~ATTACHMENT vs APPRECIATION & GRATITUDE~

There is a difference between feeling gratitude and appreciation for something, and feeling attachment to something.  Appreciation and gratitude are states of pure love, while attachment contains fear – fear of losing or not having what you are attached to.  When it comes to something you want in your life, appreciation and gratitude attract, and attachment pushes away.  If you are feeling afraid that you will not get what you want, or losing what you have, then you have attachment.  To remove the attachment, keep shifting yourself into a state of appreciation and gratitude, until you can feel that the fear is gone. ~ The Secret

If I'm completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I have always struggled with this issue.  I have zero doubt that I suffer from Attachment & Fear.  I am always afraid of losing the people that I love, or not being loved in return.  It has been stifling and paralyzing to live this way.

I find myself 'stuck' within the guarded walls that I have built up around my fragile and delicate heart.

I am a person of great passion and feel emotions intensely.

While this is great when I'm happy and feeling 'in love'---on those rare occasions when someone has managed to get me to let down my guard and allow them inside my soul's fortress---it is completely devastating and crippling when the seemingly inevitable occurs, and I find myself alone once again.

I can't help but ask myself 'why' does this happen?  Because it is a recurring theme, I must take responsibility for my participation in this outcome.  It always leads me back to one thing.  Fear.

Fear can drive me to do one of two things.  Fight or Flight.

Let's face it.  Anyone that knows me well, knows that I'm a fighter.  I don't back down easily, especially if it's something that I truly believe in.  I don't do things halfway.  It's all or nothing.

I am not afraid of taking certain risks, as long as my own heart isn't involved.

Oh, I can be stubborn and hold back as long as possible.  I hesitate, and examine my surroundings before partaking of the path ahead.  Once I decide to take a step in that direction, nothing can stop me from pursuing my heart's desire.

Admittedly, my choices are often poor, impulsive at times, but always enjoyable in the beginning.  But hey--how do we do know how something may turn out, unless we try it???  I push myself outside my boundaries and comfort levels, always hoping for the best.  I will always make this choice in the end.

What if this could be the best thing to ever happen to me?  What if this is IT?

Then I gather my courage.....and set off on a journey, full of excitement and wonder.  It's a beautiful thing....until the fear and attachment anxiety sets in....which always happens, and sometimes without a good reason.  It's irrational fear which destroys me.

Faced with adversity, I will always stand up for myself, much to the chagrin of whoever dares to defy me.  I will show no mercy.  I will always be honest when voicing my concerns, which to many comes across as rude---but why sugarcoat things, or beat around the bush?  I don't have time for mind-games, nor do I enjoy having them played against me.

I believe in fighting fair.  Speak your truth, don't be insulting or say things that you truly don't mean, and be prepared for the consequences of your decisions.

I do however, have periods of self-doubt---usually when considering the consequences or possible outcomes of the decisions which I am about to make, or the words which I am about to speak---and it's during those times that I waver and the fear overcomes me.

I rapidly process the thoughts in my mind, briefly considering the implications, then push forth----and say what I am feeling.

The biggest problem being, that quite often the recipient of my sentiments, takes great offence without actually hearing that which I am trying desperately to convey.

I see the anger and hear the defensive backlash, and I cringe inside.  The words penetrate me like a dagger in the gut.  I realize that I have been misunderstood, and realize that I must try to redeem myself.  It's too late.  The angry ears aren't listening.  The walls go up, and the Flight response kicks in.

Yes, this is often a 2-way street, and I recognize and admit that I too have been guilty of becoming defensive and/or shutdown before a compromise or solution can be reached.

So now what?  I've made it through the worst of this and am on the other side of the devastation.  I respect the decisions which have been made, and I am ready to accept the consequences.  I did not get to this place alone.

I have analyzed every angle, and in hindsight can see how I was equally as offensive, but I meant every word that I uttered.  I felt disrespected and disgusted, hurt, and scared.  Those are real feelings and I cannot deny myself that honesty.  I need to be true to myself and not settle for less than what I really want or feel that I deserve in this life.

Today is a new day.  

I am ready to move forward and heal.  

I am ready to lay fear aside, and capture and hold onto the essence of Appreciation & Gratitude towards those that own a piece of my heart.

I can't hold onto what I desire, based upon a Fear to let go.  

I need to break free from the anxiety of this Attachment disorder which binds me to this place of loneliness and despair.

Thank-you for loving me, believing in me, and for sharing this time with me.  

I Appreciate all that you have done for my children and I.  

I feel much Gratitude towards you for everything. 

I love you.  Unconditionally.

~2nd Annual Nimkee-Blessings Benefit Concert~

~my son Brendan, aka "Introducing Bennett"

~Well, it's that time again.  That time of year to put this plan into action and make this another successful event to help out the families with babies in the NICU at Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

Here's a link to the details of last year's event:  Annual Nimkee-Blessings Benefit Concert .

We have found a venue location and are very grateful to the Chief and Council of Sheguiandah for allowing us to host our event on Saturday, August 20th, at the Ball Field/Pow Wow Grounds on Hwy 6. on Manitoulin Island .  This location will provide ample space with parking, washroom facilities, and a children's play area as this will be a family event.  The water is nearby, but I ask that all children be supervised while near the beach area especially!

If you know anyone that may be able to assist in the planning, or have any advice, please let us know by leaving a comment with your suggestions here on this post, or email Melissa at nimkee.blessings@gmail.com.


We will also require a confirmation of musicians that are interested in donating their time to this very worthy cause.  I've had a friend do most of the legwork here---Dave Southwood---(thanks Dave!)---and he's worked very hard to secure the venue location, find bands, and many other details in between!  I couldn't have done this without his gracious assistance.  Dave has informed me that we've had 3 bands cancel so we're scouting bands to provide some entertainment for this very worthy cause.  This year I am hoping to be able to make enough money to help cover some travel expenses to the bands that are able to attend.  Last year's bands were amazing and generous, and their support will be eternally cherished and appreciated.

We are very grateful for all of the volunteers that helped to make last year's first concert a success.  It was a real learning experience and we hope to become bigger and better in years to come.  If you'd like to donate your time or have some fund-raising ideas to offer please don't hesitate to contact us.  All suggestions or offers of assistance will be graciously considered.

