~ATTACHMENT vs APPRECIATION & GRATITUDE~

There is a difference between feeling gratitude and appreciation for something, and feeling attachment to something.  Appreciation and gratitude are states of pure love, while attachment contains fear – fear of losing or not having what you are attached to.  When it comes to something you want in your life, appreciation and gratitude attract, and attachment pushes away.  If you are feeling afraid that you will not get what you want, or losing what you have, then you have attachment.  To remove the attachment, keep shifting yourself into a state of appreciation and gratitude, until you can feel that the fear is gone. ~ The Secret

If I'm completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I have always struggled with this issue.  I have zero doubt that I suffer from Attachment & Fear.  I am always afraid of losing the people that I love, or not being loved in return.  It has been stifling and paralyzing to live this way.

I find myself 'stuck' within the guarded walls that I have built up around my fragile and delicate heart.

I am a person of great passion and feel emotions intensely.

While this is great when I'm happy and feeling 'in love'---on those rare occasions when someone has managed to get me to let down my guard and allow them inside my soul's fortress---it is completely devastating and crippling when the seemingly inevitable occurs, and I find myself alone once again.

I can't help but ask myself 'why' does this happen?  Because it is a recurring theme, I must take responsibility for my participation in this outcome.  It always leads me back to one thing.  Fear.

Fear can drive me to do one of two things.  Fight or Flight.

Let's face it.  Anyone that knows me well, knows that I'm a fighter.  I don't back down easily, especially if it's something that I truly believe in.  I don't do things halfway.  It's all or nothing.

I am not afraid of taking certain risks, as long as my own heart isn't involved.

Oh, I can be stubborn and hold back as long as possible.  I hesitate, and examine my surroundings before partaking of the path ahead.  Once I decide to take a step in that direction, nothing can stop me from pursuing my heart's desire.

Admittedly, my choices are often poor, impulsive at times, but always enjoyable in the beginning.  But hey--how do we do know how something may turn out, unless we try it???  I push myself outside my boundaries and comfort levels, always hoping for the best.  I will always make this choice in the end.

What if this could be the best thing to ever happen to me?  What if this is IT?

Then I gather my courage.....and set off on a journey, full of excitement and wonder.  It's a beautiful thing....until the fear and attachment anxiety sets in....which always happens, and sometimes without a good reason.  It's irrational fear which destroys me.

Faced with adversity, I will always stand up for myself, much to the chagrin of whoever dares to defy me.  I will show no mercy.  I will always be honest when voicing my concerns, which to many comes across as rude---but why sugarcoat things, or beat around the bush?  I don't have time for mind-games, nor do I enjoy having them played against me.

I believe in fighting fair.  Speak your truth, don't be insulting or say things that you truly don't mean, and be prepared for the consequences of your decisions.

I do however, have periods of self-doubt---usually when considering the consequences or possible outcomes of the decisions which I am about to make, or the words which I am about to speak---and it's during those times that I waver and the fear overcomes me.

I rapidly process the thoughts in my mind, briefly considering the implications, then push forth----and say what I am feeling.

The biggest problem being, that quite often the recipient of my sentiments, takes great offence without actually hearing that which I am trying desperately to convey.

I see the anger and hear the defensive backlash, and I cringe inside.  The words penetrate me like a dagger in the gut.  I realize that I have been misunderstood, and realize that I must try to redeem myself.  It's too late.  The angry ears aren't listening.  The walls go up, and the Flight response kicks in.

Yes, this is often a 2-way street, and I recognize and admit that I too have been guilty of becoming defensive and/or shutdown before a compromise or solution can be reached.

So now what?  I've made it through the worst of this and am on the other side of the devastation.  I respect the decisions which have been made, and I am ready to accept the consequences.  I did not get to this place alone.

I have analyzed every angle, and in hindsight can see how I was equally as offensive, but I meant every word that I uttered.  I felt disrespected and disgusted, hurt, and scared.  Those are real feelings and I cannot deny myself that honesty.  I need to be true to myself and not settle for less than what I really want or feel that I deserve in this life.

Today is a new day.  

I am ready to move forward and heal.  

I am ready to lay fear aside, and capture and hold onto the essence of Appreciation & Gratitude towards those that own a piece of my heart.

I can't hold onto what I desire, based upon a Fear to let go.  

I need to break free from the anxiety of this Attachment disorder which binds me to this place of loneliness and despair.

Thank-you for loving me, believing in me, and for sharing this time with me.  

I Appreciate all that you have done for my children and I.  

I feel much Gratitude towards you for everything. 

I love you.  Unconditionally.

~LOVE vs HATE~

I've been plagued with a problem for quite some time now, and haven't known how to view it, or how to respond. I've tried various tactics and none of them have worked towards bringing me any sort of inner-peace until last night. Now that the initial sting and anger has passed, I've made a decision to just keep on loving, as that is what my heart is feeling.

The hurt is still there, consuming me night and day---caused by the depth of this emotion called 'caring', 'compassion', & 'empathy'.

{To be compassionate means to be aware of and sympathetic to the suffering of others. To be empathetic means to be able to notice the subtle verbal and non-verbal signals people give off that let you know what they need or want.

Compassionate, empathetic people are able to really listen to and understand the experiences that other people describe.

Their willingness to put their own concerns away for a while and to really witness and experience others' experiences is universally appreciated as a genuine and precious gift which decreases loneliness, bonds people together (creating stronger, deeper relationships), and enhances self-esteem and self-worth for both relationship partners.}

In my current situation, I can truly understand what is occurring, even though I may not understand why.

