~Awakening~

~There comes a point in every relationship where you have to ask yourself if it's beneficial to continue this?

Is it safe to share the "inner-workings of me" with this person?  What are the risks?  What may be the pay-offs?  What is the worst thing that could happen?

It's generally this last question that stops me dead in my tracks like the proverbial 'deer caught in the headlights'.

If we're honest with ourselves, the answer to that question is (for me personally anyway):

• He may not understand.
• He may get really uncomfortable with this much honesty.
• He may think less of me.
• He may convince himself there's something really wrong with me, too much emotional baggage and not worth the hassle or commitment to the investing of time required to work through this.
• He may be ill-equipped to deal with me, no matter how much he wishes he could.
• He may just say......screw this.  I need a beer and a cigarette and I'm staying home or going to the bar.
• He may feel ashamed to love someone that is crazy enough to write this blog and share my most intimate fears openly.
• He may worry what his friends will think of him, or me, or both.
• I may get rejected, abandoned, and just outright publicly shunned.

How humiliating.  Brutally honest----YES----but also I risk persecution, judgment, and humiliation by writing this.

What is the pay-off  for this?

• Others may identify with my fears and feel less alone if they too are currently, or have experienced something similar in the past.
• Someone that has no clue about me might just learn something about me.  "Maybe I'm not as shallow or weird as they think I may be?"
• I feel like I've put myself on "public notice", therefore it's necessary to continue on this path---much like those on the reality tv shows that want to publicly lose weight and know that having the public eye scrutinizing them is (I already established that it's more than a little humiliating), but let's face it----it's also liberating and can push you to show onlookers you have the moxy required to reach your goals.
• I have the opportunity to dispel myth and rumours, and give people something honest and poignant to gossip about for a change.  

• "You want to talk about me?  Well, here you go.  Knock yourself out.  I'm real.  I have real fears.  I have real heartache.  I have real life-altering dilemmas.  I have real financial issues.  I have real emotional issues.  I have gut-wrenching raw grief over the loss of my family, marriage, business, current relationship, and most of all over the loss of my babies Noah and Bennett-Chadlen."  How's that for honest?

   The craziest statement I can openly admit to here and now is that I am in-love with my best friend and a lot of the time it feels great, but some of the time it feels as though it is literally killing me.  I try to hide my emotions and not expose those most intimate details with others because this isn't a conventional relationship, and I don't understand it myself.  How can I explain it to anyone else?
  
  Bottom line being......it's nobody else's business.  That said, I honestly do feel the need to just put it out there and let everyone know how I really, really feel about this man.
  
  He is awesome, and amazing.  He makes me laugh.  He listens intently to the things I feel the need to express.  I know that my tears and openness can cause him discomfort at times because there is that level of caring that causes good people like him to ask themselves, "What should I do now?  How do I fix this?  What should I say?  Eeeks.....help.....I don't know what to do or say and I feel really awkward right now, so I'm going to bolt at the first chance I get and stay away for a few weeks, in silence to figure this crap out."
  
  So this brings me back to that age-old question?  What do I do now?  Should I just listen to my rational mind saying "be brave, don't run and hide as usual, and it's going to be ok."  That seems to be the smartest option at this particular moment in time.
  
  This love stuff is hard.  How much emotional baggage is too much?  I can't speak for anybody else but I can say that I know I am carting around a seemingly bottomless sack of 'emotions' that need to be dealt with before I can even feel the least bit comfortable inflicting myself on anyone else.
  
  Being in a co-dependent cycle is not my thing.  It's not healthy, or fun, and it very seldom evolves to anything good in the long run.  I don't want to be someone's emotional or financial burden.  Unless you've signed a contract or have court documents stating that you have to take full responsibility for me, then no worries.  You don't owe me a damn thing.
  
  No matter what happens next, I do have the complete satisfaction in knowing that I am now being true to myself and not allowing anyone to sway my judgment, or manipulate my feelings and thought processes.  This is the only life I have, and today is the only day that matters in the grand scheme of things.
  
