~What makes a FRIEND?~

~HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION---You have a friend whose company you really, really enjoy---but this friend has a bad habit of making plans and then cancelling out on you.


This friend also gets offended because you express your disappointment and hurt and want to set up boundaries regarding friendship.


So this friend doesn't like how you react to their extreme insensitivity and lack of trustworthy loyalty and tells you the reason they avoid seeing you is because you make that friend uncomfortable with your responses of how upset you get when this friend bails on you repeatedly.


Apparently it is YOUR FAULT THIS FRIENDSHIP ISN'T WORKING OUT BECAUSE OF YOUR REACTION TO THE CONSTANT REJECTION.  Apparently this hurt and upset that you express makes your friend uncomfortable and want to avoid you even more.

It's like a vicious cycle.

FRIEND:  "I hurt you----you get angry and hurt----you tell me how you feel----I get uncomfortable and want to avoid you because I don't want to hear you tell me how upset you were to my face.  I'll stay away for a few weeks and let you cool down, then I'll come see you again once you see it MY way and let ME DO WHATEVER I PLEASE because my life is about ME and has nothing to do with YOU and YOUR CRAPPY FEELINGS.  Don't make me feel bad because I hurt you with my selfishness.  I am fully entitled not to see  you when I don't want to."


ME:  "True enough.....but guess what?  I am fully entitled to be hurt and disappointed and it is within MY RIGHTS to end a friendship like this because I don't see any mutual respect or compassion.  I would never treat my friends like this and I don't want a person like you in my life."


FRIEND:  "See, this is why I didn't want to see you.  You always react like this and it makes me want to stay away even more."


ME:  "Oh, I'm sorry I am hurt because you rejected me......(you @#$%^&&*%$^%#---translation?  fucking selfish, heartless bastard)  Explain to me again why I should be your friend?????  Why should I be okay that you do this to me over and over again????  Please, make me understand how this is MY fault??  Oh no.....don't even twist this around on me.  I didn't reject you.  I didn't treat you like an option while you make me a priority.  Yes I am angry and hurt.  You're not???  Well----I guess it's obvious then.  You don't care about me because I am irrationally upset with the constant push and pull.  I'M SORRY.....I'LL JUST SIT HERE SILENTLY AND SMILE LIKE IT DOESN'T RIP MY F-ING HEART OUT."

Now say you avoided this friend for months and months because of this issue, only to decide to give that friend another chance---and you made it perfectly clear how disappointed, hurt, and rejected you feel about it happening.


You tell this friend that you hope this isn't going to be a repeat of history because you don't want bullshit and upset feelings in your life.


So this friend asks you to hang out one day next week---then emails you and says "I ran into ____ & we're going to hang out instead".

WHAT WOULD YOUR IMMEDIATE REACTION BE TO READING THAT MESSAGE???


What would you FEEL?


What would you SAY?


What would you DO?


I really want an answer to this because this "friend" doesn't seem to understand that this is disrespectful and hurtful. You are accused of being too sensitive and controlling because you don't want to sit at home waiting like a faithful little puppy.


Am I wrong to be upset????????

I can't see this going anywhere.  I don't see how I will ever receive what I deserve or want out of this, and I know that I can't allow this to continue.

How do you open someone's eyes when they don't really want to see?

I feel like I have no choice but to add one more ex-friend to the scratch list of toxic people that I don't deserve to have in my life..............

How am I supposed to be okay when it just hurts this much over and over again?????????????

If someone doesn't care about losing me as a friend, why should I keep the door of communication open?

I consider myself to be a great friend.  I love my friends with all my heart.  I listen, and do anything they need me to do.  I reach out when I know they are feeling a little lonely or lost.  I send virtual hugs when I can't be there in person.  I make time to provide comfort and support when it is needed the most.

I feel that I deserve the same in return.

Love me, respect me, treat me like a priority.  Make my joy a desire of yours--as I only want to give joy in return.

Life is too short to be unhappy.  Don't waste time with people that don't truly care about your inner-peace, and joy.  Make me smile and I'll be your friend forever.

Make me cry and I'll make you a memory.

Living with LUPUS ~ One Day at a Time

~A couple of years ago I began having symptoms of extreme fatigue and a bad case of the BLAH's.  I would wake up each morning experiencing flu-like symptoms---aches, pains, headaches, etc., but it never really developed beyond the early 'warnings' that sickness was evident.

After weeks and months of experiencing these symptoms I decided that I should probably see my doctor and ask for a thyroid test as I was wondering if it may be related?

I wasn't concerned so much about the aches and pains as I'd been living with that for many years and chalked it up to residual effects from a bad fall I had taken on ice several years ago.  I had a slight fracture in my pelvis, broke 4 inches of my tailbone right off, and had crunched my spine like an accordion.  I'd been to the ER, did my 6 week stint of laying as motionless as possible on the living room floor, and followed up with chiropractic care and physio therapy for a few years.  Nothing seemed to help it, so I decided to just accept it and go on.