I decided to do a little digging on the internet to see what I'd find about such a phenomenon as LOVE vs HATE---and how there's a fine line between the two.

Living LOVE in the NOW, allows us to experience Joy now and continue to produce it until we have so much that we simply want to share it. By sharing it, we encourage others to feel Joy and for them to leave behind their negative emotions and glide forward into a self-empowering future. Living love now means being optimistic in that reality is faced, problems are acknowledged, solutions are sought and found, and harmony is maintained or extended to bring Joy. Living love means being humble and self-aware enough to acknowledge one's life as a miracle, one's place in the universe as miniscule, one's influence on others as great as their's can be on us. Truth becomes understanding that is relevant. Love is its own JUSTICE.

Living HATE in the NOW, prevents us from experiencing Joy and concentrates our energy on being distant, apart, rejected, needy, insufficient, anxious, fearful, and aggressive. We have nothing to share with others, only something to take. We want to take their time with our self-obsessed talk. We want to take their energy with their attempts to rescue us. We want to take their sympathy to make us feel important. We want to take their involvement, to make them equal in guilt and shame. We want to take their hopefulness and reverence and project our anger and pain into them. We threaten them with inflamed words and blame their fear filled reaction on the enemy we have identified as our excuse for self-righteousness. We will make our target "pay" for making us feel less than we would like to be.

Those who choose to Hate live in a fantasy that reality should give them what they want and that others should ignore their disrespect, their inconsistencies, their irresponsibility, their stubbornness to repeat errors, their willingness to victimize and become victims of their own actions. Hate means being proud enough to play god with the meaning of the actions of others, and, deceive and manipulate others to do what we want done. We seek to dominate one or more others by depriving them of their Rights. Truth becomes the rationalizations and fantasies that we use to deny reality. Hate is born in real and imagined injustice and feeds upon unresolved justice to construct greater injustices against others.

There is nothing to be won by being vindictive or venomous, due to built up resentment, and lack of joy or inner-peace. I understand the fears, confusion, and interference that often affect a person's mindset or belief system when one allows outside influences to overtake the heart. Gossip breeds doubt, insecurities, and can lead to hate.

I know where my heart is, and what it feels. No matter what happens next, or where life is leading me, I choose to be the Lover in the equation. I will not deny thyself of this healing and comforting pleasure. 

May you all receive the ability to love, with compassion and limitless empathy; create healing and comforting relationships in your lives; and be brave enough to choose the path of forgiveness and acceptance.

~Carpe Diem ~ Seize the Day~

~ Day 3 of NaBloPoMo

Today is a grey day.  The skies are grey.....my mood is grey.....my thoughts and feelings are various shades of grey.

The snow is finally all gone and the grass is finally turning a bright hue of green.  The daffodils and hyacinth are popping up and there are robins hopping around looking for worms and bits of twigs and straw to make their nests.  Signs of new life are everywhere.

I feel like I have too many pokers in the fire right now.  So much to do, so little motivation to get started.  This dreary weather and rainy days don't help much.  Where are the warm temps of spring?  Please Mr. Sunshine----shine down on me!

The list of tasks seems endless.

• First and foremost----DUMP RUNS!  My yard looks like a bad episode of Sanford & Son.  Seriously, it's nuts! 
• I want to organize my home and finish some demolition jobs to open everything up and let the light and heat circulate.  
• I'm in the process of setting up my (almost) 13-yr old with his own room and giving him some independence and privacy that all new teens crave so much.  
• I need to repair my 'less-than-a-yr-old' fence that my neighbours kids took so much pleasure in destroying by any means necessary.
• I really want to focus on getting my gardens back into tip-top shape, and I want to plant vegetables again.  I love being able to watch it all grow, then go out and pick the fresh veggies for dinner.  There's really nothing like it.
• I want to fill my rooms with vases of fresh-cut flowers from my yard.  This is something I haven't done in years.

What has stopped me?

I've felt so emotionally overwhelmed by everything.  The thoughts and feelings became burdensome and difficult to lay aside and carry on with 'business as usual'.  I lost my focus and my drive.  I needed to take a 'timeout' and catch my breath.  Existence was my only goal.

I spent the last year working very hard at finding myself again.  I've struggled with identity loss for what seems like forever, and I did it alone.  I had to lay aside some relationships and just do this for ME.  I knew that I was risking losing those people that I valued, but it was necessary and I don't regret a moment of it.  The way I see it, if I'm worth anything to anyone, then those people will stand behind me and encourage my goals and accept my faults patiently.

I've had this idea in my mind of who and what I am, but placing it all strategically and making full use of these notions to the best of my ability has evaded me.  It isn't easy, and no one has the right to judge until they've spent a day in my life.  The heartache seemed endless......I'd lost so much in such a brief period of time.

Today, I stand proud, with my head held high.  I am a survivor.  I am a mother.  I am an independent woman that leans on no one financially to help me get ahead.  Needing to talk to someone isn't a weakness.  We all need to reach out and verbalize our 'stuff'.  It's healthy and necessary for successful healing.  I find no shame in doing so.

Did I make mistakes during a vulnerable time in my life?  Maybe........

Will I do it again..........Maybe.......

Will I get through it all successfully with grace and dignity intact?...........

ABSOLUTELY!  That's a promise.  I am focused and ready for anything and everything.