I have set up a group specifically for volunteers, so feel free to join is here if you are on facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/nimkeeblessings/   

More information and the story behind the creation of Nimkee-Blessings can be found at this link: 
http://projectsweetpeas.com/

*Nimkee-Blessings is an International Affiliate of Project Sweet Peas, a registered charity based out of the United States of America.

~LOVE vs HATE~

I've been plagued with a problem for quite some time now, and haven't known how to view it, or how to respond. I've tried various tactics and none of them have worked towards bringing me any sort of inner-peace until last night. Now that the initial sting and anger has passed, I've made a decision to just keep on loving, as that is what my heart is feeling.

The hurt is still there, consuming me night and day---caused by the depth of this emotion called 'caring', 'compassion', & 'empathy'.

{To be compassionate means to be aware of and sympathetic to the suffering of others. To be empathetic means to be able to notice the subtle verbal and non-verbal signals people give off that let you know what they need or want.

Compassionate, empathetic people are able to really listen to and understand the experiences that other people describe.

Their willingness to put their own concerns away for a while and to really witness and experience others' experiences is universally appreciated as a genuine and precious gift which decreases loneliness, bonds people together (creating stronger, deeper relationships), and enhances self-esteem and self-worth for both relationship partners.}

In my current situation, I can truly understand what is occurring, even though I may not understand why.

I decided to do a little digging on the internet to see what I'd find about such a phenomenon as LOVE vs HATE---and how there's a fine line between the two.

Living LOVE in the NOW, allows us to experience Joy now and continue to produce it until we have so much that we simply want to share it. By sharing it, we encourage others to feel Joy and for them to leave behind their negative emotions and glide forward into a self-empowering future. Living love now means being optimistic in that reality is faced, problems are acknowledged, solutions are sought and found, and harmony is maintained or extended to bring Joy. Living love means being humble and self-aware enough to acknowledge one's life as a miracle, one's place in the universe as miniscule, one's influence on others as great as their's can be on us. Truth becomes understanding that is relevant. Love is its own JUSTICE.

Living HATE in the NOW, prevents us from experiencing Joy and concentrates our energy on being distant, apart, rejected, needy, insufficient, anxious, fearful, and aggressive. We have nothing to share with others, only something to take. We want to take their time with our self-obsessed talk. We want to take their energy with their attempts to rescue us. We want to take their sympathy to make us feel important. We want to take their involvement, to make them equal in guilt and shame. We want to take their hopefulness and reverence and project our anger and pain into them. We threaten them with inflamed words and blame their fear filled reaction on the enemy we have identified as our excuse for self-righteousness. We will make our target "pay" for making us feel less than we would like to be.

Those who choose to Hate live in a fantasy that reality should give them what they want and that others should ignore their disrespect, their inconsistencies, their irresponsibility, their stubbornness to repeat errors, their willingness to victimize and become victims of their own actions. Hate means being proud enough to play god with the meaning of the actions of others, and, deceive and manipulate others to do what we want done. We seek to dominate one or more others by depriving them of their Rights. Truth becomes the rationalizations and fantasies that we use to deny reality. Hate is born in real and imagined injustice and feeds upon unresolved justice to construct greater injustices against others.

There is nothing to be won by being vindictive or venomous, due to built up resentment, and lack of joy or inner-peace. I understand the fears, confusion, and interference that often affect a person's mindset or belief system when one allows outside influences to overtake the heart. Gossip breeds doubt, insecurities, and can lead to hate.

I know where my heart is, and what it feels. No matter what happens next, or where life is leading me, I choose to be the Lover in the equation. I will not deny thyself of this healing and comforting pleasure. 

May you all receive the ability to love, with compassion and limitless empathy; create healing and comforting relationships in your lives; and be brave enough to choose the path of forgiveness and acceptance.

~May is Arthritis Awareness Month~

http://www.arthritis.org/

ARTHRITIS AWARENESS MONTH

10 Little Known Facts About Arthritis 
(from website)

While arthritis has been plaguing man since the dawn of time, there are many things about the disease of which most people are unaware.  From how it got its name to the economic toll it takes on our country, here’s a look at the top ten most interesting, little known facts about arthritis.

1. Arthritis is far from a new disease.  In fact, many researchers believe it has been a part of civilization since the beginning of time, even affecting dinosaurs millions of years ago.  Researchers also believe that skeletal remains from humans living around 4500 B.C. show signs of the disease.
2. Did you know that the word arthritis literally means joint inflammation?  That’s right, the word arthritis comes from the Greek words for joint (arthro) and inflammation (-itis).
3. There are over 100 forms of arthritis, including little talked about diseases like Kawasaki disease, which involves inflammation of the blood vessels, and Sweet's syndrome, which is a skin condition marked by fever and painful skin lesions. 
4. Were you aware that arthritis is the most common cause of disability in the United States?  According to the CDC, arthritis and rheumatic conditions cost the U.S. economy $128 billion annually and result in 44 million outpatient visits and 9,367 deaths each year.
5. Movement is one of the best treatment options for arthritis and can help most people prevent the onset of the disease in the first place. The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services (HHS) reports that strong evidence indicates both endurance and resistance types of exercise provide considerable disease-specific benefits for persons with osteoarthritis (OA) and other rheumatic conditions.
6. Osteoarthritis is the most common form of arthritis and is a chronic disease that affects some 27 million Americans. OA is characterized by the breakdown of cartilage, which can cause stiffness and pain.
7. There are two types of OA – primary and secondary. Primary osteoarthritis is generally associated with aging and the "wear and tear" of life. The older you are, the more likely you are to have some degree of primary osteoarthritis. Secondary osteoarthritis, in contrast, tends to develop relatively early in life, typically 10 or more years after a specific cause, such as an injury or obesity.
8. Did you know that children get arthritis too?  Nearly 300,000 children in the United States are living with juvenile arthritis.  Juvenile arthritis (JA) refers to any form of arthritis or an arthritis-related condition that develops in children or teenagers who are less than 18 years of age.
9. Juvenile arthritis is one of the most common chronic childhood conditions, occurring nearly as often as insulin-dependent juvenile diabetes.  The most common form of arthritis in children is juvenile rheumatoid arthritis (JRA), which has two peaks of onset: between 1 and 3 years of age and between 8 and 12 years of age.
10. Arthritis is more common among women (24.9%) than men (18.1%), and girls are twice as likely to develop juvenile rheumatoid arthritis as boys.

