Today is a grey day. The skies are grey.....my mood is grey.....my thoughts and feelings are various shades of grey.
The snow is finally all gone and the grass is finally turning a bright hue of green. The daffodils and hyacinth are popping up and there are robins hopping around looking for worms and bits of twigs and straw to make their nests. Signs of new life are everywhere.
I feel like I have too many pokers in the fire right now. So much to do, so little motivation to get started. This dreary weather and rainy days don't help much. Where are the warm temps of spring? Please Mr. Sunshine----shine down on me!
The list of tasks seems endless.
- First and foremost----DUMP RUNS! My yard looks like a bad episode of Sanford & Son. Seriously, it's nuts!
- I want to organize my home and finish some demolition jobs to open everything up and let the light and heat circulate.
- I'm in the process of setting up my (almost) 13-yr old with his own room and giving him some independence and privacy that all new teens crave so much.
- I need to repair my 'less-than-a-yr-old' fence that my neighbours kids took so much pleasure in destroying by any means necessary.
- I really want to focus on getting my gardens back into tip-top shape, and I want to plant vegetables again. I love being able to watch it all grow, then go out and pick the fresh veggies for dinner. There's really nothing like it.
- I want to fill my rooms with vases of fresh-cut flowers from my yard. This is something I haven't done in years.
I've felt so emotionally overwhelmed by everything. The thoughts and feelings became burdensome and difficult to lay aside and carry on with 'business as usual'. I lost my focus and my drive. I needed to take a 'timeout' and catch my breath. Existence was my only goal.
I spent the last year working very hard at finding myself again. I've struggled with identity loss for what seems like forever, and I did it alone. I had to lay aside some relationships and just do this for ME. I knew that I was risking losing those people that I valued, but it was necessary and I don't regret a moment of it. The way I see it, if I'm worth anything to anyone, then those people will stand behind me and encourage my goals and accept my faults patiently.
I've had this idea in my mind of who and what I am, but placing it all strategically and making full use of these notions to the best of my ability has evaded me. It isn't easy, and no one has the right to judge until they've spent a day in my life. The heartache seemed endless......I'd lost so much in such a brief period of time.
Today, I stand proud, with my head held high. I am a survivor. I am a mother. I am an independent woman that leans on no one financially to help me get ahead. Needing to talk to someone isn't a weakness. We all need to reach out and verbalize our 'stuff'. It's healthy and necessary for successful healing. I find no shame in doing so.
Did I make mistakes during a vulnerable time in my life? Maybe........
Will I do it again..........Maybe.......
Will I get through it all successfully with grace and dignity intact?...........
ABSOLUTELY! That's a promise. I am focused and ready for anything and everything.
Tomorrow is another day, and I look forward to it, each and every single day. There's a world of endless possibilities in every sunset and sunrise......Carpe Diem. Seize the Day.
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