Tomorrow is another day, and I look forward to it, each and every single day.  There's a world of endless possibilities in every sunset and sunrise......Carpe Diem.  Seize the Day.

~Happy St. Patrick's Day~

 

We never know our plight in this world, but if I should pass before we next speak, 
Please remember these words. 

Spill a few tears, share a few of your favourite memories of me, and please---
Raise a glass for me to celebrate my life.
The day I return to the Spirit World will be a joyous day,
as I will be reunited with my sweet boys Noah and Bennett-Chadlen! 

May you always remember my smile, laughter, and zest for life.

Remember to always take the high-road, and never go to bed angry.

Allow everyone you love to know where they stand in your life, and always part ways with a hug.

Squeeze every ounce of joy out of each day, and remember to always learn from your mistakes.

There is no such thing as failure as long as you've tried your best.

Allow yourself some spontaneous adventures, and try travelling without a map or itinerary--it's fun!

Don't waste time on people that don't see you as valuable in their own lives.
  

We are all a blessing to someone.

The amazing someone that is out there for you may pass you by if you're not available--

Take risks.  

Learn to be alone and rejoice in your independence.

Forgive everyone and don't allow them to own your mind.
Let go peacefully, and move on.....don't hold a grudge. 
As long as you're focusing on the anger, that person is in charge of your mind.
Be strong, and don't allow it. 
Sometimes it takes a long time to work through it, but just do it.

 

Be happy with who you are, and love yourself more than you love anyone else, even your children.  Believe me, they will thank you for it!
Happy people are the most awesome people to be around!

Dance in the rain......I love it and highly recommend it!

Learn to skip rocks and do it whenever you need some time to think and muddle through things.

Seek solace in silence by the water.....rejoice in the serenity and beauty around you always.

Breathe deeply....

...and be aware of your breath slowly leaving your body---washing away the stress.....

Compile your favourite songs, no matter how crappy someone else might think they are~

Play it loud.....and SING!  LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAAA....

Talk to your pets....they will always love you unconditionally.
Treat them like a member of your family.
If you don't want to be left outside alone to sleep in the rain, cold snow, and darkness, 
then don't do it to your pet.
They didn't ask to be born and used for a pooping lawn ornament.

Plant flowers and surround yourself with beauty.

Splurge on your favourite foods and fragrances....you will never regret it!

Do not live beyond your means.....on credit.
Sometimes we need to borrow money, but always make sure you can pay it back.
Things we can't afford don't make us happy.
The calls from the creditors aren't worth it....so just pay your debts and be smart.

Stay away from toxic people......even if they're family.

Love yourself enough to surround yourself by those that accept you for who you are, 

and never pass judgement on you.

Always remember that we teach people how to treat us.  If we allow it they just might step all over you or feel it's acceptable to ignore you because you choose to be happy.

Always ask questions before jumping to conclusions.
Take time to consider how you might feel in a certain situation, 
and show compassion----even if you don't understand.  
It shows strength of character and it's a very admiral trait.

Always choose your career path carefully.  

Work at something you love doing, something that will nourish your soul.
  

Why waste precious seconds of your life being miserable, even if it pays the bills?

Always choose happiness over money, because money does not buy happiness.

Live your life for you.  

Those that are worthy of your affections will love you for it and want to join in on the fun!

Never pass up a celebration with awesome people.  Whoop it up while you can!

Eat cake.  Drink responsibly.  Laugh often.

Allow yourself to experience every emotion that you feel without worrying someone will think you are crazy.  
We're all a little crazy, and I'm not afraid to admit it.
Feelings are okay, choosing to act out on those feelings isn't always advisable---
so choose  your actions wisely!

Climb a mountain and scream as loud as you need to.  
It'll be okay.  
Just do it.  
Then go to the lake and skip rocks.

Curse if you want to, but never in public.  (That's just rude.)

Accept everyone equally.....man, woman, child....we all deserve respect and kindness.

Be alone for several months of your adult life.....even a year if you can!

There is nothing wrong with being a single individual.

The best relationships in life revolve around self-preservation and self love.

Go somewhere alone as often as possible.

Walk your dog, or just ramble through the woods, or walk along an empty shoreline.  

Sit on a park bench and feed the birds.  

Just do it alone, in silence.  Allow the thoughts, feelings, and tears....

Trust me, you owe yourself some silent time without anyone else around.

Once you become comfortable with this, you will be an awesome partner for someone and they will thank you for taking this advice.

Seek yourself out.  

Find yourself.  

Reach deep down inside yourself and find out what your soul is telling you......and embrace it.

Most importantly, don't ever change who you are deep down inside.

Don't fall in love with someone that doesn't have any desire to love themselves.  
They will only hurt you and cause you heartache.  
Love them from a safe distance and wish them well.
If they have potential and want to learn, then teach them and set them free......
If they really want to change, they will do it, and come back to you.
You will reap the benefits of your generous nature, and you will both be happier.


Always enter into a relationship as a WHOLE PERSON.
2 halves making one may sound romantic, but it's just stupid.
Would you want to build your house on a frame made out of broken bricks?  Not me!


Build a relationship out of 2 WHOLE PEOPLE that aren't afraid to be individuals.
Trust is very important.
Someone that loves and respects you will always support you no matter what anyone else thinks.
Set the bar high and don't settle for less than what you truly want.