At the doctor's appointment I decided to only reveal the flu-like symptoms and didn't mention the severe joint pain which is worst in my spine, neck, hips, shoulders, and knees.  I was afraid the doc would prescribe more physiotherapy and weight-lifting exercises which often just made my pains worse.

We discussed some tests for thyroid issues and she wrote out a requisition for blood testing.  Right before I left I enquired about some other treatment options for my psoriasis besides the steroid lotion I have been using for about 16 yrs.

She mentioned Enbrel and told me to go home and check it out online.  Once at their website I saw a link for the National Psoriasis Foundation.  As I read the page I found out that joint pain along with the skin lesions,  is indicative of Psoriatic Arthritis.  I had many of the symptoms, including the nail pitting and joint inflammation, so I made a phone call the next day and confessed my other ailments.  She ordered further blood tests which led to me being referred to see a Rhumatologist.

And so the fun began.  Yes, you do sense some sarcasm here!

More and more blood tests.  Poking and prodding......x-rays and bone scans.....meds and more meds.

I am currently being treated for:

Fibromyalgia - "Fibromyalgia is a common syndrome in which people experience long-term, body-wide pain and tender points in joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues.

Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, sleep problems, headaches, depression, anxiety, and other symptoms.  

The primary symptom of fibromyalgia is pain.

• The exact locations of the pain are called tender points. Tender points are found in the soft tissue on the back of the neck, shoulders, sternum, lower back, hips, shins, elbows, and knees. The pain then spreads out from these areas.
• The pain is described as deep-aching, radiating, gnawing, shooting or burning, and ranges from mild to severe.
• The joints are not affected, although the pain may feel like it is coming from the joints.
• People with fibromyalgia tend to wake up with body aches and stiffness. For some patients, pain improves during the day and increases again during the evening, though many patients have day-long, non-stop pain.
• Pain can increase with activity, cold or damp weather, anxiety, and stress.

Fatigue and problems with sleep are seen in almost all patients with fibromyalgia. Many complain that they can't get to sleep or stay asleep, and they feel tired when they wake up.

Other symptoms may include:

• Irritable bowel syndrome with gas, and alternating diarrhea and constipation
• Memory difficulties and problems thinking clearly
• Numbness and tingling in hands and feet
• Palpitations
• Reduced exercise tolerance
• Sad or depressed mood
• Tension or migraine headaches"

Psoriatic Arthritis - "The arthritis may be mild and involve only a few joints, particularly those at the end of the fingers or toes. In some people the disease may be severe and affect many joints, including the spine. When the spine is affected, the symptoms are stiffness, burning, and pain, most often in the lower spine and sacrum.

     People who also have arthritis usually have the skin and nail changes of psoriasis. Often, the skin gets worse at the same time as the arthritis."

    

Ankylosing Spondylitis - "Ankylosing spondylitis is a long-term disease that causes inflammation of the joints between the spinal bones, and the joints between the spine and pelvis. It eventually causes the affected spinal bones to join together.  

The disease starts with low back pain that comes and goes.

• Pain and stiffness are worse at night, in the morning, or when you are not active. It may wake you from your sleep.
• The pain typically gets better with activity or exercise.
• Back pain may begin in the sacroiliac joints (between the pelvis and the spine). Over time, it may involve all or part of the spine.

You may lose motion or mobility in the lower spine. You may not be able to fully expand your chest because the joints between the ribs are involved.

Fatigue is also a common symptom. "

and Systemic Lupus Erythematosus - "Systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) is a chronic autoimmune disorder. SLE may affect the skin, joints, kidneys, and other organs.  

SLE (lupus) is an autoimmune disease. This means there is a problem with the body's normal immune system response.

Normally, the immune system helps protect the body from harmful substances. But in patients with an autoimmune disease, the immune system cannot tell the difference between harmful substances and healthy ones. The result is an overactive immune response that attacks otherwise healthy cells and tissue. This leads to long-term (chronic) inflammation.

The underlying cause of autoimmune diseases is not fully known.

SLE may be mild or severe enough to cause death."

~Methotrexate is a chemo-therapy drug, which is used to suppress my immune system to prevent it from attacking healthy cells causing serious health issues, and tissue/joint damage.

~Once a week I inject myself in the abdomen with this cyto-toxic chemotherapy drug.

~These oral meds are ingested daily to assist with my physical well-being.  The injections are done once per week.  Tomorrow I will be adding Cymbalta to this daily treatment in hopes it will assist with pain relief.

