~ATTACHMENT vs APPRECIATION & GRATITUDE~

There is a difference between feeling gratitude and appreciation for something, and feeling attachment to something.  Appreciation and gratitude are states of pure love, while attachment contains fear – fear of losing or not having what you are attached to.  When it comes to something you want in your life, appreciation and gratitude attract, and attachment pushes away.  If you are feeling afraid that you will not get what you want, or losing what you have, then you have attachment.  To remove the attachment, keep shifting yourself into a state of appreciation and gratitude, until you can feel that the fear is gone. ~ The Secret

If I'm completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I have always struggled with this issue.  I have zero doubt that I suffer from Attachment & Fear.  I am always afraid of losing the people that I love, or not being loved in return.  It has been stifling and paralyzing to live this way.

I find myself 'stuck' within the guarded walls that I have built up around my fragile and delicate heart.

I am a person of great passion and feel emotions intensely.

While this is great when I'm happy and feeling 'in love'---on those rare occasions when someone has managed to get me to let down my guard and allow them inside my soul's fortress---it is completely devastating and crippling when the seemingly inevitable occurs, and I find myself alone once again.

I can't help but ask myself 'why' does this happen?  Because it is a recurring theme, I must take responsibility for my participation in this outcome.  It always leads me back to one thing.  Fear.

Fear can drive me to do one of two things.  Fight or Flight.

Let's face it.  Anyone that knows me well, knows that I'm a fighter.  I don't back down easily, especially if it's something that I truly believe in.  I don't do things halfway.  It's all or nothing.

I am not afraid of taking certain risks, as long as my own heart isn't involved.

Oh, I can be stubborn and hold back as long as possible.  I hesitate, and examine my surroundings before partaking of the path ahead.  Once I decide to take a step in that direction, nothing can stop me from pursuing my heart's desire.

Admittedly, my choices are often poor, impulsive at times, but always enjoyable in the beginning.  But hey--how do we do know how something may turn out, unless we try it???  I push myself outside my boundaries and comfort levels, always hoping for the best.  I will always make this choice in the end.

What if this could be the best thing to ever happen to me?  What if this is IT?

Then I gather my courage.....and set off on a journey, full of excitement and wonder.  It's a beautiful thing....until the fear and attachment anxiety sets in....which always happens, and sometimes without a good reason.  It's irrational fear which destroys me.

Faced with adversity, I will always stand up for myself, much to the chagrin of whoever dares to defy me.  I will show no mercy.  I will always be honest when voicing my concerns, which to many comes across as rude---but why sugarcoat things, or beat around the bush?  I don't have time for mind-games, nor do I enjoy having them played against me.

I believe in fighting fair.  Speak your truth, don't be insulting or say things that you truly don't mean, and be prepared for the consequences of your decisions.

I do however, have periods of self-doubt---usually when considering the consequences or possible outcomes of the decisions which I am about to make, or the words which I am about to speak---and it's during those times that I waver and the fear overcomes me.

I rapidly process the thoughts in my mind, briefly considering the implications, then push forth----and say what I am feeling.

The biggest problem being, that quite often the recipient of my sentiments, takes great offence without actually hearing that which I am trying desperately to convey.

I see the anger and hear the defensive backlash, and I cringe inside.  The words penetrate me like a dagger in the gut.  I realize that I have been misunderstood, and realize that I must try to redeem myself.  It's too late.  The angry ears aren't listening.  The walls go up, and the Flight response kicks in.

Yes, this is often a 2-way street, and I recognize and admit that I too have been guilty of becoming defensive and/or shutdown before a compromise or solution can be reached.

So now what?  I've made it through the worst of this and am on the other side of the devastation.  I respect the decisions which have been made, and I am ready to accept the consequences.  I did not get to this place alone.

I have analyzed every angle, and in hindsight can see how I was equally as offensive, but I meant every word that I uttered.  I felt disrespected and disgusted, hurt, and scared.  Those are real feelings and I cannot deny myself that honesty.  I need to be true to myself and not settle for less than what I really want or feel that I deserve in this life.

Today is a new day.  

I am ready to move forward and heal.  

I am ready to lay fear aside, and capture and hold onto the essence of Appreciation & Gratitude towards those that own a piece of my heart.

I can't hold onto what I desire, based upon a Fear to let go.  

I need to break free from the anxiety of this Attachment disorder which binds me to this place of loneliness and despair.

Thank-you for loving me, believing in me, and for sharing this time with me.  

I Appreciate all that you have done for my children and I.  

I feel much Gratitude towards you for everything. 

I love you.  Unconditionally.

~LOVE vs HATE~

I've been plagued with a problem for quite some time now, and haven't known how to view it, or how to respond. I've tried various tactics and none of them have worked towards bringing me any sort of inner-peace until last night. Now that the initial sting and anger has passed, I've made a decision to just keep on loving, as that is what my heart is feeling.

The hurt is still there, consuming me night and day---caused by the depth of this emotion called 'caring', 'compassion', & 'empathy'.

{To be compassionate means to be aware of and sympathetic to the suffering of others. To be empathetic means to be able to notice the subtle verbal and non-verbal signals people give off that let you know what they need or want.