Be the best, most amazing parent that you could ever dream of having for yourself.  
Your children deserve it.
Love them enough to discipline them and teach them how to behave in public.
Manners and self-control are very important.
If it's not allowed at school or in a public social setting, then don't allow it at home!
People will love your children and like having you around.
If your kids are maniacs that yell, scream, and whine----
then trust me---
no one likes them and you should go home and stay there until you AND your kids can learn how to behave and respect the general public.


To my darling boys-----remember the golden rule.
Family is number one.
Love each other and always be kind, because in the end that's all that matters.
Family was here first, and family should be there til the end.

Brendan, Tristan, Mason, & Tanner-----
always remember how our home was never empty.
Share what you have with others in need....

Remember our prayer~
Thank-you God for giving us this beautiful day,
Thank-you for our health and for each other.
Thank-you for giving us Bennett-Chadlen.
 and thank-you for his family too.
We pray for everybody, everywhere, 
because everybody has their needs.
Please continue to give us strength and courage to face each day as it comes,
and allow us to always be grateful for every blessing that we have in our lives.  Amen.

Continue to make me proud, and know I'm always just a whisper away.
Speak my name into the wind and I'll be there.....always.......
I love you more than words can say.....

There are no good-byes......until we meet again
Baamaapii Gawaabmin


One last request~


Grow daisies in my memory, and remember me in every sunset......

Now raise  your glass.....and CHEERS!

Remembered Joy  

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free!
I follow the plan God laid for me.
I saw His face, I heard His call,
I took His hand and left it all...
I could not stay another day,
To love, to laugh, to work or play;
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
And if my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss...
Ah yes, these things I, too, shall miss.
My life's been full, I've savoured much:
Good times, good friends, a loved-one's touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief—
Don't shorten yours with undue grief.
Be not burdened with tears of sorrow,
Enjoy the sunshine of the morrow.


We receive so many messages in this life to be better, achieve more.....but I don't buy into it, and you shouldn't either.  You are perfect to me, just the way you are.
Here's to you all xxoo

~It's 2 am and I'm too tired to sleep.......

~So I know that doesn't make any sense at all, but it's my overworked mind that is exhausted, but restless.  I'm sure most of us can understand that concept?

It seems that there just aren't enough hours in the day for me anymore.  I have so much that I want to do, but yet my body says NOOOOO.  I've tried ignoring my body and pushed through with my goals, only to find out that was the very wrong thing to do in this condition.  It's so frustrating!!!

So here I am, trying to cram in some words that I want to stop from swirling around in my brain making me nauseous.

First of all----this heartburn can take a hike any time now!  I am pretty sure it's related to the bazillion meds I have to swallow each day.  I think I need to add an antacid to this......Ranitidine perhaps??  I took this before for some prescribed anti-inflammatories which ended up disagreeing with me in unmentionable ways!  It was horrible......but I didn't have heartburn---so I guess it worked??

Here's a refresher for those that may not have seen the previous post about my "condition":

 

Looking at these photos isn't making this indigestion go away any faster!!!

Speaking of said "condition", I am off to the mainland tomorrow for another Lung Function Test as the results of my screening test last week were unsatisfactory.  Since this might be related to the lupus, we need to be proactive in seeking answers.  I am remaining positive and hoping for the best!

I repeat to myself......I will heal.  I am healing.  I will be healthy.  I AM HEALTHY........I have a goal to live to be 100 YEARS OLD---AND I'M GONNA (beeping) DO IT TOO!

I am determined.......and I have to say that I've been fairly successful in maintaining this cheery outlook since I made it a priority to focus on ME for a change.

Now......the other issue.  I am disgusted.  I am sickened.  I am thoroughly and utterly appalled at the insensitivity and hideous reactions of someone I deeply admired.  I don't even know what to think anymore.  I feel so..............dare I repeat myself?......DISGUSTED.  I am more disgusted with this person than I have ever been with anyone else.

Why?  Because I honestly didn't ever think that he was capable of such gross and indecent behaviour.

I know I haven't been a barrel of monkeys fun to be around, but holy hell.........look at my life for F-sakes!!!  I have done the best I can, while maintaining a level head (for the most part) through the most horrific experience that any mother can live through.

Add D-I-V-O-R-C-E and financial issues up the wing-wang and you're looking at a disaster in the making.

But the FUN DOESN'T STOP THERE!

I made a serious, life-altering decision to share some comfort with someone and it resulted in an unplanned pregnancy.  Shocking.....but as soon as I caught my breath I accepted my plight for I brought this upon myself.  I won't even pretend this was an immaculate conception.

So, here I am.........legally separated, single-mom, 4 living sons, one stillborn son, 2 sick sons, financially ruined home-owner of the Money Pit from HELL----and alone and pregnant.  Let's not forget that I also had a very angry estranged husband that cut-off my vehicle insurance and refused to handover the ownership papers so I could insure it myself (nevermind that I had been paying the vehicle insurance myself for years----can you say "begruntled" much?---k, that's the nicest thing I can say about that!) so my wheels were literally rotting away into the paved driveway for 3 yrs.  How nice----NOT.  Borrowing wheels from my mother came with an endless slew of judgment, and I had to always explain why and where I was going.  It sucked the nastiest, sweatiest, stinkiest donkey balls you can imagine!

So anyway.....where was I again????  Oh yes...........we were talking about ME.  "Badluck Shleprock"

Now back to spewing my sarcasm............