Arthritis Conditions and Treatments information available at this link (click here)

Arthritis in Women

The term "arthritis" encompasses more than 100 diseases and conditions that affect joints, the surrounding tissues and other connective tissues. Arthritis can cause mild to severe pain in the joints, as well as joint tenderness and swelling. Approximately 46 million Americans have some type of arthritis or related condition.

The various forms of arthritis and related conditions can affect anyone, no matter what your race, gender or age. However, it is especially important for women to be educated about these diseases since they affect women at a much higher rate than men. Sixty percent of all people who have arthritis are female, and several of the more common forms are more prevalent in women.

Osteoarthritis, also known as degenerative joint disease or OA, is the most common form of arthritis. Of the nearly 27 million Americans who have osteoarthritis  approximately 16 million are women. Women usually develop OA after age 40. It causes damage to cartilage and bones, causing joint pain, swelling, stiffness and loss of function. Learn more about OA.

Fibromyalgia is a syndrome characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain. It is associated with generalized muscular pain and fatigue, loss of sleep, stiffness and sometimes depression and/or anxiety. Fibromyalgia is a form of soft tissue or muscular rheumatism, which means no joint deformity occurs. An estimated 3.7 million Americans have fibromyalgia; the figure may actually be higher since some of its symptoms may be found in other conditions such as chronic fatigue syndrome (which is also more common in women). Learn more about fibromyalgia.

Rheumatoid arthritis (RA) usually strikes women between the ages of 25 to 50, but can occur in children. RA is a systemic disease that can affect the entire body. An abnormality in the body's immune system causes it to work improperly, leading to inflammation in the lining of the joints and other internal organs. Chronic inflammation can lead to deterioration, pain and limited movement. Approximately 1.3 million American adults have RA, with women outnumbering men 2.5-to-1. Learn more about RA. Learn about how to live with RA from the editors of Arthritis Today.

Lupus (systemic lupus erythematosus) is an inflammatory disease that may affect the joints, skin, kidneys and other parts of the body. Almost 240,000 Americans -- 90 percent of whom are women -- have this arthritis-related condition. It usually affects women of childbearing age and is more common among African American women than Caucasian women. Some studies indicate that it may also be more common among Asian and Latino populations. Learn more about lupus.

Osteoporosis is a disease whose name literally means "bone that is porous." It causes bones to lose mass and become brittle, which can lead to rounded shoulders, loss of height and painful fractures. It affects approximately 28 million Americans; four of every five people affected are women. Postmenopausal women and those with small or then frame, a family history of osteoporosis and habits such as smoking and drinking are at higher risk for osteoporosis. People who have inflammatory arthritis (such as RA) and who take glucocorticoid medications also have an increased risk of developing the disease. Learn more about osteoporosis.

Many other arthritis-related conditions and connective tissue disorders also affect more women than men. Raynaud's phenomenon, scleroderma, Sjögren's syndrome and polymyalgia rheumatica are just a few conditions that may not be as prevalent as others described in this section, but are still health problems that should be treated in conjunction with an experienced health-care team. 

For more information about Arthritis Awareness Month, please visit this link:  
http://www.arthritis.org/arthritis-awareness-month.php 

~MAY Awareness~

~Each month various organizations and foundations join together to campaign for a variety of AWARENESS Projects.  The month of May has begun, and here is a list of campaigns which are currently under way:

May is National Skin Cancer Awareness Month
(taken from the blog)

May starts National Skin Cancer/Melanoma Awareness Month campaign. Skin cancer is one of the most common types of cancer, with over one million people diagnosed each year!

Fast Facts About Skin Cancer

• Skin cancer and melanoma account for about 50% of all types of cancers diagnosed combined.
• Skin cancer is one of the more preventable types of cancer.
• More than 90% of skin cancer is causes by excessive exposure to the sun.
• Each hour, 1 person dies from skin cancer.

For more information about Skin Cancer, please visit this link:   
http://cancer.about.com/od/skincancermelanoma/a/skincanceraware.htm 

May is ASTHMA AWARENESS MONTH
(taken from the site)

Asthma is a serious, life-threatening respiratory disease that affects over 20 million Americans. Rates of asthma have risen sharply over the past thirty years, particularly among children ages 5 to 14 (read more Facts about Asthma)

In response to the growing asthma problem, EPA created a national, multifaceted asthma education and outreach program to share information about environmental factors — found indoors and outdoors — that trigger asthma. Although there is no cure, asthma can be controlled through medical treatment and management of environmental asthma triggers.

EPA's goal is to reduce exposure to indoor asthma triggers and improve the quality of life for 6.5 million people by 2012. 

For more information about asthma, please visit this link:   http://www.ginasthma.com/

May is MS AWARENESS MONTH 
(from the site)

The MS Society of Canada marks the month of May as MS Awareness Month. Across the country, our collective aim is to increase awareness about multiple sclerosis; inform the public about the MS Society’s services and mission; and to engage new and existing supporters in our efforts to end MS.

Read all 31 facts about multiple sclerosis and the MS Society for MS Awareness Month.

May is SPEECH & HEARING AWARENESS MONTH
(from the site)

May is Speech and Hearing Awareness Month, the one month in the year when thousands of professionals involved with the treatment of speech, language and hearing disorders come together to participate in a public awareness campaign that encourages early detection and prevention of communication disorders, and seeks to increase the public's sensitivity to the challenges faced by individuals experiencing them.

CASLPA Swallowing Awareness Day ~ May 9, 2011

Untreated feeding and swallowing disorders, also known as dysphagia, can cause serious health issues, child and family stress, social difficulties, and even life-threatening situations.
As part of a Swallowing Awareness Day initiative, CASLPA has developed a series of resources, available in both official languages, on youth/adult
and infant/child swallowing. Each package of materials includes a swallowing fact sheet, a swallowing issue checklist and an informational article.