Compassionate, empathetic people are able to really listen to and understand the experiences that other people describe.

Their willingness to put their own concerns away for a while and to really witness and experience others' experiences is universally appreciated as a genuine and precious gift which decreases loneliness, bonds people together (creating stronger, deeper relationships), and enhances self-esteem and self-worth for both relationship partners.}

In my current situation, I can truly understand what is occurring, even though I may not understand why.

I decided to do a little digging on the internet to see what I'd find about such a phenomenon as LOVE vs HATE---and how there's a fine line between the two.

Living LOVE in the NOW, allows us to experience Joy now and continue to produce it until we have so much that we simply want to share it. By sharing it, we encourage others to feel Joy and for them to leave behind their negative emotions and glide forward into a self-empowering future. Living love now means being optimistic in that reality is faced, problems are acknowledged, solutions are sought and found, and harmony is maintained or extended to bring Joy. Living love means being humble and self-aware enough to acknowledge one's life as a miracle, one's place in the universe as miniscule, one's influence on others as great as their's can be on us. Truth becomes understanding that is relevant. Love is its own JUSTICE.

Living HATE in the NOW, prevents us from experiencing Joy and concentrates our energy on being distant, apart, rejected, needy, insufficient, anxious, fearful, and aggressive. We have nothing to share with others, only something to take. We want to take their time with our self-obsessed talk. We want to take their energy with their attempts to rescue us. We want to take their sympathy to make us feel important. We want to take their involvement, to make them equal in guilt and shame. We want to take their hopefulness and reverence and project our anger and pain into them. We threaten them with inflamed words and blame their fear filled reaction on the enemy we have identified as our excuse for self-righteousness. We will make our target "pay" for making us feel less than we would like to be.

Those who choose to Hate live in a fantasy that reality should give them what they want and that others should ignore their disrespect, their inconsistencies, their irresponsibility, their stubbornness to repeat errors, their willingness to victimize and become victims of their own actions. Hate means being proud enough to play god with the meaning of the actions of others, and, deceive and manipulate others to do what we want done. We seek to dominate one or more others by depriving them of their Rights. Truth becomes the rationalizations and fantasies that we use to deny reality. Hate is born in real and imagined injustice and feeds upon unresolved justice to construct greater injustices against others.

There is nothing to be won by being vindictive or venomous, due to built up resentment, and lack of joy or inner-peace. I understand the fears, confusion, and interference that often affect a person's mindset or belief system when one allows outside influences to overtake the heart. Gossip breeds doubt, insecurities, and can lead to hate.

I know where my heart is, and what it feels. No matter what happens next, or where life is leading me, I choose to be the Lover in the equation. I will not deny thyself of this healing and comforting pleasure. 

May you all receive the ability to love, with compassion and limitless empathy; create healing and comforting relationships in your lives; and be brave enough to choose the path of forgiveness and acceptance.

~Carpe Diem ~ Seize the Day~

~ Day 3 of NaBloPoMo

Today is a grey day.  The skies are grey.....my mood is grey.....my thoughts and feelings are various shades of grey.

The snow is finally all gone and the grass is finally turning a bright hue of green.  The daffodils and hyacinth are popping up and there are robins hopping around looking for worms and bits of twigs and straw to make their nests.  Signs of new life are everywhere.

I feel like I have too many pokers in the fire right now.  So much to do, so little motivation to get started.  This dreary weather and rainy days don't help much.  Where are the warm temps of spring?  Please Mr. Sunshine----shine down on me!

The list of tasks seems endless.

• First and foremost----DUMP RUNS!  My yard looks like a bad episode of Sanford & Son.  Seriously, it's nuts! 
• I want to organize my home and finish some demolition jobs to open everything up and let the light and heat circulate.  
• I'm in the process of setting up my (almost) 13-yr old with his own room and giving him some independence and privacy that all new teens crave so much.  
• I need to repair my 'less-than-a-yr-old' fence that my neighbours kids took so much pleasure in destroying by any means necessary.
• I really want to focus on getting my gardens back into tip-top shape, and I want to plant vegetables again.  I love being able to watch it all grow, then go out and pick the fresh veggies for dinner.  There's really nothing like it.
• I want to fill my rooms with vases of fresh-cut flowers from my yard.  This is something I haven't done in years.

What has stopped me?

I've felt so emotionally overwhelmed by everything.  The thoughts and feelings became burdensome and difficult to lay aside and carry on with 'business as usual'.  I lost my focus and my drive.  I needed to take a 'timeout' and catch my breath.  Existence was my only goal.

I spent the last year working very hard at finding myself again.  I've struggled with identity loss for what seems like forever, and I did it alone.  I had to lay aside some relationships and just do this for ME.  I knew that I was risking losing those people that I valued, but it was necessary and I don't regret a moment of it.  The way I see it, if I'm worth anything to anyone, then those people will stand behind me and encourage my goals and accept my faults patiently.

I've had this idea in my mind of who and what I am, but placing it all strategically and making full use of these notions to the best of my ability has evaded me.  It isn't easy, and no one has the right to judge until they've spent a day in my life.  The heartache seemed endless......I'd lost so much in such a brief period of time.