My baby was prenatally diagnosed during my fifth month with Trisomy 13---"incompatible with life"...."failure to thrive"........bla bla bla.  I was alone, pregnant, and devastated beyond comprehension.....not to mention scared out of my freaking mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Skip ahead......weeks before Bennett's delivery my estranged husband has me served with papers because he has suddenly decided it would be PERFECT TIMING to drag me into court and try to take away my children.......thereby eliminating my ONLY source of income should he get his way.

Life suddenly got even worse than I could even imagine, but I had no time to think about that.  I had to GO!  It was time to move to Toronto and await the impending arrival of Nimkee.  The weeks were unbearable----like the ticking of a time bomb waiting to go off at any given second.  Was I going to deliver another stillborn son?  Will he survive delivery?  Will he die during delivery?  Will he die right away?  Will I get to hold him?  Will he require surgery?  Will I ever bring him home?????????????

Bennett-Chadlen was born on March 29th, 2 days overdue.  Sadly he passed away 8 days later and my world was turned upside-down again.

Who in their right mind even thinks that going through all of this was going to be easy for me???  How can anyone think that a loving, joyful relationship is going to develop and blossom during the darkest period of my life???????

I trusted this person with my heart and soul.  I shared my deepest love, I leaned hard......I trusted he'd keep his word to be here for me?  I mean really----how could anyone pull away from someone in need such as I was??

I never promised you a rose garden.......isn't that how the song goes???

I made it clear that my life was SHIT.  Pure and utter SHIT.  Let's not sugarcoat the truth.

Yes, I needed comfort and support.....but never did I ask for anything other than loyal friendship in return.  I didn't want money, or entertainment.  I didn't want diamonds or luxurious gifts.  I didn't ask for travel, or expensive dinners out----nothing of the sort!

Just sit with me.  Listen to me.  Hold me.  Care for me.  Laugh with me.

I loved in return.  I was grateful and thankful......and always made it known through my words of gratitude, my affection, my attentions.........I gave it all-----everything that money cannot buy.

Me.......emotionally destitute, nearly bankrupt-----literally shattered----but yet I had it in me to show love, and compassion......and I listened and gave comfort.

I took....but I GAVE just as much or more than I was given.

Where am I now????  Sitting here.......alone........and DISGUSTED.

K.....it's 3 am and I've said all I need to say for one night. Excuse the ramblings of an "allegedly" insane house-mom.  Whatever......Ask yourself.  Where would you be?  You can barely survive being loved and wanted.....let alone have to endure anything quite this emotionally devastating.  I know your story and it melted my heart and made me want to hold on tighter.  What's your excuse???

For what it's worth.......my heart hasn't stopped loving----despite how disgusted I am right now.  Try looking at MY LIFE and stop feeling so victimized, used, and wounded.  Nobody here has harmed you.  You tell me what is a lie in any of this?  Focus on the positive......and be proud of what I have survived and overcome.  Feel lucky.  Feel honoured.  That is how I feel about you.......it's all unconditional.......

Do not blame me because all you can comprehend is negativity.  If all you ever see is the negative and assume the worst in every situation-----then that's all you're ever going to feel.  You will always feel negative and irritable.....uncomfortable......fearful.

I have a right to react to the constant rejection and miscommunication......and don't act shocked.  You have treated me far worse for way less............and that's the honest truth.  Own your mistakes.  I haven't denied mine. 

My apologies are sincere.  My love is real.  My loyalty is unfaltering.  My forgiveness is never-ending.  I don't fear anything, or anyone----but I am choosing to move on with my life and not look back.  I deserve better than what I've allowed and accepted. 

I don't think I will ever understand how anyone can be so mean.  MEAN PEOPLE SUCK!

~What makes a FRIEND?~

~HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION---You have a friend whose company you really, really enjoy---but this friend has a bad habit of making plans and then cancelling out on you.


This friend also gets offended because you express your disappointment and hurt and want to set up boundaries regarding friendship.


So this friend doesn't like how you react to their extreme insensitivity and lack of trustworthy loyalty and tells you the reason they avoid seeing you is because you make that friend uncomfortable with your responses of how upset you get when this friend bails on you repeatedly.


Apparently it is YOUR FAULT THIS FRIENDSHIP ISN'T WORKING OUT BECAUSE OF YOUR REACTION TO THE CONSTANT REJECTION.  Apparently this hurt and upset that you express makes your friend uncomfortable and want to avoid you even more.

It's like a vicious cycle.

FRIEND:  "I hurt you----you get angry and hurt----you tell me how you feel----I get uncomfortable and want to avoid you because I don't want to hear you tell me how upset you were to my face.  I'll stay away for a few weeks and let you cool down, then I'll come see you again once you see it MY way and let ME DO WHATEVER I PLEASE because my life is about ME and has nothing to do with YOU and YOUR CRAPPY FEELINGS.  Don't make me feel bad because I hurt you with my selfishness.  I am fully entitled not to see  you when I don't want to."


ME:  "True enough.....but guess what?  I am fully entitled to be hurt and disappointed and it is within MY RIGHTS to end a friendship like this because I don't see any mutual respect or compassion.  I would never treat my friends like this and I don't want a person like you in my life."


FRIEND:  "See, this is why I didn't want to see you.  You always react like this and it makes me want to stay away even more."


