~Carpe Diem ~ Seize the Day~

~ Day 3 of NaBloPoMo

Today is a grey day.  The skies are grey.....my mood is grey.....my thoughts and feelings are various shades of grey.

The snow is finally all gone and the grass is finally turning a bright hue of green.  The daffodils and hyacinth are popping up and there are robins hopping around looking for worms and bits of twigs and straw to make their nests.  Signs of new life are everywhere.

I feel like I have too many pokers in the fire right now.  So much to do, so little motivation to get started.  This dreary weather and rainy days don't help much.  Where are the warm temps of spring?  Please Mr. Sunshine----shine down on me!

The list of tasks seems endless.

• First and foremost----DUMP RUNS!  My yard looks like a bad episode of Sanford & Son.  Seriously, it's nuts! 
• I want to organize my home and finish some demolition jobs to open everything up and let the light and heat circulate.  
• I'm in the process of setting up my (almost) 13-yr old with his own room and giving him some independence and privacy that all new teens crave so much.  
• I need to repair my 'less-than-a-yr-old' fence that my neighbours kids took so much pleasure in destroying by any means necessary.
• I really want to focus on getting my gardens back into tip-top shape, and I want to plant vegetables again.  I love being able to watch it all grow, then go out and pick the fresh veggies for dinner.  There's really nothing like it.
• I want to fill my rooms with vases of fresh-cut flowers from my yard.  This is something I haven't done in years.

What has stopped me?

I've felt so emotionally overwhelmed by everything.  The thoughts and feelings became burdensome and difficult to lay aside and carry on with 'business as usual'.  I lost my focus and my drive.  I needed to take a 'timeout' and catch my breath.  Existence was my only goal.

I spent the last year working very hard at finding myself again.  I've struggled with identity loss for what seems like forever, and I did it alone.  I had to lay aside some relationships and just do this for ME.  I knew that I was risking losing those people that I valued, but it was necessary and I don't regret a moment of it.  The way I see it, if I'm worth anything to anyone, then those people will stand behind me and encourage my goals and accept my faults patiently.

I've had this idea in my mind of who and what I am, but placing it all strategically and making full use of these notions to the best of my ability has evaded me.  It isn't easy, and no one has the right to judge until they've spent a day in my life.  The heartache seemed endless......I'd lost so much in such a brief period of time.

Today, I stand proud, with my head held high.  I am a survivor.  I am a mother.  I am an independent woman that leans on no one financially to help me get ahead.  Needing to talk to someone isn't a weakness.  We all need to reach out and verbalize our 'stuff'.  It's healthy and necessary for successful healing.  I find no shame in doing so.

Did I make mistakes during a vulnerable time in my life?  Maybe........

Will I do it again..........Maybe.......

Will I get through it all successfully with grace and dignity intact?...........

ABSOLUTELY!  That's a promise.  I am focused and ready for anything and everything.

Tomorrow is another day, and I look forward to it, each and every single day.  There's a world of endless possibilities in every sunset and sunrise......Carpe Diem.  Seize the Day.

~It's 2 am and I'm too tired to sleep.......

~So I know that doesn't make any sense at all, but it's my overworked mind that is exhausted, but restless.  I'm sure most of us can understand that concept?

It seems that there just aren't enough hours in the day for me anymore.  I have so much that I want to do, but yet my body says NOOOOO.  I've tried ignoring my body and pushed through with my goals, only to find out that was the very wrong thing to do in this condition.  It's so frustrating!!!

So here I am, trying to cram in some words that I want to stop from swirling around in my brain making me nauseous.

First of all----this heartburn can take a hike any time now!  I am pretty sure it's related to the bazillion meds I have to swallow each day.  I think I need to add an antacid to this......Ranitidine perhaps??  I took this before for some prescribed anti-inflammatories which ended up disagreeing with me in unmentionable ways!  It was horrible......but I didn't have heartburn---so I guess it worked??

Here's a refresher for those that may not have seen the previous post about my "condition":

 

Looking at these photos isn't making this indigestion go away any faster!!!

