much.
I can't speak for someone else and this post is only about me, so I can only write about my intentions, thoughts, and deeds.
I've been through a lot in the last several years, which started with my ex-husband's brain injury, but the culmination was the loss of Bennett.
When I watched his tiny body go into that little wee casket, I swear my heart stopped for a moment. I didn't want to see the lid closing, knowing I would never see his beautiful, little face ever again......but yet I couldn't tear my eyes away. I didn't want to miss my final moments with his physical presence before me.
I held him while he passed away, and watched his siblings grieve.
I clipped some of his hair, and made gold embossed feet imprints for keepsakes.
I rubbed his delicate tissues with Nivea cream and prepared him for the cold storage in the morgue. I attached his identifying name tag, then wrapped and tied him up with a bow. I placed his 8-day old body into the body-bag myself, kissed his tiny face one more time, then zipped it shut and waited for the security guards to come and take him away.
At the funeral home I removed him from the bag and unwrapped him in preparation for his final bath and dressing. The tears flowed and it was difficult to breathe. My sister, mother, and father were in attendance.
His naming ceremony is chronicled here: http://my-baby-is-an-angel.blogspot.com/p/meaning-of-nimkee.html
I got into my father's car and held Bennett on my lap. We took a drive by my home to show him where his family lives. I took him home to my father's, which was my family homestead for generations. His body laid in wake for 3 days and we laid him to rest at sunset, on April 10th.
Kissing him and holding him one last time was excruciating. Placing him into the casket was indescribable. The closing of the lid was like a dagger in my heart. The drive to the cemetary is a blur in my mind.
Can you even imagine what it was like to watch his tiny casket being lowered into the ground and have daisies and dirt thrown on top of him? I couldn't watch. I felt rage amongst the tears.
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| ~My baby is in here. Visits to the cemetary are very difficult. |
I spent the next few months grieving alone. Each day was a struggle. Each breath forced. I had no appetite, and sleep was my only reprieve.
One day I received a notification that someone from my past had reached out to me. I graciously accepted it and from that day forward everything changed.
He made himself available to me to lean on in my grief. He made the breathing easier, and the genuine joy and smiles returned, even though I had thought it impossible.
I've made mistakes during this intense period of grieving. Not only was my heart broken beyond belief, but I was caught up in a support & custody battle for my boys, division of assets so we'd have a home to live in, and outside interference from people that don't know me.
While I thought that I was being understood and respected, I have found out how wrong I was.
There has been very little compassion and acceptance, next to no trust.......and false empathy.
If any of the love was real, then it wouldn't even be possible for this person to hurt me like this. Loving relationships and friendships don't end with anger and heated animosity because they have been loved too much.
I don't begrudge his decision to leave me. I came to terms with that years ago, the day he moved out on his own. The contact since that day has been sketchy at best, but it was enough to get me through the darkest days of sorrow.
I loved too much......trusted too much......needed and wanted too much. All in all, I have been very grateful and open about my feelings, wants, and needs. He can't reciprocate the love or understand what I need and why I am the way I am.
He has no patience left for me. No caring. No concern for my feelings. No kind words or apologies. Nothing. Just requests for the return of items, public attempts at humiliation, police threats if I try to see him face to face to talk, and nasty emails. He claims he is happy with all of this, even though his actions speak otherwise. I definitely am not one bit happy with any of this.
Why can't he understand and feel compassion? Just give me loyal friendship and trust I don't have evil or selfish motives. Why is it impossible to maintain friendship? I don't understand the hard feelings because I don't possess that within me.
If you don't want to be with someone anymore, why not just walk away peacefully and keep it all private?
The biggest question in my mind is WHY? Why is it easy to be mean to me? What did I do to deserve this?
How can anyone expect me to go through all of this and not need and want someone for comfort?
I don't deserve any of this. I did nothing wrong. I have been fair, loving, and loyal. I've been appreciative and publicly showed my devotion and gratitude in photo albums on facebook.
Now I'm on my own again.......struggling and requesting patience and understanding, compassion and peace from those around me.
My heart is battered and bruised.....mangled beyond recognition. I am hurting and feeling very alone.
Perhaps the saddest revelation of all is that I feel safest alone in my heartache. Trusting and loving people has only resulted in further losses and emotional scars. Relying on others has been impossible.
I don't know how to get through this, but I know that I will-----one day at a time.
Somebody help me.......I've got the heartbreak blues...........