Today, I stand proud, with my head held high.  I am a survivor.  I am a mother.  I am an independent woman that leans on no one financially to help me get ahead.  Needing to talk to someone isn't a weakness.  We all need to reach out and verbalize our 'stuff'.  It's healthy and necessary for successful healing.  I find no shame in doing so.

Did I make mistakes during a vulnerable time in my life?  Maybe........

Will I do it again..........Maybe.......

Will I get through it all successfully with grace and dignity intact?...........

ABSOLUTELY!  That's a promise.  I am focused and ready for anything and everything.

Tomorrow is another day, and I look forward to it, each and every single day.  There's a world of endless possibilities in every sunset and sunrise......Carpe Diem.  Seize the Day.

~The Art of Letting Go~

~If I said it was easy, I'd be lying.  There's nothing easy about leaving behind someone that you loved with everything in you;  someone that you put all of your faith and trust in, and believed that you were both equally invested in building a stable and comfortable future together.  To put it bluntly, it just stinking hurts.

I expressed my fears early on.  It's not easy for me to love and trust someone.  I've been hurt many times by the people that I was supposed to be able to rely on more than anyone else in my life.  You know what they say---"once bitten, twice shy".  It's the story of my life.

As time goes by, I am feeling less heartache---but the memories are still lurking very close to the surface and continue to swirl around inside my mind, evoking twinges of both good and bad feelings.

I committed myself to remaining true to my best friend.  I am loyal and loving and can never turn my back on someone that I love.  Wouldn't this world be an amazing place to live if we could all be this loyal? 

It's easy to love during the happy times, but it takes a lot of strength, determination, and courage to make it through the dark times.

I don't place blame, and won't claim to be innocent in how it all unfolded.  I am the kind of person that can step back and have compassion for my friends, and take into consideration what they are going through in their day-to-day lives.  I forgive and give chances for redemption.

I was sad, and grieving.  Sometimes a little lost.  Often emotional, but always loving, grateful, and kind.  I didn't ever pull away or reject my best friend.  I trusted and poured out my innermost thoughts and feelings and didn't hide my emotions.

I was also there to listen and comfort.  It was a give-and-take relationship.  Everyone has painful memories, and sharing them is a way of getting to know each other.

Long story short.......it's over.

I have regrets.  There are things that I wish I could undo.  I wish I could erase the intimacy and just remained friends. 

The saddest part of all is knowing that it can't be undone. 

I remember the laughter and sharing, before it all became complicated.  I miss the emails, chats, and phone calls.  I miss the trust.

How does love and physical comfort turn things so ugly?  I don't understand, and I'm sad about it.

All I can do is breathe, focus on the things that I can change, and let go of the rest.  I have a plan and there's no better time than the present to make it a reality.

I miss you dear friend, and wish you nothing but the best in life.  Thanks for being there when I needed you the most.  I take from this experience the valuable lessons that will get me through the rest of my life, and you'll forever hold a piece of my heart.  Be kind.  Be well.  Be the best you, that you can be.

Let me go with peace and kindness in your heart, and everything will be okay.  (((HUGS)))

~The Story of Unconditional Love Through My Eyes~

"Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It's about understanding that he is exactly the person he is supposed to be. And that, if you're lucky, he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be." ~The Water Giver

I came across this quote today and it brought to mind my youngest son Bennett-Chadlen.  Upon further inspection, this Mother wrote this book all about her son that nearly died in an accident and struggles with an Acquired Brain Injury.  

It is the story of a Mother's love and determination to assist her child to succeed and re-learn all the things that many of us take for granted.  Through her writings we are able to observe not only her feelings, but the healing journey and poignant look into this family's day to day experiences.

The Water Bearer is a story that I could have written myself, and maybe one day I will, as I too am the Mother of a son that has struggled through life with the residual effects of his own Traumatic Brain Injury received after being struck by a teenage driver at the age of 4.

It is a story that I became re-acquainted with when I learned of Tristan and Tanner's 'Hereditary Spherocytosis', and again when Bennett-Chadlen was diagnosed prenatally with his Trisomy 13.

The love for my son's has sustained me, and pushed me to persevere through excruciating times in our life.  There were days I felt utterly alone and overcome with emotions.  Some days I could only sit alone and cry and wonder WHY?  Why so much heartache?  Why me?  Why us?  WHY, WHY, WHY?

In the silence that followed the deep purging of fearful tears and the ever-nagging, complex questions I had for the universe......I felt renewed and gained the strength and courage necessary to take each burden and create a challenge to overcome.

I was born and blessed with a fierce determination to identify and tackle all of life's challenges to the best of my ability.  I create a list of 'things to DO', and I won't stop until I have exhausted that list.  When I cannot think of one more thing to DO, I will then take a deep breath and chalk that up to a learning experience and do my best to function and cope with the daily struggles.

I appreciate each and every day, and cherish the small things in life.  I start and end each day with an awareness of the miracles surrounding us and I'm grateful for the pure gift of life.

My boys have taught me to love deeply, unconditionally.  Because of them I strive to be a better person.  There are no words that can capture the true essence of my love and admiration for all of the special  people in my love that I hold near, and dear to my heart.

I shall leave you with these words.......

