~ATTACHMENT vs APPRECIATION & GRATITUDE~

There is a difference between feeling gratitude and appreciation for something, and feeling attachment to something.  Appreciation and gratitude are states of pure love, while attachment contains fear – fear of losing or not having what you are attached to.  When it comes to something you want in your life, appreciation and gratitude attract, and attachment pushes away.  If you are feeling afraid that you will not get what you want, or losing what you have, then you have attachment.  To remove the attachment, keep shifting yourself into a state of appreciation and gratitude, until you can feel that the fear is gone. ~ The Secret

If I'm completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I have always struggled with this issue.  I have zero doubt that I suffer from Attachment & Fear.  I am always afraid of losing the people that I love, or not being loved in return.  It has been stifling and paralyzing to live this way.

I find myself 'stuck' within the guarded walls that I have built up around my fragile and delicate heart.

I am a person of great passion and feel emotions intensely.

While this is great when I'm happy and feeling 'in love'---on those rare occasions when someone has managed to get me to let down my guard and allow them inside my soul's fortress---it is completely devastating and crippling when the seemingly inevitable occurs, and I find myself alone once again.

I can't help but ask myself 'why' does this happen?  Because it is a recurring theme, I must take responsibility for my participation in this outcome.  It always leads me back to one thing.  Fear.

Fear can drive me to do one of two things.  Fight or Flight.

Let's face it.  Anyone that knows me well, knows that I'm a fighter.  I don't back down easily, especially if it's something that I truly believe in.  I don't do things halfway.  It's all or nothing.

I am not afraid of taking certain risks, as long as my own heart isn't involved.

Oh, I can be stubborn and hold back as long as possible.  I hesitate, and examine my surroundings before partaking of the path ahead.  Once I decide to take a step in that direction, nothing can stop me from pursuing my heart's desire.

Admittedly, my choices are often poor, impulsive at times, but always enjoyable in the beginning.  But hey--how do we do know how something may turn out, unless we try it???  I push myself outside my boundaries and comfort levels, always hoping for the best.  I will always make this choice in the end.

What if this could be the best thing to ever happen to me?  What if this is IT?

Then I gather my courage.....and set off on a journey, full of excitement and wonder.  It's a beautiful thing....until the fear and attachment anxiety sets in....which always happens, and sometimes without a good reason.  It's irrational fear which destroys me.

Faced with adversity, I will always stand up for myself, much to the chagrin of whoever dares to defy me.  I will show no mercy.  I will always be honest when voicing my concerns, which to many comes across as rude---but why sugarcoat things, or beat around the bush?  I don't have time for mind-games, nor do I enjoy having them played against me.

I believe in fighting fair.  Speak your truth, don't be insulting or say things that you truly don't mean, and be prepared for the consequences of your decisions.

I do however, have periods of self-doubt---usually when considering the consequences or possible outcomes of the decisions which I am about to make, or the words which I am about to speak---and it's during those times that I waver and the fear overcomes me.

I rapidly process the thoughts in my mind, briefly considering the implications, then push forth----and say what I am feeling.

The biggest problem being, that quite often the recipient of my sentiments, takes great offence without actually hearing that which I am trying desperately to convey.

I see the anger and hear the defensive backlash, and I cringe inside.  The words penetrate me like a dagger in the gut.  I realize that I have been misunderstood, and realize that I must try to redeem myself.  It's too late.  The angry ears aren't listening.  The walls go up, and the Flight response kicks in.

Yes, this is often a 2-way street, and I recognize and admit that I too have been guilty of becoming defensive and/or shutdown before a compromise or solution can be reached.

So now what?  I've made it through the worst of this and am on the other side of the devastation.  I respect the decisions which have been made, and I am ready to accept the consequences.  I did not get to this place alone.

I have analyzed every angle, and in hindsight can see how I was equally as offensive, but I meant every word that I uttered.  I felt disrespected and disgusted, hurt, and scared.  Those are real feelings and I cannot deny myself that honesty.  I need to be true to myself and not settle for less than what I really want or feel that I deserve in this life.

Today is a new day.  

I am ready to move forward and heal.  

I am ready to lay fear aside, and capture and hold onto the essence of Appreciation & Gratitude towards those that own a piece of my heart.

I can't hold onto what I desire, based upon a Fear to let go.  

I need to break free from the anxiety of this Attachment disorder which binds me to this place of loneliness and despair.

Thank-you for loving me, believing in me, and for sharing this time with me.  

I Appreciate all that you have done for my children and I.  

I feel much Gratitude towards you for everything. 

I love you.  Unconditionally.