ME:  "Oh, I'm sorry I am hurt because you rejected me......(you @#$%^&&*%$^%#---translation?  fucking selfish, heartless bastard)  Explain to me again why I should be your friend?????  Why should I be okay that you do this to me over and over again????  Please, make me understand how this is MY fault??  Oh no.....don't even twist this around on me.  I didn't reject you.  I didn't treat you like an option while you make me a priority.  Yes I am angry and hurt.  You're not???  Well----I guess it's obvious then.  You don't care about me because I am irrationally upset with the constant push and pull.  I'M SORRY.....I'LL JUST SIT HERE SILENTLY AND SMILE LIKE IT DOESN'T RIP MY F-ING HEART OUT."

Now say you avoided this friend for months and months because of this issue, only to decide to give that friend another chance---and you made it perfectly clear how disappointed, hurt, and rejected you feel about it happening.


You tell this friend that you hope this isn't going to be a repeat of history because you don't want bullshit and upset feelings in your life.


So this friend asks you to hang out one day next week---then emails you and says "I ran into ____ & we're going to hang out instead".

WHAT WOULD YOUR IMMEDIATE REACTION BE TO READING THAT MESSAGE???


What would you FEEL?


What would you SAY?


What would you DO?


I really want an answer to this because this "friend" doesn't seem to understand that this is disrespectful and hurtful. You are accused of being too sensitive and controlling because you don't want to sit at home waiting like a faithful little puppy.


Am I wrong to be upset????????

I can't see this going anywhere.  I don't see how I will ever receive what I deserve or want out of this, and I know that I can't allow this to continue.

How do you open someone's eyes when they don't really want to see?

I feel like I have no choice but to add one more ex-friend to the scratch list of toxic people that I don't deserve to have in my life..............

How am I supposed to be okay when it just hurts this much over and over again?????????????

If someone doesn't care about losing me as a friend, why should I keep the door of communication open?

I consider myself to be a great friend.  I love my friends with all my heart.  I listen, and do anything they need me to do.  I reach out when I know they are feeling a little lonely or lost.  I send virtual hugs when I can't be there in person.  I make time to provide comfort and support when it is needed the most.

I feel that I deserve the same in return.

Love me, respect me, treat me like a priority.  Make my joy a desire of yours--as I only want to give joy in return.

Life is too short to be unhappy.  Don't waste time with people that don't truly care about your inner-peace, and joy.  Make me smile and I'll be your friend forever.

Make me cry and I'll make you a memory.

~Fear vs Love........which feeling will you choose?~

~I bought a new book this weekend.  It was 25% OFF and I couldn't bypass it as it's a program that up until now I had been following online.

The book is entitled "The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse--A Breakthrough Program for Connecting with Your Soul's Deepest Purpose".

The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse is a detox diet for the soul. When you take the time to cleanse your physical body of accumulated stress and toxicity, you are rewarded with increased vitality and optimal health. In the same way, the consciousness cleanse is designed to purify your mind and emotions, bringing you enormous amounts of strength, confidence and deep inner peace. The cleanse is designed to clear away the difficulties of your past—your struggles, stress, hurts and resentments—which may cloud your perception and prevent you from reaching your heart-filled goals.

The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse is a practical program that promises to alter the quality and direction of your life and support you in not only obtaining your goals for the new year, but, more importantly, creating a new loving and nurturing relationship with yourself and with the power that sources you. This program will enable you to take back your power from the outer world, turn inward and reconnect with your inner guide and your highest self. Instead of being guided this year by your head and what you think you should do, you will be inspired and directed by your heart's deepest desires.

~Another book that I'm making my way through is called "WHAT HAPPY PEOPLE KNOW".

Research has shown that the root of unhappiness--fear--lies in the oldest, reptilian part of our brains, and negative reactions are often dictated by primal instincts. We're literally "hardwired for hard times."

First, you'll learn the only two issues that ever cause unhappiness and devise your plan to overcome both of them. Then, Dr. Baker teaches you how to spot the happiness traps, the five doomed ways we try to make ourselves happy, only to dig ourselves further into misery. Finally, he shares his happiness tools, the six simple skills that, when practiced consistently, will inevitably lead to greater optimism, courage, good humor, and fulfillment--in short, to happiness.

 My goal is to understand the things in life that often set us back from achieving our ultimate potential.  There are so many negative factors which affect many of us in unsettling ways and stagnate our ability to move forward with courage and fearlessness.

Let's face it, modern day living is difficult and confusing a lot of the time.  I don't begin to pretend that I have all of the answers, but I will do my best to figure it all out and will share what I have learned with others so that all of you may also learn and grow spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically stronger.

If any of you have already read these books, or plan to---please feel free to share your experiences as you feel moved to.

The most important thing that I have learned thus far is that fear and love cannot co-exist at the same moment in time.  The brain cannot process both of these emotions simultaneously.

You have a decision to make.  You either focus on the fear that binds you, or you make a conscious effort to bypass that and experience joy and inner-peace.

Fear vs Love........which feeling will you choose?

~The Heartbreak Blues~

 ~It's been a very trying week.  I don't know what to say or do, or how to accurately describe how I feel right now.

Where do I begin?  I guess the best place would be to use the one word that says it best.  LOVE.

Love is responsible for all of this.

I am guilty of loving too much.  I have wanted too much.  I have needed too much.  I held on too much.  I feared too much.  I hurt too much.

I can't speak for someone else and this post is only about me, so I can only write about my intentions, thoughts, and deeds.

I've been through a lot in the last several years, which started with my ex-husband's brain injury, but the culmination was the loss of Bennett.