Face each challenge.  DO your best.  Be brave, courageous, and compassionate in everything you DO.

And always remember ~ There is no such thing as failure.

~photo courtesy of Heather Renee Morgan of Lifespark.ca~

~Fear vs Love........which feeling will you choose?~

~I bought a new book this weekend.  It was 25% OFF and I couldn't bypass it as it's a program that up until now I had been following online.

The book is entitled "The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse--A Breakthrough Program for Connecting with Your Soul's Deepest Purpose".

The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse is a detox diet for the soul. When you take the time to cleanse your physical body of accumulated stress and toxicity, you are rewarded with increased vitality and optimal health. In the same way, the consciousness cleanse is designed to purify your mind and emotions, bringing you enormous amounts of strength, confidence and deep inner peace. The cleanse is designed to clear away the difficulties of your past—your struggles, stress, hurts and resentments—which may cloud your perception and prevent you from reaching your heart-filled goals.

The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse is a practical program that promises to alter the quality and direction of your life and support you in not only obtaining your goals for the new year, but, more importantly, creating a new loving and nurturing relationship with yourself and with the power that sources you. This program will enable you to take back your power from the outer world, turn inward and reconnect with your inner guide and your highest self. Instead of being guided this year by your head and what you think you should do, you will be inspired and directed by your heart's deepest desires.

~Another book that I'm making my way through is called "WHAT HAPPY PEOPLE KNOW".

Research has shown that the root of unhappiness--fear--lies in the oldest, reptilian part of our brains, and negative reactions are often dictated by primal instincts. We're literally "hardwired for hard times."

First, you'll learn the only two issues that ever cause unhappiness and devise your plan to overcome both of them. Then, Dr. Baker teaches you how to spot the happiness traps, the five doomed ways we try to make ourselves happy, only to dig ourselves further into misery. Finally, he shares his happiness tools, the six simple skills that, when practiced consistently, will inevitably lead to greater optimism, courage, good humor, and fulfillment--in short, to happiness.

 My goal is to understand the things in life that often set us back from achieving our ultimate potential.  There are so many negative factors which affect many of us in unsettling ways and stagnate our ability to move forward with courage and fearlessness.

Let's face it, modern day living is difficult and confusing a lot of the time.  I don't begin to pretend that I have all of the answers, but I will do my best to figure it all out and will share what I have learned with others so that all of you may also learn and grow spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically stronger.

If any of you have already read these books, or plan to---please feel free to share your experiences as you feel moved to.

The most important thing that I have learned thus far is that fear and love cannot co-exist at the same moment in time.  The brain cannot process both of these emotions simultaneously.

You have a decision to make.  You either focus on the fear that binds you, or you make a conscious effort to bypass that and experience joy and inner-peace.

Fear vs Love........which feeling will you choose?

~The Heartbreak Blues~

 ~It's been a very trying week.  I don't know what to say or do, or how to accurately describe how I feel right now.

Where do I begin?  I guess the best place would be to use the one word that says it best.  LOVE.

Love is responsible for all of this.

I am guilty of loving too much.  I have wanted too much.  I have needed too much.  I held on too much.  I feared too much.  I hurt too much.

I can't speak for someone else and this post is only about me, so I can only write about my intentions, thoughts, and deeds.

I've been through a lot in the last several years, which started with my ex-husband's brain injury, but the culmination was the loss of Bennett.

When I watched his tiny body go into that little wee casket, I swear my heart stopped for a moment.  I didn't want to see the lid closing, knowing I would never see his beautiful, little face ever again......but yet I couldn't tear my eyes away.  I didn't want to miss my final moments with his physical presence before me.

I held him while he passed away, and watched his siblings grieve. 

I clipped some of his hair, and made gold embossed feet imprints for keepsakes. 

I rubbed his delicate tissues with Nivea cream and prepared him for the cold storage in the morgue.  I attached his identifying name tag, then wrapped and tied him up with a bow.  I placed his 8-day old body into the body-bag myself, kissed his tiny face one more time, then zipped it shut and waited for the security guards to come and take him away.

At the funeral home I removed him from the bag and unwrapped him in preparation for his final bath and dressing.  The tears flowed and it was difficult to breathe.  My sister, mother, and father were in attendance. 
His naming ceremony is chronicled here:  http://my-baby-is-an-angel.blogspot.com/p/meaning-of-nimkee.html 

I got into my father's car and held Bennett on my lap.  We took a drive by my home to show him where his family lives.  I took him home to my father's, which was my family homestead for generations.  His body laid in wake for 3 days and we laid him to rest at sunset, on April 10th.

Kissing him and holding him one last time was excruciating.  Placing him into the casket was indescribable.  The closing of the lid was like a dagger in my heart.  The drive to the cemetary is a blur in my mind.

Can you even imagine what it was like to watch his tiny casket being lowered into the ground and have daisies and dirt thrown on top of him?  I couldn't watch.  I felt rage amongst the tears.

~My baby is in here.  Visits to the cemetary are very difficult.

I spent the next few months grieving alone.  Each day was a struggle.  Each breath forced.  I had no appetite, and sleep was my only reprieve.