As the days progress, I will come back and share more of May's AWARENESS CAMPAIGNS.  I'll be keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers, and send out strength & comfort to all xxoo

~Carpe Diem ~ Seize the Day~

~ Day 3 of NaBloPoMo

Today is a grey day.  The skies are grey.....my mood is grey.....my thoughts and feelings are various shades of grey.

The snow is finally all gone and the grass is finally turning a bright hue of green.  The daffodils and hyacinth are popping up and there are robins hopping around looking for worms and bits of twigs and straw to make their nests.  Signs of new life are everywhere.

I feel like I have too many pokers in the fire right now.  So much to do, so little motivation to get started.  This dreary weather and rainy days don't help much.  Where are the warm temps of spring?  Please Mr. Sunshine----shine down on me!

The list of tasks seems endless.

• First and foremost----DUMP RUNS!  My yard looks like a bad episode of Sanford & Son.  Seriously, it's nuts! 
• I want to organize my home and finish some demolition jobs to open everything up and let the light and heat circulate.  
• I'm in the process of setting up my (almost) 13-yr old with his own room and giving him some independence and privacy that all new teens crave so much.  
• I need to repair my 'less-than-a-yr-old' fence that my neighbours kids took so much pleasure in destroying by any means necessary.
• I really want to focus on getting my gardens back into tip-top shape, and I want to plant vegetables again.  I love being able to watch it all grow, then go out and pick the fresh veggies for dinner.  There's really nothing like it.
• I want to fill my rooms with vases of fresh-cut flowers from my yard.  This is something I haven't done in years.

What has stopped me?

I've felt so emotionally overwhelmed by everything.  The thoughts and feelings became burdensome and difficult to lay aside and carry on with 'business as usual'.  I lost my focus and my drive.  I needed to take a 'timeout' and catch my breath.  Existence was my only goal.

I spent the last year working very hard at finding myself again.  I've struggled with identity loss for what seems like forever, and I did it alone.  I had to lay aside some relationships and just do this for ME.  I knew that I was risking losing those people that I valued, but it was necessary and I don't regret a moment of it.  The way I see it, if I'm worth anything to anyone, then those people will stand behind me and encourage my goals and accept my faults patiently.

I've had this idea in my mind of who and what I am, but placing it all strategically and making full use of these notions to the best of my ability has evaded me.  It isn't easy, and no one has the right to judge until they've spent a day in my life.  The heartache seemed endless......I'd lost so much in such a brief period of time.

Today, I stand proud, with my head held high.  I am a survivor.  I am a mother.  I am an independent woman that leans on no one financially to help me get ahead.  Needing to talk to someone isn't a weakness.  We all need to reach out and verbalize our 'stuff'.  It's healthy and necessary for successful healing.  I find no shame in doing so.

Did I make mistakes during a vulnerable time in my life?  Maybe........

Will I do it again..........Maybe.......

Will I get through it all successfully with grace and dignity intact?...........

ABSOLUTELY!  That's a promise.  I am focused and ready for anything and everything.

Tomorrow is another day, and I look forward to it, each and every single day.  There's a world of endless possibilities in every sunset and sunrise......Carpe Diem.  Seize the Day.

~Today is International Babylost Mother's Day~

http://internationalbabylostmothersday.blogspot.com/

Today is International Babylost Mother's Day.  The following exert is from the blog: 

"United in grief, we find love and strength.

IBMD recognizes babylost women all over the world as mothers. Just because a woman loses her baby does not mean that she is not a mother anymore. She will be a mother for the rest of her life.

On the first Sunday in May we come together to celebrate our connection, our children and our hope for the future. IBMD is a day for love, peace, remembrance and recognition.

If you know a babylost woman why not tell her today that she is a beautiful mother by sending here one of our flowers from The Rainbow Flower Gallery."~International Babylost Mother's Day

~sampling of flowers from The Rainbow Flower Gallery~

 Today I send out comforting hugs, and prayers of peace, to all grieving Mother's around the world xxoo

~The Art of Letting Go~

~If I said it was easy, I'd be lying.  There's nothing easy about leaving behind someone that you loved with everything in you;  someone that you put all of your faith and trust in, and believed that you were both equally invested in building a stable and comfortable future together.  To put it bluntly, it just stinking hurts.

I expressed my fears early on.  It's not easy for me to love and trust someone.  I've been hurt many times by the people that I was supposed to be able to rely on more than anyone else in my life.  You know what they say---"once bitten, twice shy".  It's the story of my life.

As time goes by, I am feeling less heartache---but the memories are still lurking very close to the surface and continue to swirl around inside my mind, evoking twinges of both good and bad feelings.

I committed myself to remaining true to my best friend.  I am loyal and loving and can never turn my back on someone that I love.  Wouldn't this world be an amazing place to live if we could all be this loyal? 

It's easy to love during the happy times, but it takes a lot of strength, determination, and courage to make it through the dark times.

I don't place blame, and won't claim to be innocent in how it all unfolded.  I am the kind of person that can step back and have compassion for my friends, and take into consideration what they are going through in their day-to-day lives.  I forgive and give chances for redemption.

I was sad, and grieving.  Sometimes a little lost.  Often emotional, but always loving, grateful, and kind.  I didn't ever pull away or reject my best friend.  I trusted and poured out my innermost thoughts and feelings and didn't hide my emotions.

I was also there to listen and comfort.  It was a give-and-take relationship.  Everyone has painful memories, and sharing them is a way of getting to know each other.

Long story short.......it's over.

I have regrets.  There are things that I wish I could undo.  I wish I could erase the intimacy and just remained friends. 

The saddest part of all is knowing that it can't be undone. 

I remember the laughter and sharing, before it all became complicated.  I miss the emails, chats, and phone calls.  I miss the trust.

How does love and physical comfort turn things so ugly?  I don't understand, and I'm sad about it.

All I can do is breathe, focus on the things that I can change, and let go of the rest.  I have a plan and there's no better time than the present to make it a reality.