Speaking of said "condition", I am off to the mainland tomorrow for another Lung Function Test as the results of my screening test last week were unsatisfactory.  Since this might be related to the lupus, we need to be proactive in seeking answers.  I am remaining positive and hoping for the best!

I repeat to myself......I will heal.  I am healing.  I will be healthy.  I AM HEALTHY........I have a goal to live to be 100 YEARS OLD---AND I'M GONNA (beeping) DO IT TOO!

I am determined.......and I have to say that I've been fairly successful in maintaining this cheery outlook since I made it a priority to focus on ME for a change.

Now......the other issue.  I am disgusted.  I am sickened.  I am thoroughly and utterly appalled at the insensitivity and hideous reactions of someone I deeply admired.  I don't even know what to think anymore.  I feel so..............dare I repeat myself?......DISGUSTED.  I am more disgusted with this person than I have ever been with anyone else.

Why?  Because I honestly didn't ever think that he was capable of such gross and indecent behaviour.

I know I haven't been a barrel of monkeys fun to be around, but holy hell.........look at my life for F-sakes!!!  I have done the best I can, while maintaining a level head (for the most part) through the most horrific experience that any mother can live through.

Add D-I-V-O-R-C-E and financial issues up the wing-wang and you're looking at a disaster in the making.

But the FUN DOESN'T STOP THERE!

I made a serious, life-altering decision to share some comfort with someone and it resulted in an unplanned pregnancy.  Shocking.....but as soon as I caught my breath I accepted my plight for I brought this upon myself.  I won't even pretend this was an immaculate conception.

So, here I am.........legally separated, single-mom, 4 living sons, one stillborn son, 2 sick sons, financially ruined home-owner of the Money Pit from HELL----and alone and pregnant.  Let's not forget that I also had a very angry estranged husband that cut-off my vehicle insurance and refused to handover the ownership papers so I could insure it myself (nevermind that I had been paying the vehicle insurance myself for years----can you say "begruntled" much?---k, that's the nicest thing I can say about that!) so my wheels were literally rotting away into the paved driveway for 3 yrs.  How nice----NOT.  Borrowing wheels from my mother came with an endless slew of judgment, and I had to always explain why and where I was going.  It sucked the nastiest, sweatiest, stinkiest donkey balls you can imagine!

So anyway.....where was I again????  Oh yes...........we were talking about ME.  "Badluck Shleprock"

Now back to spewing my sarcasm............

My baby was prenatally diagnosed during my fifth month with Trisomy 13---"incompatible with life"...."failure to thrive"........bla bla bla.  I was alone, pregnant, and devastated beyond comprehension.....not to mention scared out of my freaking mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Skip ahead......weeks before Bennett's delivery my estranged husband has me served with papers because he has suddenly decided it would be PERFECT TIMING to drag me into court and try to take away my children.......thereby eliminating my ONLY source of income should he get his way.

Life suddenly got even worse than I could even imagine, but I had no time to think about that.  I had to GO!  It was time to move to Toronto and await the impending arrival of Nimkee.  The weeks were unbearable----like the ticking of a time bomb waiting to go off at any given second.  Was I going to deliver another stillborn son?  Will he survive delivery?  Will he die during delivery?  Will he die right away?  Will I get to hold him?  Will he require surgery?  Will I ever bring him home?????????????

Bennett-Chadlen was born on March 29th, 2 days overdue.  Sadly he passed away 8 days later and my world was turned upside-down again.

Who in their right mind even thinks that going through all of this was going to be easy for me???  How can anyone think that a loving, joyful relationship is going to develop and blossom during the darkest period of my life???????

I trusted this person with my heart and soul.  I shared my deepest love, I leaned hard......I trusted he'd keep his word to be here for me?  I mean really----how could anyone pull away from someone in need such as I was??

I never promised you a rose garden.......isn't that how the song goes???

I made it clear that my life was SHIT.  Pure and utter SHIT.  Let's not sugarcoat the truth.