  Thank you to my awesome and amazing friend for all that you have helped me through thus far.  You have touched my heart deeply through your willingness to assist me through the worst of my grief, when I was the lowest of the low.  You have literally seen me at my worst and nothing will ever take me back to that place again.  I appreciate your thoughtfulness, your ability to forgive, and your generosity.  Loving you is the most amazing feeling, one I thought I'd never experience like this.  It is my wish to become an even stronger woman through this journey I call my life, and I feel so blessed to have the honour to say I've shared a significant amount of it with you.
  
   I admire your loyalty, and respect your need to sometimes pull back and re-group.  I may not always like it, but I accept it as necessary for your own healing journey of complete self-discovery.
  
  I will love you always..........and treasure you forever.
  

  

  Thank you for lifting me up when I was too afraid and too weak to stand on my own.

  
  
  
  

~BREAKING THE BARRIERS~

~Infant Loss----just another 'catch phrase' perhaps?  It's easy to allow our eyes to quickly flit over the words and try not to give it another thought, for to acknowledge such a thing often conjures up images, thoughts, and feelings we'd rather not consider.

Inevitably upon meeting and getting to know others, the question of 'children' comes up?

"Do you have any children?  How many?"

{Hmm......how do I answer this one?  What do I say?  How honest should I be?  Will this person be able to handle the truth?  What might they say when I utter the words}:

"I am the proud Mother of 6 boys.  4 are still living, BUT sadly---2 of them died."

What happens next is interesting.  Quite often the response goes something like this:

.......'wow, 6 boys.  You must be a very busy Mama'.

{Uhm, excuse me......did you not hear me say "2 of them died"?  or are we going to pretend I didn't just say that?}

It's moments like this that often strikes a chord with us 'Angel Mommies' and causes many us to feel some guilt over having uttered those dreadful words that may make you squirm in discomfort.  It can often lead to this internal dialogue that skips  through our minds as we make a mental note not to mention it again in case I once again face someone that can't handle the truth, or ask themselves: 

"why would she tell me that?  Doesn't she know we don't talk about stuff like this?"

I have created a charity inspired by the Loving Memory of my own 'Angel Babies'.  I named my project after Bennett-Chadlen because he spent time in the NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit) following his birth, where he spent 8 days before he passed away in my arms.  This charity specifically deals with providing comfort and support items to other families with babies in the NICU at Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto, Ontario, Canada where he spent his entire 8 day life.

I am currently in the process of coming up with some creative ideas to spread Infant Loss Awareness, as well as hoping to inspire others to think about families like mine that have newborns fighting for their lives in NICU's around the world.  

It's not easy to put myself  'out there' and trust that others will take notice, or even care enough to donate or help out.  

I've read stories of others like myself that want to make a difference and quite often we have similar stories of experience.  Sometimes people just don't show any interest.  

It can be debilitating, and certainly soul-crushing when you share such intimate details of your life with the general public and receive very little feedback or offers of kind words, donations, or even enquire what we're up to and why?  It certainly isn't encouraging!

Why do we do this?  Why do we share our experiences, and reach out to help others??

I can certainly say without a shadow of a doubt that most of us just have this insatiable desire to help others like ourselves feel less alone in their trials and healing journeys.  We share a common-bond with these families and we wear the internal, emotional scars which we often hide so effectively so as not to discomfort others around us.  

If I can reach out and touch the lives of just one family out there, and help ease their burdens and let them know they're not alone.....then it eases my own heartache.

I know how difficult it is to share our babies with a society that isn't quite ready to "know" about Infant Loss yet.  

It is difficult to be courageous and brave, or worse yet---show vulnerability.

There is something  about birth defects and fetal anomolies that send some people into denial mode, and/or question our sanity for even giving birth to these babies at all since some of us knew prenatally what their plight in life might be.  

