~The Road to Recovery~

~Once upon a time.................I naively thought I had found the man that I was going to spend the rest of my days with.  I was wrong.

Since I decided that 2011 was going to be MY YEAR for all POSITIVE CHANGES I figured I may as well just get painfully honest with myself and admit that I've been beating a dead horse.

I made the blunderous error of falling in love with my best male friend. 

I remember one of the very first interactions that made me think "this one's different".

He took it upon himself to scour my facebook info and found my web urls.  He stayed up one night and read my blog entries about Bennett-Chadlen and then wrote me a very poignant, heartfelt email allowing me to know how sorry he was, and how he had read it through tears.  He then shared with me intimate details of his own story of losing his mother at the tender age of 16.  My heart was touched.  His words stirred my barely beating heart.

As the days became weeks, he made it his daily goal to put a smile on my face.  He was funny, witty, and sarcastic---he always made me laugh.  He shared videos and emails throughout the night so I always had something awaiting my attentions first thing every morning.  He phoned me on his days off and we'd talk the entire day away, reminiscing about the grade school days.

I began to depend on those daily affirmations that my very battered and broken-heart was actually capable of healing.  I was able to look forward to waking up and live another day.

In time I was able to speak candidly about my loss, the details of my failed marriage, my children's health concerns, and my own fears about my future.  He listened patiently.

I expressed how my feelings were beginning to grow and change.  I was perplexed and keenly interested in getting to know him better.  I made a date to visit him in Toronto and see how it went.  It was great---rejuvenating, invigorating, and amazing.  I wasn't able to continue with a long-distance relationship so he moved back here to this little island town where we both grew up.

I knew it was wrong of me to allow this to develop but I couldn't resist.  I really 'needed' this friend in my life.  I was bruised and battered.....weak....lost......emotionally bankrupt.  For lack of a better term......I was a complete and utter mess!

I trusted he would understand and have faith in me.  I was certain my loyalty would be rewarded and returned to me.  Isn't that what friends do?  I wasn't just a greedy 'taker', I also gave everything I had the ability to share through my healing journey.  I gave my never-ending gratitude and affection.

I give up.  He doesn't have the ability to understand how difficult all of this has been for me.  I have been trying to heal from my losses, and give whatever little extra energy I had leftover to nurture this relationship.

It is not going to happen so it's time to move on to Plan B.

I am making a to-do list for this year, and the top of the list is "self-discovery".  In order to accomplish this I am making time to read a few books that I purchased 3 years ago.

Today's book of choice!

 How Not To Be Afraid Of Your Own Life.....opening your heart to Confidence, Intimacy, and Joy

I refuse to get bogged with down things that I have absolutely no control over.  I won't keep up this cycle of push, pull, love, abandon, comfort, reject.........betrayal is a bitch.

I'll keep you updated on all of the interesting and enlightening information I come across.

Now it's time to sleep.....tomorrow is another day!