One day I received a notification that someone from my past had reached out to me.  I graciously accepted it and from that day forward everything changed.

He made himself available to me to lean on in my grief.  He made the breathing easier, and the genuine joy and smiles returned, even though I had thought it impossible.

I've made mistakes during this intense period of grieving.  Not only was my heart broken beyond belief, but I was caught up in a support & custody battle for my boys, division of assets so we'd have a home to live in, and outside interference from people that don't know me.

While I thought that I was being understood and respected, I have found out how wrong I was.

There has been very little compassion and acceptance, next to no trust.......and false empathy.

If any of the love was real, then it wouldn't even be possible for this person to hurt me like this.  Loving relationships and friendships don't end with anger and heated animosity because they have been loved too much.

I don't begrudge his decision to leave me.  I came to terms with that years ago, the day he moved out on his own.  The contact since that day has been sketchy at best, but it was enough to get me through the darkest days of sorrow.

I loved too much......trusted too much......needed and wanted too much.  All in all, I have been very grateful and open about my feelings, wants, and needs.  He can't reciprocate the love or understand what I need and why I am the way I am.

He has no patience left for me.  No caring.  No concern for my feelings.  No kind words or apologies.  Nothing.  Just requests for the return of items, public attempts at humiliation, police threats if I try to see him face to face to talk, and nasty emails.  He claims he is happy with all of this, even though his actions speak otherwise.  I definitely am not one bit happy with any of this.

Why can't he understand and feel compassion?  Just give me loyal friendship and trust I don't have evil or selfish motives.  Why is it impossible to maintain friendship?  I don't understand the hard feelings because I don't possess that within me.

If you don't want to be with someone anymore, why not just walk away peacefully and keep it all private?

The biggest question in my mind is WHY?  Why is it easy to be mean to me?  What did I do to deserve this?

How can anyone expect me to go through all of this and not need and want someone for comfort?

I don't deserve any of this.  I did nothing wrong.  I have been fair, loving, and loyal.  I've been appreciative and publicly showed my devotion and gratitude in photo albums on facebook.

Now I'm on my own again.......struggling and requesting patience and understanding, compassion and peace from those around me.

My heart is battered and bruised.....mangled beyond recognition.  I am hurting and feeling very alone.

Perhaps the saddest revelation of all is that I feel safest alone in my heartache.  Trusting and loving people has only resulted in further losses and emotional scars.  Relying on others has been impossible.

I don't know how to get through this, but I know that I will-----one day at a time.

Somebody help me.......I've got the heartbreak blues...........

~Winter 21-Day Meditation Challenge~

~As I begin another year in my quest for spiritual growth and enlightenment, I have committed myself to fitting meditation into my daily routine.  I need to find solace in any way possible, and what better way than to just sit idle----silent----focus on your breathing and BE PRESENT IN THE MOMENT?

The last several years have been so unbelievably painful and alternately mind-numbing.  I have developed the ability to hurt as much as I can possibly endure, and then the numbness kicks in so I can breathe again and lull myself back into a sense of security---an escape hatch.

I read that it takes 21-DAYS to create a routine that becomes almost 'reflex-like'.  The thoughts and patterns become an instinct which automatically kicks in when you require that assistance from your psyche.

If you are at a cross-roads, struggling to figure out what to do next, where to go, or just find yourself consumed with the age-old question of WHY?.....then give these meditations a shot.

What do you have to lose?

http://www.chopracentermeditation.com/winterday1/

http://www.chopracentermeditation.com/winterday2/

~If you have 10-15 minutes a day to invest in yourself, these meditations are very worth it.  As I make my way through these days, I will add new links so you too can follow along.

~**~NAMASTE~**~ Love, Peace, & Nimkee-Blessings to you all ~**~

~The Moral Highground~

~It's been a difficult, yet enlightening start to this new year.  I am learning things I never thought possible.  My eyes have been opened, my heart exposed.

It's painful, but also comes with a huge sense of relief knowing it's over.  There is an end to the push and pull, hot and cold, here and gone.  I feel like I've been riding a carousel to nowhere.  Just going 'round and 'round......and when it stops, nobody knows.

I knew what I was doing when I decided to put myself into this.  I held on tight and enjoyed the ride for as long as possible, but it became nauseating and just wasn't fun or fulfilling anymore.  I finally found the strength to pull the STOP lever and let myself off.

I got out of it what I needed, but there isn't anything left to offer to me.  The patience has expired.  The compassion is gone.  The empathy is non-existent at this point, and it makes me sad because all I really wanted and needed was loyal friendship, through thick and thin.......and I returned it ten-fold.

Now it's over.  I see it's time to part ways indefinitely.  I made the choice to pull myself away and let go.

It wasn't easy.

Today I start a new journey on a straight path leading to who knows where----but it's paved with good intentions and endless possibilities.  I am looking forward to this new adventure.

I'm sure there will be a few bumps and curves to maneuver through, but I'm ready, willing, and able.

Maybe one day we will meet at the cross roads.  We both have healing and growth to do on our own.  We awakened things in each other----lots of it good, some of it painful----but let's be grateful for the time while it lasted.