Yes, I needed comfort and support.....but never did I ask for anything other than loyal friendship in return.  I didn't want money, or entertainment.  I didn't want diamonds or luxurious gifts.  I didn't ask for travel, or expensive dinners out----nothing of the sort!

Just sit with me.  Listen to me.  Hold me.  Care for me.  Laugh with me.

I loved in return.  I was grateful and thankful......and always made it known through my words of gratitude, my affection, my attentions.........I gave it all-----everything that money cannot buy.

Me.......emotionally destitute, nearly bankrupt-----literally shattered----but yet I had it in me to show love, and compassion......and I listened and gave comfort.

I took....but I GAVE just as much or more than I was given.

Where am I now????  Sitting here.......alone........and DISGUSTED.

K.....it's 3 am and I've said all I need to say for one night. Excuse the ramblings of an "allegedly" insane house-mom.  Whatever......Ask yourself.  Where would you be?  You can barely survive being loved and wanted.....let alone have to endure anything quite this emotionally devastating.  I know your story and it melted my heart and made me want to hold on tighter.  What's your excuse???

For what it's worth.......my heart hasn't stopped loving----despite how disgusted I am right now.  Try looking at MY LIFE and stop feeling so victimized, used, and wounded.  Nobody here has harmed you.  You tell me what is a lie in any of this?  Focus on the positive......and be proud of what I have survived and overcome.  Feel lucky.  Feel honoured.  That is how I feel about you.......it's all unconditional.......

Do not blame me because all you can comprehend is negativity.  If all you ever see is the negative and assume the worst in every situation-----then that's all you're ever going to feel.  You will always feel negative and irritable.....uncomfortable......fearful.

I have a right to react to the constant rejection and miscommunication......and don't act shocked.  You have treated me far worse for way less............and that's the honest truth.  Own your mistakes.  I haven't denied mine. 

My apologies are sincere.  My love is real.  My loyalty is unfaltering.  My forgiveness is never-ending.  I don't fear anything, or anyone----but I am choosing to move on with my life and not look back.  I deserve better than what I've allowed and accepted. 

I don't think I will ever understand how anyone can be so mean.  MEAN PEOPLE SUCK!

~Fear vs Love........which feeling will you choose?~

~I bought a new book this weekend.  It was 25% OFF and I couldn't bypass it as it's a program that up until now I had been following online.

The book is entitled "The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse--A Breakthrough Program for Connecting with Your Soul's Deepest Purpose".

The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse is a detox diet for the soul. When you take the time to cleanse your physical body of accumulated stress and toxicity, you are rewarded with increased vitality and optimal health. In the same way, the consciousness cleanse is designed to purify your mind and emotions, bringing you enormous amounts of strength, confidence and deep inner peace. The cleanse is designed to clear away the difficulties of your past—your struggles, stress, hurts and resentments—which may cloud your perception and prevent you from reaching your heart-filled goals.

The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse is a practical program that promises to alter the quality and direction of your life and support you in not only obtaining your goals for the new year, but, more importantly, creating a new loving and nurturing relationship with yourself and with the power that sources you. This program will enable you to take back your power from the outer world, turn inward and reconnect with your inner guide and your highest self. Instead of being guided this year by your head and what you think you should do, you will be inspired and directed by your heart's deepest desires.

~Another book that I'm making my way through is called "WHAT HAPPY PEOPLE KNOW".

Research has shown that the root of unhappiness--fear--lies in the oldest, reptilian part of our brains, and negative reactions are often dictated by primal instincts. We're literally "hardwired for hard times."

First, you'll learn the only two issues that ever cause unhappiness and devise your plan to overcome both of them. Then, Dr. Baker teaches you how to spot the happiness traps, the five doomed ways we try to make ourselves happy, only to dig ourselves further into misery. Finally, he shares his happiness tools, the six simple skills that, when practiced consistently, will inevitably lead to greater optimism, courage, good humor, and fulfillment--in short, to happiness.

 My goal is to understand the things in life that often set us back from achieving our ultimate potential.  There are so many negative factors which affect many of us in unsettling ways and stagnate our ability to move forward with courage and fearlessness.