I've been experiencing shortness of breath and lung pain which can be a sign of problems with lupus.  My chest x-rays came back normal, but I'll be having a Lung Function Test tomorrow to see what's going on.

I have a requisition to have a Bone Density Scan performed to see if I may have osteoporosis as I've had many broken bones all over my body.  Tests have also revealed a Vitamin D deficiency in my system, so I must take 3,000mg daily to assist with my body's ability to absorb Calcium and strengthen my bones and prevent further bone loss.

I've tried less invasive treatments but my body didn't respond well to Voltaren or to the Plaquenil.  After 16 weeks on the plaquenil, I developed intense itching which felt like I had fire-ants eating their way out of me from the inside of my body.  It was horrible!  It turns out I am allergic to it and it was affecting my liver, which caused the toxins to build up in my blood system, creating this intense itching which nearly drove me mad.  All I could do is slap the surface of my skin to alleviate some of the symptoms.

Last summer I broke out in a painful, itchy rash and tiny fluid-filled blisters which could be a symptom of a Lupus flare, or it could be related to a sun-sensitivity from the METHOTREXATE INJECTIONS.  This has changed the way I can enjoy the outdoors in the summer months and has put a serious halt on the amount of gardening that I can do.  I will be having some regular blood testing to see if the lupus factor in my blood is increasing, and make sure that my liver and other organs are functioning properly and effectively.

Last week I began taking LEFLUNOMIDE tablets as well, 10mg daily.  It is also an immuno-suppressant medication to treat the lupus and psoriatic arthritis symptoms and help to control the flares.

I don't allow my mind to stress over this diagnosis.  Worrying doesn't fix anything and the stress can just add to the problems.  I prefer to just remain as positive as possible and make the most of each day.  Treatment is available and at this point I am open to exploring all viable options.  I have to admit that up until quite recently I have been in denial and didn't want to inform myself with all of the necessary details.

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, please don't hesitate to see a physician and have some testing performed.  An early diagnosis is best.  I have suffered for at least a dozen years with all of these symptoms before being diagnosed.  Check out the various links that I have embedded throughout this post and see a Rhumatologist for all of your joint and tissue pains.  

Don't delay.  Be safe and healthy.

~Winter 21-Day Meditation Challenge~

~As I begin another year in my quest for spiritual growth and enlightenment, I have committed myself to fitting meditation into my daily routine.  I need to find solace in any way possible, and what better way than to just sit idle----silent----focus on your breathing and BE PRESENT IN THE MOMENT?

The last several years have been so unbelievably painful and alternately mind-numbing.  I have developed the ability to hurt as much as I can possibly endure, and then the numbness kicks in so I can breathe again and lull myself back into a sense of security---an escape hatch.

I read that it takes 21-DAYS to create a routine that becomes almost 'reflex-like'.  The thoughts and patterns become an instinct which automatically kicks in when you require that assistance from your psyche.

If you are at a cross-roads, struggling to figure out what to do next, where to go, or just find yourself consumed with the age-old question of WHY?.....then give these meditations a shot.

What do you have to lose?

http://www.chopracentermeditation.com/winterday1/

http://www.chopracentermeditation.com/winterday2/

~If you have 10-15 minutes a day to invest in yourself, these meditations are very worth it.  As I make my way through these days, I will add new links so you too can follow along.

~**~NAMASTE~**~ Love, Peace, & Nimkee-Blessings to you all ~**~

~The Ultimate Betrayal~

~ The easiest way to find out who your true friends are ~ is to need one ~ I highly recommend that you brace yourself, for you just may find out that the one person you trusted the most won't be there ~

I remember when I found out that I was expecting Bennett-Chadlen.  The first phone call I made was to my "best friend".  I shared all my fears and my inner-most thoughts.  I shed tears.  I thanked her for listening.

Skip ahead a few months.  I found out that Bennett-Chadlen might have a chromosomal abnormality.  I phoned her numerous times and left more messages than I could keep track of.  I sent emails.  I heard nothing in response.

I got the results and kept calling with URGENT information to please call me immediately......this is an emergency involving life and death here!!  Still......no reply.

3 weeks later.......I called to wish her a Happy Birthday.  That's what good friends do, right?  We aren't supposed to ignore these important dates!  Again......I left another message and hung up the phone with a very downtrodden spirit.

When I finally did get through to her I couldn't believe what she said to me after I asked these questions:

• WHERE have you been?  Is everything okay?  Is there anything I can do for you?

  After listening to her discuss her husband and boyfriend problems (YES, you read that correctly) I then shared my very heartbreaking news with her.  Her response was not what I anticipated that it might be.  Seriously----I waited weeks for this crummy response.

  "I'm sorry that MY life doesn't concern Life or Death matters, but it's still very serious to me".  

