~It's 2 am and I'm too tired to sleep.......

~So I know that doesn't make any sense at all, but it's my overworked mind that is exhausted, but restless.  I'm sure most of us can understand that concept?

It seems that there just aren't enough hours in the day for me anymore.  I have so much that I want to do, but yet my body says NOOOOO.  I've tried ignoring my body and pushed through with my goals, only to find out that was the very wrong thing to do in this condition.  It's so frustrating!!!

So here I am, trying to cram in some words that I want to stop from swirling around in my brain making me nauseous.

First of all----this heartburn can take a hike any time now!  I am pretty sure it's related to the bazillion meds I have to swallow each day.  I think I need to add an antacid to this......Ranitidine perhaps??  I took this before for some prescribed anti-inflammatories which ended up disagreeing with me in unmentionable ways!  It was horrible......but I didn't have heartburn---so I guess it worked??

Here's a refresher for those that may not have seen the previous post about my "condition":

 

Looking at these photos isn't making this indigestion go away any faster!!!

Speaking of said "condition", I am off to the mainland tomorrow for another Lung Function Test as the results of my screening test last week were unsatisfactory.  Since this might be related to the lupus, we need to be proactive in seeking answers.  I am remaining positive and hoping for the best!

I repeat to myself......I will heal.  I am healing.  I will be healthy.  I AM HEALTHY........I have a goal to live to be 100 YEARS OLD---AND I'M GONNA (beeping) DO IT TOO!

I am determined.......and I have to say that I've been fairly successful in maintaining this cheery outlook since I made it a priority to focus on ME for a change.

Now......the other issue.  I am disgusted.  I am sickened.  I am thoroughly and utterly appalled at the insensitivity and hideous reactions of someone I deeply admired.  I don't even know what to think anymore.  I feel so..............dare I repeat myself?......DISGUSTED.  I am more disgusted with this person than I have ever been with anyone else.

Why?  Because I honestly didn't ever think that he was capable of such gross and indecent behaviour.

I know I haven't been a barrel of monkeys fun to be around, but holy hell.........look at my life for F-sakes!!!  I have done the best I can, while maintaining a level head (for the most part) through the most horrific experience that any mother can live through.

Add D-I-V-O-R-C-E and financial issues up the wing-wang and you're looking at a disaster in the making.

But the FUN DOESN'T STOP THERE!

I made a serious, life-altering decision to share some comfort with someone and it resulted in an unplanned pregnancy.  Shocking.....but as soon as I caught my breath I accepted my plight for I brought this upon myself.  I won't even pretend this was an immaculate conception.

So, here I am.........legally separated, single-mom, 4 living sons, one stillborn son, 2 sick sons, financially ruined home-owner of the Money Pit from HELL----and alone and pregnant.  Let's not forget that I also had a very angry estranged husband that cut-off my vehicle insurance and refused to handover the ownership papers so I could insure it myself (nevermind that I had been paying the vehicle insurance myself for years----can you say "begruntled" much?---k, that's the nicest thing I can say about that!) so my wheels were literally rotting away into the paved driveway for 3 yrs.  How nice----NOT.  Borrowing wheels from my mother came with an endless slew of judgment, and I had to always explain why and where I was going.  It sucked the nastiest, sweatiest, stinkiest donkey balls you can imagine!

So anyway.....where was I again????  Oh yes...........we were talking about ME.  "Badluck Shleprock"

Now back to spewing my sarcasm............

My baby was prenatally diagnosed during my fifth month with Trisomy 13---"incompatible with life"...."failure to thrive"........bla bla bla.  I was alone, pregnant, and devastated beyond comprehension.....not to mention scared out of my freaking mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Skip ahead......weeks before Bennett's delivery my estranged husband has me served with papers because he has suddenly decided it would be PERFECT TIMING to drag me into court and try to take away my children.......thereby eliminating my ONLY source of income should he get his way.

Life suddenly got even worse than I could even imagine, but I had no time to think about that.  I had to GO!  It was time to move to Toronto and await the impending arrival of Nimkee.  The weeks were unbearable----like the ticking of a time bomb waiting to go off at any given second.  Was I going to deliver another stillborn son?  Will he survive delivery?  Will he die during delivery?  Will he die right away?  Will I get to hold him?  Will he require surgery?  Will I ever bring him home?????????????