We just need you all to understand and respect that we love and want our babies with every fibre of our being.

With the assistance and generous donation of items, time and talent from my eldest son, his musically talented  comrades, local businesses, a local park, food vendor, volunteer bakers, a magician, the local newspaper and their writers/photographers, my friends and a handful of family members, I was able to make my 'dream' a reality!  We can't forget those of you that came out to be entertained, and so graciously donated your $ to such a worthy cause.

~Introducing Bennett opened our Benefit Concert~

So---as I sit here tonight with thoughts of WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, & HOW swirling around in this vast chamber I call my imagination---I can't help but wonder how to promote my fund-raising agenda yet once again.

While I meditate on this, images of Nimkee pop up into my head.  I can see his sweet little face, fingers and toes.  I can remember his fresh newborn baby fragrance.  I remember how good it felt to meet him and gaze into his eyes that very first time.....and how it felt to finally hold him in my arms.

While some may call me crazy for even continuing my pregnancy after his prenatal diagnosis, I have to just put those thoughts out of my mind and move forward with my goal.........

~ I hope that one day the world will be ready for us ~

~SLOW & STEADY WINS THE RACE~

I'm happy today, very content with how things are slowly unfolding in my life.  I am learning that when you see something you really, really want in life---running out and grabbing it isn't necessarily the best way to go about it.

Take credit cards for example:  Sometimes we really NEED to use them, most often we  just 'charge' it because it's a quick and simple way to acquire what we feel we need, when  we need it!  

But seriously?  Do we really NEED all the stuff we have??

Saving your pennies for a rainy day may take so much longer.....but when the day comes to purchase what our heart desires just think of how much better it feels to be able to get out the savings you've patiently acquired.......and voila!  

We can cherish it so much more when we've had to work harder to get it!

Love lessons in life are like this.

We all wish life could be easier......but what have we learned from life when everything came easily??  

Quite often those things which we have in abundance, a never-ending supply of 'something'.......do we really cherish it the way we should??  Or do we tend to take it for granted??  

Generally it's the latter.

I am currently in a place where I can look back over the last year and see all of the mistakes I have made, by rushing.......and pursuing.....

I can honestly say that it's been driven by pure fear.  Fear of being alone during the dark and sad times.  

Fear of accidentally falling off the edge of the cliff that I was so precariously hanging off of.  

"Please, please, please........don't let me fall!"

And he didn't.  When I needed to be saved......I was.

I'm learning to trust that I haven't been thrown a rotten rope that will break at any given moment in time.

I bought a tiny statue this summer, to place in the Memory Garden of Love that I have created in my backyard in honour of those loved ones we lost.  I named my first little angel, Noah-Alexander, and wanted something special just for him.  The statue is of the 'tortoise and the hare'......complete with racing lights-----Ready----Set----Go!

The sun charges up the battery during the day, when the sun goes down........the race begins!  Those little lights begin to count down to the start.........

We all know the moral of that story:

'Slow and Steady wins the Race!'

~The Last Battle~

~Last week our family bid adieu to a beloved, four-footed friend.  I affectionately referred to him as my "brother", Monjiidek.

Monjiidek came into our family in the spring of 2001 following my father's heart surgery.  I give him full credit for assisting my father in his recovery, pushing him to keep going even on those darkest days when he would rather just relax.  Monjiidek loved to play catch with a frisbee, and could play fetch for hours and hours if he found a willing participant to throw for him.  He loved children for they were the most likely to be able to keep up with him and not tire or get bored after a few rounds of throwing.

I can't begin to imagine how lost my father is without his most loyal companion by his side, but I know he's not alone in remembering our furry friend as Monjiidek never failed to capture the hearts of all that knew him.

Dad brought him home last Thursday, and we gathered together to lay Monjiidek to rest in his favourite place, in the woods by the water at our camp.  I can imagine him running free, healthy and healed......frolicking about chasing rabbits and squirrels til his heart's content until the day he meets with our father once again.