  (Gee, I feel so sorry for you that your husband doesn't embrace your boyfriend as another member of your family)  

  "Call me when this all blows over and we'll go dancing".

  OUCH.  WTF?  Who says shit like this to someone, especially after 20 yrs of a very good friendship?

  Hindsight being what it is, I realize now that our friendship sustained itself for 2 decades because I never did have any reason to lean on her and request some comfort and support.  It was always about HER, and what I could DO FOR her.

  Needless to say, we haven't spoken since.....as I abruptly ended that conversation with a few choice words and the slamming down of the phone.  I did cry though, and I felt completely alone and helpless.

  I'm on the 4 year stretch of Nimkee's anniversaries........and luckily for me, I probably have at least a dozen more reasons to dance than she ever will.

  Rejection sucks.

~BREAKING THE BARRIERS~

~Infant Loss----just another 'catch phrase' perhaps?  It's easy to allow our eyes to quickly flit over the words and try not to give it another thought, for to acknowledge such a thing often conjures up images, thoughts, and feelings we'd rather not consider.

Inevitably upon meeting and getting to know others, the question of 'children' comes up?

"Do you have any children?  How many?"

{Hmm......how do I answer this one?  What do I say?  How honest should I be?  Will this person be able to handle the truth?  What might they say when I utter the words}:

"I am the proud Mother of 6 boys.  4 are still living, BUT sadly---2 of them died."

What happens next is interesting.  Quite often the response goes something like this:

.......'wow, 6 boys.  You must be a very busy Mama'.

{Uhm, excuse me......did you not hear me say "2 of them died"?  or are we going to pretend I didn't just say that?}

It's moments like this that often strikes a chord with us 'Angel Mommies' and causes many us to feel some guilt over having uttered those dreadful words that may make you squirm in discomfort.  It can often lead to this internal dialogue that skips  through our minds as we make a mental note not to mention it again in case I once again face someone that can't handle the truth, or ask themselves: 

"why would she tell me that?  Doesn't she know we don't talk about stuff like this?"

I have created a charity inspired by the Loving Memory of my own 'Angel Babies'.  I named my project after Bennett-Chadlen because he spent time in the NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit) following his birth, where he spent 8 days before he passed away in my arms.  This charity specifically deals with providing comfort and support items to other families with babies in the NICU at Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto, Ontario, Canada where he spent his entire 8 day life.

I am currently in the process of coming up with some creative ideas to spread Infant Loss Awareness, as well as hoping to inspire others to think about families like mine that have newborns fighting for their lives in NICU's around the world.  

It's not easy to put myself  'out there' and trust that others will take notice, or even care enough to donate or help out.  

I've read stories of others like myself that want to make a difference and quite often we have similar stories of experience.  Sometimes people just don't show any interest.  

It can be debilitating, and certainly soul-crushing when you share such intimate details of your life with the general public and receive very little feedback or offers of kind words, donations, or even enquire what we're up to and why?  It certainly isn't encouraging!

Why do we do this?  Why do we share our experiences, and reach out to help others??

I can certainly say without a shadow of a doubt that most of us just have this insatiable desire to help others like ourselves feel less alone in their trials and healing journeys.  We share a common-bond with these families and we wear the internal, emotional scars which we often hide so effectively so as not to discomfort others around us.  

If I can reach out and touch the lives of just one family out there, and help ease their burdens and let them know they're not alone.....then it eases my own heartache.

I know how difficult it is to share our babies with a society that isn't quite ready to "know" about Infant Loss yet.  

It is difficult to be courageous and brave, or worse yet---show vulnerability.

There is something  about birth defects and fetal anomolies that send some people into denial mode, and/or question our sanity for even giving birth to these babies at all since some of us knew prenatally what their plight in life might be.  

We just need you all to understand and respect that we love and want our babies with every fibre of our being.

With the assistance and generous donation of items, time and talent from my eldest son, his musically talented  comrades, local businesses, a local park, food vendor, volunteer bakers, a magician, the local newspaper and their writers/photographers, my friends and a handful of family members, I was able to make my 'dream' a reality!  We can't forget those of you that came out to be entertained, and so graciously donated your $ to such a worthy cause.

~Introducing Bennett opened our Benefit Concert~

So---as I sit here tonight with thoughts of WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, & HOW swirling around in this vast chamber I call my imagination---I can't help but wonder how to promote my fund-raising agenda yet once again.

While I meditate on this, images of Nimkee pop up into my head.  I can see his sweet little face, fingers and toes.  I can remember his fresh newborn baby fragrance.  I remember how good it felt to meet him and gaze into his eyes that very first time.....and how it felt to finally hold him in my arms.

While some may call me crazy for even continuing my pregnancy after his prenatal diagnosis, I have to just put those thoughts out of my mind and move forward with my goal.........

~ I hope that one day the world will be ready for us ~