Hold onto the memories.  Remember the joy----the day trips we took to far off places.......the beaches we explored.......the new foods that we tried......the trails that we hiked......the park we got locked in at night.......the love, the passion, and the tears that we shared.  I shall treasure this always, and can look back on the photos and smile.  I hope one day that you can too.

Providence Bay

Prov Bay at sunset

Niagara in November

Happy Canada Day EH!

Science North

The bed of nails

A day in the sun at our camp in Wiky

Niagara with the wee lads

Hypnotizing Fred to make him stand on his head

Thanks for the awesome dinner!  Fred was deeelish!

Really......need I say more?

Thank you for saving us!

Our paths may cross again and when it does I hope the animosity has subsided.

I can't give what I don't have to give.  I am finishing this trek of the journey alone.

I need to find my way.

I feel much gratitude and love for you and greatly appreciate all that you have given to me to get me through the worst of the grief and heartache.  I can't and won't deny that you helped get me to this point.

You are an awesome person, and I feel honoured to have had the pleasure of your friendship and comfort through everything.

Thank you for remembering Bennett's birth & angel days---and for spending them with me.

Thank you for remembering the significance of Good Friday, and for reaching out when you knew I needed it the most.

Thank you for attending the visits to Sick Kids, for you knew it wouldn't be easy for me.

Thank you for all of the tears you have dried while I leaned on your shoulder.

Thank you for listening to all my stories........no matter how sad.

Thanks for laughing at my silly jokes and making me smile again when I thought I had lost my joy forever.

Thank you for everything.

I wish you peace and love my friend.  You will forever own a piece of my heart.  Gzaagin xxoo

~The Road to Recovery~

~Once upon a time.................I naively thought I had found the man that I was going to spend the rest of my days with.  I was wrong.

Since I decided that 2011 was going to be MY YEAR for all POSITIVE CHANGES I figured I may as well just get painfully honest with myself and admit that I've been beating a dead horse.

I made the blunderous error of falling in love with my best male friend. 

I remember one of the very first interactions that made me think "this one's different".

He took it upon himself to scour my facebook info and found my web urls.  He stayed up one night and read my blog entries about Bennett-Chadlen and then wrote me a very poignant, heartfelt email allowing me to know how sorry he was, and how he had read it through tears.  He then shared with me intimate details of his own story of losing his mother at the tender age of 16.  My heart was touched.  His words stirred my barely beating heart.

As the days became weeks, he made it his daily goal to put a smile on my face.  He was funny, witty, and sarcastic---he always made me laugh.  He shared videos and emails throughout the night so I always had something awaiting my attentions first thing every morning.  He phoned me on his days off and we'd talk the entire day away, reminiscing about the grade school days.

I began to depend on those daily affirmations that my very battered and broken-heart was actually capable of healing.  I was able to look forward to waking up and live another day.

In time I was able to speak candidly about my loss, the details of my failed marriage, my children's health concerns, and my own fears about my future.  He listened patiently.

I expressed how my feelings were beginning to grow and change.  I was perplexed and keenly interested in getting to know him better.  I made a date to visit him in Toronto and see how it went.  It was great---rejuvenating, invigorating, and amazing.  I wasn't able to continue with a long-distance relationship so he moved back here to this little island town where we both grew up.

I knew it was wrong of me to allow this to develop but I couldn't resist.  I really 'needed' this friend in my life.  I was bruised and battered.....weak....lost......emotionally bankrupt.  For lack of a better term......I was a complete and utter mess!

I trusted he would understand and have faith in me.  I was certain my loyalty would be rewarded and returned to me.  Isn't that what friends do?  I wasn't just a greedy 'taker', I also gave everything I had the ability to share through my healing journey.  I gave my never-ending gratitude and affection.

I give up.  He doesn't have the ability to understand how difficult all of this has been for me.  I have been trying to heal from my losses, and give whatever little extra energy I had leftover to nurture this relationship.

It is not going to happen so it's time to move on to Plan B.

I am making a to-do list for this year, and the top of the list is "self-discovery".  In order to accomplish this I am making time to read a few books that I purchased 3 years ago.

Today's book of choice!

 How Not To Be Afraid Of Your Own Life.....opening your heart to Confidence, Intimacy, and Joy

I refuse to get bogged with down things that I have absolutely no control over.  I won't keep up this cycle of push, pull, love, abandon, comfort, reject.........betrayal is a bitch.

I'll keep you updated on all of the interesting and enlightening information I come across.

Now it's time to sleep.....tomorrow is another day!

~2 minutes and 42 seconds---DO YOU HAVE THE TIME?~

~2 minutes and 42 seconds--

--do you have the time to view the true heart of humanity at work?

This holiday season, think of the others that many have forgotten or rejected...

..and be grateful for the riches you CAN share IF YOU WANT TO.

Love, Peace, & Nimkee-Blessings to all ♥

~Awakening~

~There comes a point in every relationship where you have to ask yourself if it's beneficial to continue this?

Is it safe to share the "inner-workings of me" with this person?  What are the risks?  What may be the pay-offs?  What is the worst thing that could happen?

It's generally this last question that stops me dead in my tracks like the proverbial 'deer caught in the headlights'.