I made a tribute page for Monjiidek at this link:  http://pet-lovers-paradise.blogspot.com/

Feel free to leave a few words if you like.  I will be sure and share your sentiments with my Dad.

I know that many of you are also pet lovers, and can certainly understand and sympathize with the heartache that is often left behind when our trusted friends depart for the Spirit World.

Monjiidek~April 6th, 2001 to  October 27th, 2010

  The Last Battle

If it should be that I grow frail and weak,

And pain should keep me from my sleep,

Then will you do what must be done

For this ~ the last battle ~ can't be won.

You will be sad, I understand,

But don't let grief but stay your hand,

For on this day, more than the rest,

Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,

You wouldn't want me to suffer so,

When the time comes

Please let me go.

Take me to where my needs they'll tend,

Only stay with me til the end,

And hold me firm and speak to me,

Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree,

It is a kindness you do to me,

Although my tail its last has waved,

From pain and suffering I have been saved.

Don't grieve that it must be you,

Who has to decide this thing to do,

We've been so close ~ we two ~ these  years,

Don't let your heart hold any tears.

~Author unknown

~Monjiidek, you were a true gift from our Creator, sent down to assist in our Father's recovery.  You will always be remembered for your loyal service, and unconditional love.  Our hearts feel comfort knowing that you are resting in the place that you enjoyed the most while on this Earth, and we know that you are happy and healed, and waiting patiently---filling your time with endless rounds of catching frisbees and games of fetch---until we meet again.  Baamaapii Gawaabmin, Gzaagin Bazgim xxoo

~CELEBRATING THE DAYS OF THE DEAD~

http://wholelivingdaily.wholeliving.com/2010/10/celebrating-the-days-of-the-dead.html

 Think about this:  “Those who we love and lose are not where they were before.  They are now wherever we are.” Saint John Chrysostom

 "The Days of the Dead are October 31^st, November 1^st, and November 2^nd; Halloween (All Hallows Eve and Wiccan New Year), All Saint’s Day, and All Soul’s Day.  These are days when the veil between the seen and the unseen, the living and the dead, is exceptionally thin.  Hardly there at all.  We are surrounded by spirits."

"For those who believe in life after death, these are the days where deceased friends and relatives come back for a visit.  They wander around, visiting and partying under the full Harvest Moon.  This is also the time when we’re called to acknowledge their presence, celebrate their life, and pray for their blessing."

For the last 2 years my family and I have been invited to participate in a 'traditional feast' in memory of our deceased loved ones.  On November 1st many families in the native community that I visited on the north-shore gathered together to visit the graves.

We attended each grave of their relatives, said a few words, and left them some 'treats' which they enjoyed in their previous life here on Earth.  I found it so peaceful and comforting to watch as the family members attended each grave, leaving flowers, gifts of food and drink, tobacco, etc....and reminisced about 'days of yore'.

Last year my youngest living son Tanner (6 at the time) attended with me.  There were many families leaving edible treats on the grave-sites, and we watched and giggled with delight as a tiny squirrel made his rounds snatching up these treats and hiding them in various places about the ground, and in the branches of the evergreens which grew nearby.  Boy, he sure did have a sweet tooth!!  It was very entertaining to listen to him nattering away as he tried his best to nibble his way into some of the packages which were wrapped up too tight for his liking.

As the sun went down, we bid adieu and returned to my friend's home for our feast.  Many people gathered and brought home-made dishes of various types of meat----including some moose roasts and sausages, pork, beef with gravy, glazed ham, fish pie, fried fish, squash, turnip, carrots, potatoes, tossed salads, veggie tray w dip----fruit trays, homemade lemon meringue pie, homemade pumpkin pies, homemade wild-blueberry pie with whipped cream----it was all so tantalizing and tasted amazing!!  It was as much a feast for the eyes as it was for our grateful tummies!