Let's face it, modern day living is difficult and confusing a lot of the time.  I don't begin to pretend that I have all of the answers, but I will do my best to figure it all out and will share what I have learned with others so that all of you may also learn and grow spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically stronger.

If any of you have already read these books, or plan to---please feel free to share your experiences as you feel moved to.

The most important thing that I have learned thus far is that fear and love cannot co-exist at the same moment in time.  The brain cannot process both of these emotions simultaneously.

You have a decision to make.  You either focus on the fear that binds you, or you make a conscious effort to bypass that and experience joy and inner-peace.

Fear vs Love........which feeling will you choose?

~Winter 21-Day Meditation Challenge~

~As I begin another year in my quest for spiritual growth and enlightenment, I have committed myself to fitting meditation into my daily routine.  I need to find solace in any way possible, and what better way than to just sit idle----silent----focus on your breathing and BE PRESENT IN THE MOMENT?

The last several years have been so unbelievably painful and alternately mind-numbing.  I have developed the ability to hurt as much as I can possibly endure, and then the numbness kicks in so I can breathe again and lull myself back into a sense of security---an escape hatch.

I read that it takes 21-DAYS to create a routine that becomes almost 'reflex-like'.  The thoughts and patterns become an instinct which automatically kicks in when you require that assistance from your psyche.

If you are at a cross-roads, struggling to figure out what to do next, where to go, or just find yourself consumed with the age-old question of WHY?.....then give these meditations a shot.

What do you have to lose?

http://www.chopracentermeditation.com/winterday1/

http://www.chopracentermeditation.com/winterday2/

~If you have 10-15 minutes a day to invest in yourself, these meditations are very worth it.  As I make my way through these days, I will add new links so you too can follow along.

~**~NAMASTE~**~ Love, Peace, & Nimkee-Blessings to you all ~**~

~Solace~

~What does it mean?  Wikipedia describes it as such:     
Solace, from Old French solas, from Latin sōlācium "consolation", meaning comfort or consolation in a time of distress.

~How do you seek solace?

For me, I find that self-induced solitary confinement works best.  I sit and meditate, considering all of the thoughts and feelings that swirl around in my head, listening to that inner-voice that speaks wisdom if we're willing to sit still and quiet enough to hear it.

I sometimes go for long walks and just listen to the sounds of nature, and breath in the fresh air along the shoreline.  I often stop to sit a while on a rock and listen to the waves lapping gently against the pebbles, and feel the warm winds of time softly caressing my cheek, reminding me we're all just individual vessels making our way through this cruel world, one footstep at a time.

At times I love to trek through wooded paths, and smell the pine and mosses, cedar and wildflowers......and listen to the sounds of nature going about life in their own domain.  Every now and again they will let out a little chirp or squeal to let you know you've gotten too close, or to warn others of  your pending arrival.

 

 

  

 

My favourite view is from the top of a mountain, overlooking the vast miles of water and rocks, trees, and clouds....feeling the sunshine on my face and feeling at one with the universe surrounding me.

Is there anything more glorious than sitting around a campfire at night, listening to the crackling coals while  the heat from the flames warm your skin?  The sound of crickets and loons serenade you as you bask in the golden glow, mesmerized by the dancing flames before you.

Sitting on the shore in the early morning hours, watching the dawning of a new day, can be so cathartic.

I feel very blessed to live in this place, I often refer to as a little slice of Heaven Here On Earth.

My inner-voice reminds me that there's so much life out there, and not to be afraid to endure all the challenges and joy that comes with it.  There's a world of endless opportunities before us......Carpe Diem ~ Seize the Day!

I look forward to a lifetime of tomorrows with anticipation, and will always take time out to pick the daisies.........

~The Moral Highground~

~It's been a difficult, yet enlightening start to this new year.  I am learning things I never thought possible.  My eyes have been opened, my heart exposed.

It's painful, but also comes with a huge sense of relief knowing it's over.  There is an end to the push and pull, hot and cold, here and gone.  I feel like I've been riding a carousel to nowhere.  Just going 'round and 'round......and when it stops, nobody knows.