Bennett-Chadlen was born on March 29th, 2 days overdue.  Sadly he passed away 8 days later and my world was turned upside-down again.

Who in their right mind even thinks that going through all of this was going to be easy for me???  How can anyone think that a loving, joyful relationship is going to develop and blossom during the darkest period of my life???????

I trusted this person with my heart and soul.  I shared my deepest love, I leaned hard......I trusted he'd keep his word to be here for me?  I mean really----how could anyone pull away from someone in need such as I was??

I never promised you a rose garden.......isn't that how the song goes???

I made it clear that my life was SHIT.  Pure and utter SHIT.  Let's not sugarcoat the truth.

Yes, I needed comfort and support.....but never did I ask for anything other than loyal friendship in return.  I didn't want money, or entertainment.  I didn't want diamonds or luxurious gifts.  I didn't ask for travel, or expensive dinners out----nothing of the sort!

Just sit with me.  Listen to me.  Hold me.  Care for me.  Laugh with me.

I loved in return.  I was grateful and thankful......and always made it known through my words of gratitude, my affection, my attentions.........I gave it all-----everything that money cannot buy.

Me.......emotionally destitute, nearly bankrupt-----literally shattered----but yet I had it in me to show love, and compassion......and I listened and gave comfort.

I took....but I GAVE just as much or more than I was given.

Where am I now????  Sitting here.......alone........and DISGUSTED.

K.....it's 3 am and I've said all I need to say for one night. Excuse the ramblings of an "allegedly" insane house-mom.  Whatever......Ask yourself.  Where would you be?  You can barely survive being loved and wanted.....let alone have to endure anything quite this emotionally devastating.  I know your story and it melted my heart and made me want to hold on tighter.  What's your excuse???

For what it's worth.......my heart hasn't stopped loving----despite how disgusted I am right now.  Try looking at MY LIFE and stop feeling so victimized, used, and wounded.  Nobody here has harmed you.  You tell me what is a lie in any of this?  Focus on the positive......and be proud of what I have survived and overcome.  Feel lucky.  Feel honoured.  That is how I feel about you.......it's all unconditional.......

Do not blame me because all you can comprehend is negativity.  If all you ever see is the negative and assume the worst in every situation-----then that's all you're ever going to feel.  You will always feel negative and irritable.....uncomfortable......fearful.

I have a right to react to the constant rejection and miscommunication......and don't act shocked.  You have treated me far worse for way less............and that's the honest truth.  Own your mistakes.  I haven't denied mine. 

My apologies are sincere.  My love is real.  My loyalty is unfaltering.  My forgiveness is never-ending.  I don't fear anything, or anyone----but I am choosing to move on with my life and not look back.  I deserve better than what I've allowed and accepted. 

I don't think I will ever understand how anyone can be so mean.  MEAN PEOPLE SUCK!

~The Ultimate Betrayal~

~ The easiest way to find out who your true friends are ~ is to need one ~ I highly recommend that you brace yourself, for you just may find out that the one person you trusted the most won't be there ~

I remember when I found out that I was expecting Bennett-Chadlen.  The first phone call I made was to my "best friend".  I shared all my fears and my inner-most thoughts.  I shed tears.  I thanked her for listening.

Skip ahead a few months.  I found out that Bennett-Chadlen might have a chromosomal abnormality.  I phoned her numerous times and left more messages than I could keep track of.  I sent emails.  I heard nothing in response.

I got the results and kept calling with URGENT information to please call me immediately......this is an emergency involving life and death here!!  Still......no reply.

3 weeks later.......I called to wish her a Happy Birthday.  That's what good friends do, right?  We aren't supposed to ignore these important dates!  Again......I left another message and hung up the phone with a very downtrodden spirit.

When I finally did get through to her I couldn't believe what she said to me after I asked these questions:

• WHERE have you been?  Is everything okay?  Is there anything I can do for you?

  After listening to her discuss her husband and boyfriend problems (YES, you read that correctly) I then shared my very heartbreaking news with her.  Her response was not what I anticipated that it might be.  Seriously----I waited weeks for this crummy response.