I miss you dear friend, and wish you nothing but the best in life.  Thanks for being there when I needed you the most.  I take from this experience the valuable lessons that will get me through the rest of my life, and you'll forever hold a piece of my heart.  Be kind.  Be well.  Be the best you, that you can be.

Let me go with peace and kindness in your heart, and everything will be okay.  (((HUGS)))

~A Reason, A Season, or a Lifetime....which one are you?

My dad sent me this, and even though I've seen this before, I've decided to re-post it here as the message is worthwhile to read.  I added the photos which I thought captured the message.  Thanks to all that have contributed to my life lessons.  Love, Peace, & Freedom to all xxoo

~A Reason, A Season, or a Lifetime~

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know  which one it is, you will know what to do for that Person..

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need You have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with Guidance and support,

To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an End.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire Fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. 

 

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has Come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy..

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,

Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional Foundation..

Your job is to accept the lesson,

Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other Relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. 

Thank you for being a part of my life,

Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

   

The dreaded day of departure.........

~This was the day I feared the most of all, remembering how so many years ago I laid to rest your big brother and had to walk away forever.

During the entire pregnancy all that I could think of was how is this final moment going to feel?  How will I survive?  Will it hurt forever............how do I heal?


I remember that Good Friday, the day I held you for the very first time while you took your final breaths nestled gently in my arms.  As the doctor approached with the stethoscope I remember closing my eyes and holding my breath.......waiting........."I'm very sorry, but he's gone".

I sat and held you, surrounded by your father, brothers, grandmothers, aunties and uncle, and my very dear friends that were there to witness your departure to the Spirit World beyond.  My blood drained away, I felt chilled, and oh so numb.  

All I could think of was "this can't be happening to me......this just cannot be happening to me......not again......why?......this cannot be happening to me"..........


I somehow made it through the rest of the day on auto-pilot.  I dressed you in the clothing your father brought for you, enabling others to hold you.  I couldn't watch as they one-by-one said their goodbyes.


As everyone left I could only sit in silence in the hallway sobbing and aching for this beautiful little boy that had been growing and kicking inside of me only 8 short days ago.  

How does this happen?  Why does this happen?


I spent the remainder of the evening holding you, bathing you, saving your feet prints and locket of hair.  I rubbed you down with Nivea cream and dressed you one last time that day, in preparation for the cold storage.  

I remember placing you so gently inside the 'bag', taking care to wrap you in the hospital sheets, cover your face, and zip you up.  I wrapped you in blue ribbons and tied a bow, then held you waiting for the security guards to come and take you away.


Shortly after midnight I walked out of that place........my empty arms aching......my heart pounding......my thoughts so scattered.


What do I do now?


I returned home and somehow we got through the next few days of your wake service.  I could see you, hold you, caress you, kiss you.  I loved your beautiful new baby scent and focused on breathing you all in so that I could remember the details forever.


Then came the moment I feared most of all.  The dreaded day of departure.

~I didn't want to let go, but I had no choice.  It was time.  

I held you tight and kissed you one last time ♥ Letting go was excruciating. I laid you down, took one last glance, and prayed for strength to go on without you.

I felt all the eyes watching, bearing witness to my unbearable grief washing over me as I prepared to lay you down one last time.  I remember sobbing and clinging tightly to your lifeless body, saying "NO, not yet.  I can't let go yet."

I gathered my thoughts and hugged you with my eyes closed, not wanting to see that moment unfold before me as I laid you down for the last time.


We surrounded you with our precious keepsakes and gifts, and I swear my heart stopped beating as the lid was lowered knowing I'd never see your beautiful face again. 

I felt the scalding tears while I struggled to breathe......and knew that nothing was ever going to be the same again.  

I don't know how I got outside and barely remember the procession to the graveside.  The drive seemed to take forever, but passed too quickly.


The sun was setting......the damp, spring air was crisp.  As the casket was lowered into the ground and the daisies placed over  your tiny body all I could think is "my baby's in there.  A part of me is in that box and I will never see him or touch him ever again.  Oh God, please help me get through this.  I can't breathe, I can't do this.......oh somebody please help me.........."

How does a Mother leave her child's precious, newborn body in the dark, cold, dirt and not lose her freaking mind?  I have no answers, but in hindsight can only say that the human spirit is very resilient when it wants---or has---to be. 

I couldn't watch as everyone took a turn at tossing a handful of earth on top of him.  My legs were giving out and I felt too weak to stand any longer.  Please-----just get me out of here!  I can't watch this, I can't breathe, it hurts too much........

The panic overtook me.......

We buried him as the sun was setting.......and left him beneath the stars for all eternity............
  

♥ Gzaagin Nimkee ~ March 29-April 6, 2007 ♥

~Happy St. Patrick's Day~

 

We never know our plight in this world, but if I should pass before we next speak, 
Please remember these words. 

Spill a few tears, share a few of your favourite memories of me, and please---
Raise a glass for me to celebrate my life.
The day I return to the Spirit World will be a joyous day,
as I will be reunited with my sweet boys Noah and Bennett-Chadlen! 

May you always remember my smile, laughter, and zest for life.

Remember to always take the high-road, and never go to bed angry.

Allow everyone you love to know where they stand in your life, and always part ways with a hug.

Squeeze every ounce of joy out of each day, and remember to always learn from your mistakes.

There is no such thing as failure as long as you've tried your best.

Allow yourself some spontaneous adventures, and try travelling without a map or itinerary--it's fun!

Don't waste time on people that don't see you as valuable in their own lives.
  

We are all a blessing to someone.

The amazing someone that is out there for you may pass you by if you're not available--

Take risks.  

Learn to be alone and rejoice in your independence.

Forgive everyone and don't allow them to own your mind.
Let go peacefully, and move on.....don't hold a grudge. 
As long as you're focusing on the anger, that person is in charge of your mind.
Be strong, and don't allow it. 
Sometimes it takes a long time to work through it, but just do it.

 

Be happy with who you are, and love yourself more than you love anyone else, even your children.  Believe me, they will thank you for it!
Happy people are the most awesome people to be around!

Dance in the rain......I love it and highly recommend it!

Learn to skip rocks and do it whenever you need some time to think and muddle through things.