The most interesting part of all was the creation and offering of a plate for the spirits of our loved ones.  A piece of every single food and drink available was piled onto a plate and shared in a sacred fire out back.  We gathered together and words were shared in both English and our traditional Ojibwa language.  We toasted and shared the fruits of our labours and returned indoors to enjoy our own Harvest Feast.

I returned home later that night with sore cheeks from smiling so much.  The camaraderie in that single room was unlike any other I've experienced anywhere.

It truly was a feast for the soul for all of us.

Gchi-miigwech to our Creator for giving us the gift of life and love.  Gzaagin xxoo

Mean People Suck

~Mean people are everywhere.  We all know people that for some unknown reason will gratify themselves by lashing out at others, and find great satisfaction in being as vile as they possibly can----most likely for shock value and attention.

A few days ago I wrote a post about each person's ~INHERIT RIGHT TO LIFE~, and made reference to my own experience with my deceased 8 day old newborn son.  Imagine my surprise to log into my email the following day to find some comments written that clearly were meant for me, as a personal attack---but what this person probably didn't consider is that there are other grieving mothers, fathers, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, family friends----that all have their own form of grief over the loss of their own loved ones. It is very harsh and cruel to so bluntly just come right out and say to someone:  "get over it".

I mean really......would you stand in the centre of a bereavment group meeting and tell everyone that "there are more important things to worry about on this planet" than dead babies??

These words did not harm me in any way whatsoever, because I fully expect that there will be some heartless prick somewhere in the world that gets their cheap jollies by being judgmental and spiteful for whatever reason.  I know that by writing publicly I am possibly inducing discomfort in an individual's life, triggering their desire to lash out and be nasty.

You personally may not care about my life, and you may laugh at me and think that I'm a joke, but at the start and end of each day it's your own face that you have to look at and I'm guessing that brings you more discomfort than anything I could ever write here.  I will assume that it's safe to say that you have very little joy in your life, for if you did, you wouldn't bother spending a moment of your life reading what I write, and feel compelled to anonymously leave your snide comments.

We all have a public persona that exudes from us whenever we choose to walk out of our homes and enter into society.  The internet is just another platform for freedom of expression, and while I could have chosen to write anonymously, I have the courage and the strength to use my real identity, and I possess the ability to persevere despite how you, or others, may perceive me.

I stand behind my words, and I don't care what anyone says to me, or about me.  We are all entitled to our opinions, and I fully respect each individual's right to express what they think, feel, or believe---even if I don't agree with their viewpoint.

We were born with the gift of free-will.  I suggest that you use yours wisely.

I don't feel the need to anonymously attack someone for choosing to express their point of view in whichever format they choose, especially if it concerns something as sacred as death of a much loved and wanted newborn, or child.

I choose not to hate the hater.  Rather, I feel pity for someone that has such a shallow take on life, and doesn't possess the ability to feel empathy or compassion for another person's pain.

It's easy to kick someone when they strike a nerve----but it takes great strength of character to turn and walk away with grace and dignity. 

What must it feel like to live in this person's skin??  What makes a person that bitter?

I will never understand, and I accept that no matter where we go, there will always be internally ugly people in our midst.

The next time you feel the need to be hateful and mean, consider that I'm not the only person that will read it.  You just may harm some innocent person that will take personal offense to your statements.  Attack me if you will, but leave others out of it.  Grief is a difficult thing to overcome, and your words can truly hurt those that I assume you do not have a personal vendetta against.

Please, show some respect.  One day someone you love will die, and you won't want someone to be so heartless to you.  What goes around, comes around.

It's easy to hide behind a curtain and spew your hatred, like a coward.  You can insinuate that I'm a fraud all you want.  You can slander me if you wish----it's your right----your freedom of speech.  Go to it.

Consider this your 5 minutes of fame.


"I've learned to love my haters.  You need it more than I do."