If we're honest with ourselves, the answer to that question is (for me personally anyway):

• He may not understand.
• He may get really uncomfortable with this much honesty.
• He may think less of me.
• He may convince himself there's something really wrong with me, too much emotional baggage and not worth the hassle or commitment to the investing of time required to work through this.
• He may be ill-equipped to deal with me, no matter how much he wishes he could.
• He may just say......screw this.  I need a beer and a cigarette and I'm staying home or going to the bar.
• He may feel ashamed to love someone that is crazy enough to write this blog and share my most intimate fears openly.
• He may worry what his friends will think of him, or me, or both.
• I may get rejected, abandoned, and just outright publicly shunned.

How humiliating.  Brutally honest----YES----but also I risk persecution, judgment, and humiliation by writing this.

What is the pay-off  for this?

• Others may identify with my fears and feel less alone if they too are currently, or have experienced something similar in the past.
• Someone that has no clue about me might just learn something about me.  "Maybe I'm not as shallow or weird as they think I may be?"
• I feel like I've put myself on "public notice", therefore it's necessary to continue on this path---much like those on the reality tv shows that want to publicly lose weight and know that having the public eye scrutinizing them is (I already established that it's more than a little humiliating), but let's face it----it's also liberating and can push you to show onlookers you have the moxy required to reach your goals.
• I have the opportunity to dispel myth and rumours, and give people something honest and poignant to gossip about for a change.  

• "You want to talk about me?  Well, here you go.  Knock yourself out.  I'm real.  I have real fears.  I have real heartache.  I have real life-altering dilemmas.  I have real financial issues.  I have real emotional issues.  I have gut-wrenching raw grief over the loss of my family, marriage, business, current relationship, and most of all over the loss of my babies Noah and Bennett-Chadlen."  How's that for honest?

   The craziest statement I can openly admit to here and now is that I am in-love with my best friend and a lot of the time it feels great, but some of the time it feels as though it is literally killing me.  I try to hide my emotions and not expose those most intimate details with others because this isn't a conventional relationship, and I don't understand it myself.  How can I explain it to anyone else?
  
  Bottom line being......it's nobody else's business.  That said, I honestly do feel the need to just put it out there and let everyone know how I really, really feel about this man.
  
  He is awesome, and amazing.  He makes me laugh.  He listens intently to the things I feel the need to express.  I know that my tears and openness can cause him discomfort at times because there is that level of caring that causes good people like him to ask themselves, "What should I do now?  How do I fix this?  What should I say?  Eeeks.....help.....I don't know what to do or say and I feel really awkward right now, so I'm going to bolt at the first chance I get and stay away for a few weeks, in silence to figure this crap out."
  
  So this brings me back to that age-old question?  What do I do now?  Should I just listen to my rational mind saying "be brave, don't run and hide as usual, and it's going to be ok."  That seems to be the smartest option at this particular moment in time.
  
  This love stuff is hard.  How much emotional baggage is too much?  I can't speak for anybody else but I can say that I know I am carting around a seemingly bottomless sack of 'emotions' that need to be dealt with before I can even feel the least bit comfortable inflicting myself on anyone else.
  
  Being in a co-dependent cycle is not my thing.  It's not healthy, or fun, and it very seldom evolves to anything good in the long run.  I don't want to be someone's emotional or financial burden.  Unless you've signed a contract or have court documents stating that you have to take full responsibility for me, then no worries.  You don't owe me a damn thing.
  
  No matter what happens next, I do have the complete satisfaction in knowing that I am now being true to myself and not allowing anyone to sway my judgment, or manipulate my feelings and thought processes.  This is the only life I have, and today is the only day that matters in the grand scheme of things.
  
  Thank you to my awesome and amazing friend for all that you have helped me through thus far.  You have touched my heart deeply through your willingness to assist me through the worst of my grief, when I was the lowest of the low.  You have literally seen me at my worst and nothing will ever take me back to that place again.  I appreciate your thoughtfulness, your ability to forgive, and your generosity.  Loving you is the most amazing feeling, one I thought I'd never experience like this.  It is my wish to become an even stronger woman through this journey I call my life, and I feel so blessed to have the honour to say I've shared a significant amount of it with you.
  
   I admire your loyalty, and respect your need to sometimes pull back and re-group.  I may not always like it, but I accept it as necessary for your own healing journey of complete self-discovery.
  
  I will love you always..........and treasure you forever.
  

  

  Thank you for lifting me up when I was too afraid and too weak to stand on my own.

  
  
  
  

~BREAKING THE BARRIERS~

~Infant Loss----just another 'catch phrase' perhaps?  It's easy to allow our eyes to quickly flit over the words and try not to give it another thought, for to acknowledge such a thing often conjures up images, thoughts, and feelings we'd rather not consider.

Inevitably upon meeting and getting to know others, the question of 'children' comes up?

"Do you have any children?  How many?"

{Hmm......how do I answer this one?  What do I say?  How honest should I be?  Will this person be able to handle the truth?  What might they say when I utter the words}:

"I am the proud Mother of 6 boys.  4 are still living, BUT sadly---2 of them died."

What happens next is interesting.  Quite often the response goes something like this:

.......'wow, 6 boys.  You must be a very busy Mama'.