Seek solace in silence by the water.....rejoice in the serenity and beauty around you always.

Breathe deeply....

...and be aware of your breath slowly leaving your body---washing away the stress.....

Compile your favourite songs, no matter how crappy someone else might think they are~

Play it loud.....and SING!  LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAAA....

Talk to your pets....they will always love you unconditionally.
Treat them like a member of your family.
If you don't want to be left outside alone to sleep in the rain, cold snow, and darkness, 
then don't do it to your pet.
They didn't ask to be born and used for a pooping lawn ornament.

Plant flowers and surround yourself with beauty.

Splurge on your favourite foods and fragrances....you will never regret it!

Do not live beyond your means.....on credit.
Sometimes we need to borrow money, but always make sure you can pay it back.
Things we can't afford don't make us happy.
The calls from the creditors aren't worth it....so just pay your debts and be smart.

Stay away from toxic people......even if they're family.

Love yourself enough to surround yourself by those that accept you for who you are, 

and never pass judgement on you.

Always remember that we teach people how to treat us.  If we allow it they just might step all over you or feel it's acceptable to ignore you because you choose to be happy.

Always ask questions before jumping to conclusions.
Take time to consider how you might feel in a certain situation, 
and show compassion----even if you don't understand.  
It shows strength of character and it's a very admiral trait.

Always choose your career path carefully.  

Work at something you love doing, something that will nourish your soul.
  

Why waste precious seconds of your life being miserable, even if it pays the bills?

Always choose happiness over money, because money does not buy happiness.

Live your life for you.  

Those that are worthy of your affections will love you for it and want to join in on the fun!

Never pass up a celebration with awesome people.  Whoop it up while you can!

Eat cake.  Drink responsibly.  Laugh often.

Allow yourself to experience every emotion that you feel without worrying someone will think you are crazy.  
We're all a little crazy, and I'm not afraid to admit it.
Feelings are okay, choosing to act out on those feelings isn't always advisable---
so choose  your actions wisely!

Climb a mountain and scream as loud as you need to.  
It'll be okay.  
Just do it.  
Then go to the lake and skip rocks.

Curse if you want to, but never in public.  (That's just rude.)

Accept everyone equally.....man, woman, child....we all deserve respect and kindness.

Be alone for several months of your adult life.....even a year if you can!

There is nothing wrong with being a single individual.

The best relationships in life revolve around self-preservation and self love.

Go somewhere alone as often as possible.

Walk your dog, or just ramble through the woods, or walk along an empty shoreline.  

Sit on a park bench and feed the birds.  

Just do it alone, in silence.  Allow the thoughts, feelings, and tears....

Trust me, you owe yourself some silent time without anyone else around.

Once you become comfortable with this, you will be an awesome partner for someone and they will thank you for taking this advice.

Seek yourself out.  

Find yourself.  

Reach deep down inside yourself and find out what your soul is telling you......and embrace it.

Most importantly, don't ever change who you are deep down inside.

Don't fall in love with someone that doesn't have any desire to love themselves.  
They will only hurt you and cause you heartache.  
Love them from a safe distance and wish them well.
If they have potential and want to learn, then teach them and set them free......
If they really want to change, they will do it, and come back to you.
You will reap the benefits of your generous nature, and you will both be happier.


Always enter into a relationship as a WHOLE PERSON.
2 halves making one may sound romantic, but it's just stupid.
Would you want to build your house on a frame made out of broken bricks?  Not me!


Build a relationship out of 2 WHOLE PEOPLE that aren't afraid to be individuals.
Trust is very important.
Someone that loves and respects you will always support you no matter what anyone else thinks.
Set the bar high and don't settle for less than what you truly want.

Be the best, most amazing parent that you could ever dream of having for yourself.  
Your children deserve it.
Love them enough to discipline them and teach them how to behave in public.
Manners and self-control are very important.
If it's not allowed at school or in a public social setting, then don't allow it at home!
People will love your children and like having you around.
If your kids are maniacs that yell, scream, and whine----
then trust me---
no one likes them and you should go home and stay there until you AND your kids can learn how to behave and respect the general public.


To my darling boys-----remember the golden rule.
Family is number one.
Love each other and always be kind, because in the end that's all that matters.
Family was here first, and family should be there til the end.

Brendan, Tristan, Mason, & Tanner-----
always remember how our home was never empty.
Share what you have with others in need....

Remember our prayer~
Thank-you God for giving us this beautiful day,
Thank-you for our health and for each other.
Thank-you for giving us Bennett-Chadlen.
 and thank-you for his family too.
We pray for everybody, everywhere, 
because everybody has their needs.
Please continue to give us strength and courage to face each day as it comes,
and allow us to always be grateful for every blessing that we have in our lives.  Amen.

Continue to make me proud, and know I'm always just a whisper away.
Speak my name into the wind and I'll be there.....always.......
I love you more than words can say.....

There are no good-byes......until we meet again
Baamaapii Gawaabmin


One last request~


Grow daisies in my memory, and remember me in every sunset......

Now raise  your glass.....and CHEERS!

Remembered Joy  

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free!
I follow the plan God laid for me.
I saw His face, I heard His call,
I took His hand and left it all...
I could not stay another day,
To love, to laugh, to work or play;
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
And if my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss...
Ah yes, these things I, too, shall miss.
My life's been full, I've savoured much:
Good times, good friends, a loved-one's touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief—
Don't shorten yours with undue grief.
Be not burdened with tears of sorrow,
Enjoy the sunshine of the morrow.


We receive so many messages in this life to be better, achieve more.....but I don't buy into it, and you shouldn't either.  You are perfect to me, just the way you are.
Here's to you all xxoo

~March 13th ~ TRISOMY 13 AWARENESS DAY~

~Today, myself and many other families around the world took part in remembering and honouring our Trisomy 13 angel-babies and miraculous survivors.  The 13th day of the 3rd month signifies the addition of the 3rd COPY of Chromosome 13 which contraindicates Trisomy 13.

This is a beautiful commemoration of other Trisomy 13 families that celebrate and cherish the blessings that we share. Thank you to Micayla, Angel Faith's Mommy, for putting this together and sharing it with others.