  "I'm sorry that MY life doesn't concern Life or Death matters, but it's still very serious to me".  

  (Gee, I feel so sorry for you that your husband doesn't embrace your boyfriend as another member of your family)  

  "Call me when this all blows over and we'll go dancing".

  OUCH.  WTF?  Who says shit like this to someone, especially after 20 yrs of a very good friendship?

  Hindsight being what it is, I realize now that our friendship sustained itself for 2 decades because I never did have any reason to lean on her and request some comfort and support.  It was always about HER, and what I could DO FOR her.

  Needless to say, we haven't spoken since.....as I abruptly ended that conversation with a few choice words and the slamming down of the phone.  I did cry though, and I felt completely alone and helpless.

  I'm on the 4 year stretch of Nimkee's anniversaries........and luckily for me, I probably have at least a dozen more reasons to dance than she ever will.

  Rejection sucks.

Mean People Suck

~Mean people are everywhere.  We all know people that for some unknown reason will gratify themselves by lashing out at others, and find great satisfaction in being as vile as they possibly can----most likely for shock value and attention.

A few days ago I wrote a post about each person's ~INHERIT RIGHT TO LIFE~, and made reference to my own experience with my deceased 8 day old newborn son.  Imagine my surprise to log into my email the following day to find some comments written that clearly were meant for me, as a personal attack---but what this person probably didn't consider is that there are other grieving mothers, fathers, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, family friends----that all have their own form of grief over the loss of their own loved ones. It is very harsh and cruel to so bluntly just come right out and say to someone:  "get over it".

I mean really......would you stand in the centre of a bereavment group meeting and tell everyone that "there are more important things to worry about on this planet" than dead babies??

These words did not harm me in any way whatsoever, because I fully expect that there will be some heartless prick somewhere in the world that gets their cheap jollies by being judgmental and spiteful for whatever reason.  I know that by writing publicly I am possibly inducing discomfort in an individual's life, triggering their desire to lash out and be nasty.

You personally may not care about my life, and you may laugh at me and think that I'm a joke, but at the start and end of each day it's your own face that you have to look at and I'm guessing that brings you more discomfort than anything I could ever write here.  I will assume that it's safe to say that you have very little joy in your life, for if you did, you wouldn't bother spending a moment of your life reading what I write, and feel compelled to anonymously leave your snide comments.

We all have a public persona that exudes from us whenever we choose to walk out of our homes and enter into society.  The internet is just another platform for freedom of expression, and while I could have chosen to write anonymously, I have the courage and the strength to use my real identity, and I possess the ability to persevere despite how you, or others, may perceive me.

I stand behind my words, and I don't care what anyone says to me, or about me.  We are all entitled to our opinions, and I fully respect each individual's right to express what they think, feel, or believe---even if I don't agree with their viewpoint.

We were born with the gift of free-will.  I suggest that you use yours wisely.

I don't feel the need to anonymously attack someone for choosing to express their point of view in whichever format they choose, especially if it concerns something as sacred as death of a much loved and wanted newborn, or child.

I choose not to hate the hater.  Rather, I feel pity for someone that has such a shallow take on life, and doesn't possess the ability to feel empathy or compassion for another person's pain.

It's easy to kick someone when they strike a nerve----but it takes great strength of character to turn and walk away with grace and dignity. 

What must it feel like to live in this person's skin??  What makes a person that bitter?

I will never understand, and I accept that no matter where we go, there will always be internally ugly people in our midst.

The next time you feel the need to be hateful and mean, consider that I'm not the only person that will read it.  You just may harm some innocent person that will take personal offense to your statements.  Attack me if you will, but leave others out of it.  Grief is a difficult thing to overcome, and your words can truly hurt those that I assume you do not have a personal vendetta against.

Please, show some respect.  One day someone you love will die, and you won't want someone to be so heartless to you.  What goes around, comes around.

It's easy to hide behind a curtain and spew your hatred, like a coward.  You can insinuate that I'm a fraud all you want.  You can slander me if you wish----it's your right----your freedom of speech.  Go to it.

Consider this your 5 minutes of fame.


"I've learned to love my haters.  You need it more than I do."