When I watched his tiny body go into that little wee casket, I swear my heart stopped for a moment.  I didn't want to see the lid closing, knowing I would never see his beautiful, little face ever again......but yet I couldn't tear my eyes away.  I didn't want to miss my final moments with his physical presence before me.

I held him while he passed away, and watched his siblings grieve. 

I clipped some of his hair, and made gold embossed feet imprints for keepsakes. 

I rubbed his delicate tissues with Nivea cream and prepared him for the cold storage in the morgue.  I attached his identifying name tag, then wrapped and tied him up with a bow.  I placed his 8-day old body into the body-bag myself, kissed his tiny face one more time, then zipped it shut and waited for the security guards to come and take him away.

At the funeral home I removed him from the bag and unwrapped him in preparation for his final bath and dressing.  The tears flowed and it was difficult to breathe.  My sister, mother, and father were in attendance. 
His naming ceremony is chronicled here:  http://my-baby-is-an-angel.blogspot.com/p/meaning-of-nimkee.html 

I got into my father's car and held Bennett on my lap.  We took a drive by my home to show him where his family lives.  I took him home to my father's, which was my family homestead for generations.  His body laid in wake for 3 days and we laid him to rest at sunset, on April 10th.

Kissing him and holding him one last time was excruciating.  Placing him into the casket was indescribable.  The closing of the lid was like a dagger in my heart.  The drive to the cemetary is a blur in my mind.

Can you even imagine what it was like to watch his tiny casket being lowered into the ground and have daisies and dirt thrown on top of him?  I couldn't watch.  I felt rage amongst the tears.

~My baby is in here.  Visits to the cemetary are very difficult.

I spent the next few months grieving alone.  Each day was a struggle.  Each breath forced.  I had no appetite, and sleep was my only reprieve.

One day I received a notification that someone from my past had reached out to me.  I graciously accepted it and from that day forward everything changed.

He made himself available to me to lean on in my grief.  He made the breathing easier, and the genuine joy and smiles returned, even though I had thought it impossible.

I've made mistakes during this intense period of grieving.  Not only was my heart broken beyond belief, but I was caught up in a support & custody battle for my boys, division of assets so we'd have a home to live in, and outside interference from people that don't know me.

While I thought that I was being understood and respected, I have found out how wrong I was.

There has been very little compassion and acceptance, next to no trust.......and false empathy.

If any of the love was real, then it wouldn't even be possible for this person to hurt me like this.  Loving relationships and friendships don't end with anger and heated animosity because they have been loved too much.

I don't begrudge his decision to leave me.  I came to terms with that years ago, the day he moved out on his own.  The contact since that day has been sketchy at best, but it was enough to get me through the darkest days of sorrow.

I loved too much......trusted too much......needed and wanted too much.  All in all, I have been very grateful and open about my feelings, wants, and needs.  He can't reciprocate the love or understand what I need and why I am the way I am.

He has no patience left for me.  No caring.  No concern for my feelings.  No kind words or apologies.  Nothing.  Just requests for the return of items, public attempts at humiliation, police threats if I try to see him face to face to talk, and nasty emails.  He claims he is happy with all of this, even though his actions speak otherwise.  I definitely am not one bit happy with any of this.

Why can't he understand and feel compassion?  Just give me loyal friendship and trust I don't have evil or selfish motives.  Why is it impossible to maintain friendship?  I don't understand the hard feelings because I don't possess that within me.

If you don't want to be with someone anymore, why not just walk away peacefully and keep it all private?

The biggest question in my mind is WHY?  Why is it easy to be mean to me?  What did I do to deserve this?

How can anyone expect me to go through all of this and not need and want someone for comfort?

I don't deserve any of this.  I did nothing wrong.  I have been fair, loving, and loyal.  I've been appreciative and publicly showed my devotion and gratitude in photo albums on facebook.

Now I'm on my own again.......struggling and requesting patience and understanding, compassion and peace from those around me.

My heart is battered and bruised.....mangled beyond recognition.  I am hurting and feeling very alone.

Perhaps the saddest revelation of all is that I feel safest alone in my heartache.  Trusting and loving people has only resulted in further losses and emotional scars.  Relying on others has been impossible.

I don't know how to get through this, but I know that I will-----one day at a time.

Somebody help me.......I've got the heartbreak blues...........

~Winter 21-Day Meditation Challenge~

~As I begin another year in my quest for spiritual growth and enlightenment, I have committed myself to fitting meditation into my daily routine.  I need to find solace in any way possible, and what better way than to just sit idle----silent----focus on your breathing and BE PRESENT IN THE MOMENT?

The last several years have been so unbelievably painful and alternately mind-numbing.  I have developed the ability to hurt as much as I can possibly endure, and then the numbness kicks in so I can breathe again and lull myself back into a sense of security---an escape hatch.

I read that it takes 21-DAYS to create a routine that becomes almost 'reflex-like'.  The thoughts and patterns become an instinct which automatically kicks in when you require that assistance from your psyche.

If you are at a cross-roads, struggling to figure out what to do next, where to go, or just find yourself consumed with the age-old question of WHY?.....then give these meditations a shot.

What do you have to lose?

http://www.chopracentermeditation.com/winterday1/

http://www.chopracentermeditation.com/winterday2/

~If you have 10-15 minutes a day to invest in yourself, these meditations are very worth it.  As I make my way through these days, I will add new links so you too can follow along.

~**~NAMASTE~**~ Love, Peace, & Nimkee-Blessings to you all ~**~

~ I'm a SPACE INVADER & proud of it ~

~I LOVE HUGS!  Lots and lots of hugs!  I love hugs so darn much that I have a photobucket album entirely devoted to HUGS!