Love, Peace, & Nimkee-Blessings to all on this special day and ways xxoo

I love you Bennett-Chadlen xxoo

~MARCH is TRISOMY, CDH, BRAIN INJURY, NUTRITION, & COLORECTAL CANCER AWARENESS MONTH~

~The month of March is significant to me for a variety of reasons.

It is the month that my father and brother have their birthdays.

It is the month for Brain Injury Awareness,  Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Awareness, National Nutrition Month, and Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month.

The most significant of all is that March 29th, 2007 was the day that my youngest son Bennett-Chadlen Roy was born at Mt. Sinai Hospital in Toronto, Canada, and spent his entire 8 day life at Sick Kids Hospital NICU.

Bennett-Chadlen was diagnosed with Trisomy 13 halfway through my pregnancy, in my fifth month.  I had no idea what it was, and what it meant for his life.  I just knew that it had to be something bad judging by the look of horror and  pain on my midwife's face as she tried to break it to me as gently as possible.

How do you tell someone that their unborn child is affected by a rare chromosomal abnormality which often results in death prenatally or shortly following birth?

March is TRISOMY AWARENESS MONTH.  It is the one month of the year when all families of children born affected with Trisomy can join forces and inform our family and friends what Trisomy is, and what it means to us.

What began is the worst possible nightmare that I could possibly imagine, has turned into an unbelievable journey of unconditional love, pure acceptance, grief, healing, and joy.  Why joy you might ask?

My son gave me the greatest gift imaginable.  He opened me up to the most intense feeling of love that I could never imagine without experiencing it firsthand.  There are no words for the wonder and depth of admiration that I felt for this tiny, unborn son of mine.  Every single moment of time, every tiny little heartbeat......was graciously celebrated within my womb.  I spent each day rubbing him through my belly, speaking his name as I described what I could see and what "we" were doing.  I spent countless hours rocking him in front of the fire at night, in a room lit only by the flames.  I celebrated every kick and prayed for many more.  I shed tears that I thought would never stop.

Through the gift of my blessed boy, I learned to live spontaneously and squeeze every amount of happiness out of each and every day that I can breath.  I welcome life, I rejoice in the ability to experience the rain, wind, snow, and sunshine.  I hug my boys as often as possible, and never allow a day to go by without them knowing how much they are cherished and loved.  The same goes for the special people and friends in my life.

Through the internet I was able to not only learn about the survivors and families affected by Trisomy 13, but I was also able to reach out and 'meet' others in similar situations and seek comfort and solace within their words of support which they so generously gave to me when I enquired or requested it.

As I near my sweet boy's 4th Heavenly Birthday I can't help but feel sentimental and think back to those final days 4 years ago as I was waiting for him to be born.

I can't explain it, but I can show you the beautiful photos which were provided to me courtesy of Heather Renee Morgan of Lifespark Photography.

Love, Peace, & Nimkee-Blessings to all my special Trisomy families today, and always xxoo

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

~It's 2 am and I'm too tired to sleep.......

~So I know that doesn't make any sense at all, but it's my overworked mind that is exhausted, but restless.  I'm sure most of us can understand that concept?

It seems that there just aren't enough hours in the day for me anymore.  I have so much that I want to do, but yet my body says NOOOOO.  I've tried ignoring my body and pushed through with my goals, only to find out that was the very wrong thing to do in this condition.  It's so frustrating!!!

So here I am, trying to cram in some words that I want to stop from swirling around in my brain making me nauseous.

First of all----this heartburn can take a hike any time now!  I am pretty sure it's related to the bazillion meds I have to swallow each day.  I think I need to add an antacid to this......Ranitidine perhaps??  I took this before for some prescribed anti-inflammatories which ended up disagreeing with me in unmentionable ways!  It was horrible......but I didn't have heartburn---so I guess it worked??

Here's a refresher for those that may not have seen the previous post about my "condition":

 

Looking at these photos isn't making this indigestion go away any faster!!!

Speaking of said "condition", I am off to the mainland tomorrow for another Lung Function Test as the results of my screening test last week were unsatisfactory.  Since this might be related to the lupus, we need to be proactive in seeking answers.  I am remaining positive and hoping for the best!

I repeat to myself......I will heal.  I am healing.  I will be healthy.  I AM HEALTHY........I have a goal to live to be 100 YEARS OLD---AND I'M GONNA (beeping) DO IT TOO!

I am determined.......and I have to say that I've been fairly successful in maintaining this cheery outlook since I made it a priority to focus on ME for a change.

Now......the other issue.  I am disgusted.  I am sickened.  I am thoroughly and utterly appalled at the insensitivity and hideous reactions of someone I deeply admired.  I don't even know what to think anymore.  I feel so..............dare I repeat myself?......DISGUSTED.  I am more disgusted with this person than I have ever been with anyone else.

Why?  Because I honestly didn't ever think that he was capable of such gross and indecent behaviour.

I know I haven't been a barrel of monkeys fun to be around, but holy hell.........look at my life for F-sakes!!!  I have done the best I can, while maintaining a level head (for the most part) through the most horrific experience that any mother can live through.

Add D-I-V-O-R-C-E and financial issues up the wing-wang and you're looking at a disaster in the making.

But the FUN DOESN'T STOP THERE!

I made a serious, life-altering decision to share some comfort with someone and it resulted in an unplanned pregnancy.  Shocking.....but as soon as I caught my breath I accepted my plight for I brought this upon myself.  I won't even pretend this was an immaculate conception.

So, here I am.........legally separated, single-mom, 4 living sons, one stillborn son, 2 sick sons, financially ruined home-owner of the Money Pit from HELL----and alone and pregnant.  Let's not forget that I also had a very angry estranged husband that cut-off my vehicle insurance and refused to handover the ownership papers so I could insure it myself (nevermind that I had been paying the vehicle insurance myself for years----can you say "begruntled" much?---k, that's the nicest thing I can say about that!) so my wheels were literally rotting away into the paved driveway for 3 yrs.  How nice----NOT.  Borrowing wheels from my mother came with an endless slew of judgment, and I had to always explain why and where I was going.  It sucked the nastiest, sweatiest, stinkiest donkey balls you can imagine!