{Uhm, excuse me......did you not hear me say "2 of them died"?  or are we going to pretend I didn't just say that?}

It's moments like this that often strikes a chord with us 'Angel Mommies' and causes many us to feel some guilt over having uttered those dreadful words that may make you squirm in discomfort.  It can often lead to this internal dialogue that skips  through our minds as we make a mental note not to mention it again in case I once again face someone that can't handle the truth, or ask themselves: 

"why would she tell me that?  Doesn't she know we don't talk about stuff like this?"

I have created a charity inspired by the Loving Memory of my own 'Angel Babies'.  I named my project after Bennett-Chadlen because he spent time in the NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit) following his birth, where he spent 8 days before he passed away in my arms.  This charity specifically deals with providing comfort and support items to other families with babies in the NICU at Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto, Ontario, Canada where he spent his entire 8 day life.

I am currently in the process of coming up with some creative ideas to spread Infant Loss Awareness, as well as hoping to inspire others to think about families like mine that have newborns fighting for their lives in NICU's around the world.  

It's not easy to put myself  'out there' and trust that others will take notice, or even care enough to donate or help out.  

I've read stories of others like myself that want to make a difference and quite often we have similar stories of experience.  Sometimes people just don't show any interest.  

It can be debilitating, and certainly soul-crushing when you share such intimate details of your life with the general public and receive very little feedback or offers of kind words, donations, or even enquire what we're up to and why?  It certainly isn't encouraging!

Why do we do this?  Why do we share our experiences, and reach out to help others??

I can certainly say without a shadow of a doubt that most of us just have this insatiable desire to help others like ourselves feel less alone in their trials and healing journeys.  We share a common-bond with these families and we wear the internal, emotional scars which we often hide so effectively so as not to discomfort others around us.  

If I can reach out and touch the lives of just one family out there, and help ease their burdens and let them know they're not alone.....then it eases my own heartache.

I know how difficult it is to share our babies with a society that isn't quite ready to "know" about Infant Loss yet.  

It is difficult to be courageous and brave, or worse yet---show vulnerability.

There is something  about birth defects and fetal anomolies that send some people into denial mode, and/or question our sanity for even giving birth to these babies at all since some of us knew prenatally what their plight in life might be.  

We just need you all to understand and respect that we love and want our babies with every fibre of our being.

With the assistance and generous donation of items, time and talent from my eldest son, his musically talented  comrades, local businesses, a local park, food vendor, volunteer bakers, a magician, the local newspaper and their writers/photographers, my friends and a handful of family members, I was able to make my 'dream' a reality!  We can't forget those of you that came out to be entertained, and so graciously donated your $ to such a worthy cause.

~Introducing Bennett opened our Benefit Concert~

So---as I sit here tonight with thoughts of WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, & HOW swirling around in this vast chamber I call my imagination---I can't help but wonder how to promote my fund-raising agenda yet once again.

While I meditate on this, images of Nimkee pop up into my head.  I can see his sweet little face, fingers and toes.  I can remember his fresh newborn baby fragrance.  I remember how good it felt to meet him and gaze into his eyes that very first time.....and how it felt to finally hold him in my arms.

While some may call me crazy for even continuing my pregnancy after his prenatal diagnosis, I have to just put those thoughts out of my mind and move forward with my goal.........

~ I hope that one day the world will be ready for us ~

~SLOW & STEADY WINS THE RACE~

I'm happy today, very content with how things are slowly unfolding in my life.  I am learning that when you see something you really, really want in life---running out and grabbing it isn't necessarily the best way to go about it.

Take credit cards for example:  Sometimes we really NEED to use them, most often we  just 'charge' it because it's a quick and simple way to acquire what we feel we need, when  we need it!  

But seriously?  Do we really NEED all the stuff we have??

Saving your pennies for a rainy day may take so much longer.....but when the day comes to purchase what our heart desires just think of how much better it feels to be able to get out the savings you've patiently acquired.......and voila!  

We can cherish it so much more when we've had to work harder to get it!

Love lessons in life are like this.

We all wish life could be easier......but what have we learned from life when everything came easily??  

Quite often those things which we have in abundance, a never-ending supply of 'something'.......do we really cherish it the way we should??  Or do we tend to take it for granted??  

Generally it's the latter.

I am currently in a place where I can look back over the last year and see all of the mistakes I have made, by rushing.......and pursuing.....

I can honestly say that it's been driven by pure fear.  Fear of being alone during the dark and sad times.  

Fear of accidentally falling off the edge of the cliff that I was so precariously hanging off of.  

"Please, please, please........don't let me fall!"

And he didn't.  When I needed to be saved......I was.

I'm learning to trust that I haven't been thrown a rotten rope that will break at any given moment in time.

I bought a tiny statue this summer, to place in the Memory Garden of Love that I have created in my backyard in honour of those loved ones we lost.  I named my first little angel, Noah-Alexander, and wanted something special just for him.  The statue is of the 'tortoise and the hare'......complete with racing lights-----Ready----Set----Go!

The sun charges up the battery during the day, when the sun goes down........the race begins!  Those little lights begin to count down to the start.........

We all know the moral of that story:

'Slow and Steady wins the Race!'