When I meet you, I will shake your hand and smile.  If we have a great talk involving the sharing of personal information sprinkled with mutual compassion and empathy, then I'll probably hug you when we part ways and hope to see you again soon.

The next time I see you, I will probably greet you with a hug!  Hugs are awesome, and are generally followed with good karma and contentment.

Hugs are universal.  You can find huggers everywhere in the world!  If you come to Manitoulin Island and meet me----be ready----I WILL HUG YOU!

I hug my boys spontaneously at any given time throughout the day.

I will hug them when they leave for school.  I will hug them when they get home from school.  I will hug them as they pass by me in the kitchen, hallway, anywhere!  I hug them when they go to bed.

I love hugs in the sunshine.  

I love hugs under a tree.  

I love hugs in the rain, snow, and sleet!  

I just really LOVE HUGS!

If I like you, and you've been nice to me, I will hug you when I see you.  Even if we're in a very public place.  I don't care what anyone thinks when they witness public displays of affection.  I really don't.  I WILL HUG YOU ANYWAY!

Hugs are comforting.  They feel good when you're feeling down.  It's nice to receive a hug from someone that cares enough to notice that you appear to need one----or two---or three!

If you're a dog......I will hug you.  If you're a bird and you need some help, I will hug you gently in my hands and return you to safety and hope you grow up big and strong so you can help and HUG your own babies!

FREE HUGS make the WORLD GO ROUND!

If you're not a morning person, and I see you in the morning.....I will hug you.  I will hug you before you even get your first cup of coffee.  I will hug you after you get your coffee.  Then I'll hug you again just because I love hugs!  Have a great day!

 

I love my son Brendan.  
I love him so much, that sometimes I will hug him for no reason.
Spontaneous hugs because he is awesome.
Especially on his birthday!
FREE BIRTHDAY HUGS!!!
Is there anything better than birthday hugs???

http://www.freehugscampaign.org/

~HUGS......THEY'RE IN YOU TO GIVE!

~I love HUGS so much that I include them in every email embedded in my signature!

http://as-the-bridge-swings.blogspot.com

Project Leader for Nimkee Blessings,
http://nimkee-blessings.blogspot.com/p/labelledamecomjewelry-to-nurture-and.html
 
Love, Peace, & Nimkee Blessings,
Melissa:
~proud mum to:
^Angel^Bennett-Chadlen~March 29-April 6, 2007 & ^Angel^Noah-Alexander~Aug.6/99, & 4 other awesome sons~Brendan, Tristan, Mason, & Tanner

http://my-baby-is-an-angel.blogspot.com/

http://nimkee-blessings.blogspot.com/

http://livingwithtrisomy13.org/MemoriesofBennett.htm

Contact Me

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~Waiting For Nimkee~

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

~In my quest to fulfill my healing journey, I can't help but be drawn towards memories of life-altering events which had to be put-on-hold as I addressed the far more pressing matters which forced their way into my path and required my unbidden attentions.

During my 5th month of pregnancy with Bennett-Chadlen I received the heartbreaking prenatal diagnosis of Trisomy 13. As I struggled with the implications of what this could mean, I did my best to prepare for an unknown future with my darling, unborn son.

These photos depict our prenatal journey from beginning to end. I share with you such a rare glimpse into the world of the unknown that I, and too many others, have chosen to experience.

How do you prepare to say Goodbye before you've even had a chance to say Hello?

**photos courtesy of Heather Morgan of Lifespark Photography.

~Solace~

~What does it mean?  Wikipedia describes it as such:     
Solace, from Old French solas, from Latin sōlācium "consolation", meaning comfort or consolation in a time of distress.

~How do you seek solace?

For me, I find that self-induced solitary confinement works best.  I sit and meditate, considering all of the thoughts and feelings that swirl around in my head, listening to that inner-voice that speaks wisdom if we're willing to sit still and quiet enough to hear it.

I sometimes go for long walks and just listen to the sounds of nature, and breath in the fresh air along the shoreline.  I often stop to sit a while on a rock and listen to the waves lapping gently against the pebbles, and feel the warm winds of time softly caressing my cheek, reminding me we're all just individual vessels making our way through this cruel world, one footstep at a time.

At times I love to trek through wooded paths, and smell the pine and mosses, cedar and wildflowers......and listen to the sounds of nature going about life in their own domain.  Every now and again they will let out a little chirp or squeal to let you know you've gotten too close, or to warn others of  your pending arrival.

 

 

  

 

My favourite view is from the top of a mountain, overlooking the vast miles of water and rocks, trees, and clouds....feeling the sunshine on my face and feeling at one with the universe surrounding me.

Is there anything more glorious than sitting around a campfire at night, listening to the crackling coals while  the heat from the flames warm your skin?  The sound of crickets and loons serenade you as you bask in the golden glow, mesmerized by the dancing flames before you.

Sitting on the shore in the early morning hours, watching the dawning of a new day, can be so cathartic.

I feel very blessed to live in this place, I often refer to as a little slice of Heaven Here On Earth.

My inner-voice reminds me that there's so much life out there, and not to be afraid to endure all the challenges and joy that comes with it.  There's a world of endless opportunities before us......Carpe Diem ~ Seize the Day!

I look forward to a lifetime of tomorrows with anticipation, and will always take time out to pick the daisies.........