So anyway.....where was I again????  Oh yes...........we were talking about ME.  "Badluck Shleprock"

Now back to spewing my sarcasm............

My baby was prenatally diagnosed during my fifth month with Trisomy 13---"incompatible with life"...."failure to thrive"........bla bla bla.  I was alone, pregnant, and devastated beyond comprehension.....not to mention scared out of my freaking mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Skip ahead......weeks before Bennett's delivery my estranged husband has me served with papers because he has suddenly decided it would be PERFECT TIMING to drag me into court and try to take away my children.......thereby eliminating my ONLY source of income should he get his way.

Life suddenly got even worse than I could even imagine, but I had no time to think about that.  I had to GO!  It was time to move to Toronto and await the impending arrival of Nimkee.  The weeks were unbearable----like the ticking of a time bomb waiting to go off at any given second.  Was I going to deliver another stillborn son?  Will he survive delivery?  Will he die during delivery?  Will he die right away?  Will I get to hold him?  Will he require surgery?  Will I ever bring him home?????????????

Bennett-Chadlen was born on March 29th, 2 days overdue.  Sadly he passed away 8 days later and my world was turned upside-down again.

Who in their right mind even thinks that going through all of this was going to be easy for me???  How can anyone think that a loving, joyful relationship is going to develop and blossom during the darkest period of my life???????

I trusted this person with my heart and soul.  I shared my deepest love, I leaned hard......I trusted he'd keep his word to be here for me?  I mean really----how could anyone pull away from someone in need such as I was??

I never promised you a rose garden.......isn't that how the song goes???

I made it clear that my life was SHIT.  Pure and utter SHIT.  Let's not sugarcoat the truth.

Yes, I needed comfort and support.....but never did I ask for anything other than loyal friendship in return.  I didn't want money, or entertainment.  I didn't want diamonds or luxurious gifts.  I didn't ask for travel, or expensive dinners out----nothing of the sort!

Just sit with me.  Listen to me.  Hold me.  Care for me.  Laugh with me.

I loved in return.  I was grateful and thankful......and always made it known through my words of gratitude, my affection, my attentions.........I gave it all-----everything that money cannot buy.

Me.......emotionally destitute, nearly bankrupt-----literally shattered----but yet I had it in me to show love, and compassion......and I listened and gave comfort.

I took....but I GAVE just as much or more than I was given.

Where am I now????  Sitting here.......alone........and DISGUSTED.

K.....it's 3 am and I've said all I need to say for one night. Excuse the ramblings of an "allegedly" insane house-mom.  Whatever......Ask yourself.  Where would you be?  You can barely survive being loved and wanted.....let alone have to endure anything quite this emotionally devastating.  I know your story and it melted my heart and made me want to hold on tighter.  What's your excuse???

For what it's worth.......my heart hasn't stopped loving----despite how disgusted I am right now.  Try looking at MY LIFE and stop feeling so victimized, used, and wounded.  Nobody here has harmed you.  You tell me what is a lie in any of this?  Focus on the positive......and be proud of what I have survived and overcome.  Feel lucky.  Feel honoured.  That is how I feel about you.......it's all unconditional.......

Do not blame me because all you can comprehend is negativity.  If all you ever see is the negative and assume the worst in every situation-----then that's all you're ever going to feel.  You will always feel negative and irritable.....uncomfortable......fearful.

I have a right to react to the constant rejection and miscommunication......and don't act shocked.  You have treated me far worse for way less............and that's the honest truth.  Own your mistakes.  I haven't denied mine. 

My apologies are sincere.  My love is real.  My loyalty is unfaltering.  My forgiveness is never-ending.  I don't fear anything, or anyone----but I am choosing to move on with my life and not look back.  I deserve better than what I've allowed and accepted. 

I don't think I will ever understand how anyone can be so mean.  MEAN PEOPLE SUCK!

~The Story of Unconditional Love Through My Eyes~

"Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It's about understanding that he is exactly the person he is supposed to be. And that, if you're lucky, he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be." ~The Water Giver

I came across this quote today and it brought to mind my youngest son Bennett-Chadlen.  Upon further inspection, this Mother wrote this book all about her son that nearly died in an accident and struggles with an Acquired Brain Injury.  

It is the story of a Mother's love and determination to assist her child to succeed and re-learn all the things that many of us take for granted.  Through her writings we are able to observe not only her feelings, but the healing journey and poignant look into this family's day to day experiences.

The Water Bearer is a story that I could have written myself, and maybe one day I will, as I too am the Mother of a son that has struggled through life with the residual effects of his own Traumatic Brain Injury received after being struck by a teenage driver at the age of 4.

It is a story that I became re-acquainted with when I learned of Tristan and Tanner's 'Hereditary Spherocytosis', and again when Bennett-Chadlen was diagnosed prenatally with his Trisomy 13.

The love for my son's has sustained me, and pushed me to persevere through excruciating times in our life.  There were days I felt utterly alone and overcome with emotions.  Some days I could only sit alone and cry and wonder WHY?  Why so much heartache?  Why me?  Why us?  WHY, WHY, WHY?

In the silence that followed the deep purging of fearful tears and the ever-nagging, complex questions I had for the universe......I felt renewed and gained the strength and courage necessary to take each burden and create a challenge to overcome.

I was born and blessed with a fierce determination to identify and tackle all of life's challenges to the best of my ability.  I create a list of 'things to DO', and I won't stop until I have exhausted that list.  When I cannot think of one more thing to DO, I will then take a deep breath and chalk that up to a learning experience and do my best to function and cope with the daily struggles.

I appreciate each and every day, and cherish the small things in life.  I start and end each day with an awareness of the miracles surrounding us and I'm grateful for the pure gift of life.

My boys have taught me to love deeply, unconditionally.  Because of them I strive to be a better person.  There are no words that can capture the true essence of my love and admiration for all of the special  people in my love that I hold near, and dear to my heart.

I shall leave you with these words.......

Face each challenge.  DO your best.  Be brave, courageous, and compassionate in everything you DO.

And always remember ~ There is no such thing as failure.

~photo courtesy of Heather Renee Morgan of Lifespark.ca~