I knew what I was doing when I decided to put myself into this.  I held on tight and enjoyed the ride for as long as possible, but it became nauseating and just wasn't fun or fulfilling anymore.  I finally found the strength to pull the STOP lever and let myself off.

I got out of it what I needed, but there isn't anything left to offer to me.  The patience has expired.  The compassion is gone.  The empathy is non-existent at this point, and it makes me sad because all I really wanted and needed was loyal friendship, through thick and thin.......and I returned it ten-fold.

Now it's over.  I see it's time to part ways indefinitely.  I made the choice to pull myself away and let go.

It wasn't easy.

Today I start a new journey on a straight path leading to who knows where----but it's paved with good intentions and endless possibilities.  I am looking forward to this new adventure.

I'm sure there will be a few bumps and curves to maneuver through, but I'm ready, willing, and able.

Maybe one day we will meet at the cross roads.  We both have healing and growth to do on our own.  We awakened things in each other----lots of it good, some of it painful----but let's be grateful for the time while it lasted.

Hold onto the memories.  Remember the joy----the day trips we took to far off places.......the beaches we explored.......the new foods that we tried......the trails that we hiked......the park we got locked in at night.......the love, the passion, and the tears that we shared.  I shall treasure this always, and can look back on the photos and smile.  I hope one day that you can too.

Providence Bay

Prov Bay at sunset

Niagara in November

Happy Canada Day EH!

Science North

The bed of nails

A day in the sun at our camp in Wiky

Niagara with the wee lads

Hypnotizing Fred to make him stand on his head

Thanks for the awesome dinner!  Fred was deeelish!

Really......need I say more?

Thank you for saving us!

Our paths may cross again and when it does I hope the animosity has subsided.

I can't give what I don't have to give.  I am finishing this trek of the journey alone.

I need to find my way.

I feel much gratitude and love for you and greatly appreciate all that you have given to me to get me through the worst of the grief and heartache.  I can't and won't deny that you helped get me to this point.

You are an awesome person, and I feel honoured to have had the pleasure of your friendship and comfort through everything.

Thank you for remembering Bennett's birth & angel days---and for spending them with me.

Thank you for remembering the significance of Good Friday, and for reaching out when you knew I needed it the most.

Thank you for attending the visits to Sick Kids, for you knew it wouldn't be easy for me.

Thank you for all of the tears you have dried while I leaned on your shoulder.

Thank you for listening to all my stories........no matter how sad.

Thanks for laughing at my silly jokes and making me smile again when I thought I had lost my joy forever.

Thank you for everything.

I wish you peace and love my friend.  You will forever own a piece of my heart.  Gzaagin xxoo

~2 minutes and 42 seconds---DO YOU HAVE THE TIME?~

~2 minutes and 42 seconds--

--do you have the time to view the true heart of humanity at work?

This holiday season, think of the others that many have forgotten or rejected...

..and be grateful for the riches you CAN share IF YOU WANT TO.

Love, Peace, & Nimkee-Blessings to all ♥

~SLOW & STEADY WINS THE RACE~

I'm happy today, very content with how things are slowly unfolding in my life.  I am learning that when you see something you really, really want in life---running out and grabbing it isn't necessarily the best way to go about it.

Take credit cards for example:  Sometimes we really NEED to use them, most often we  just 'charge' it because it's a quick and simple way to acquire what we feel we need, when  we need it!  

But seriously?  Do we really NEED all the stuff we have??

Saving your pennies for a rainy day may take so much longer.....but when the day comes to purchase what our heart desires just think of how much better it feels to be able to get out the savings you've patiently acquired.......and voila!  

We can cherish it so much more when we've had to work harder to get it!

Love lessons in life are like this.

We all wish life could be easier......but what have we learned from life when everything came easily??  

Quite often those things which we have in abundance, a never-ending supply of 'something'.......do we really cherish it the way we should??  Or do we tend to take it for granted??  

Generally it's the latter.

I am currently in a place where I can look back over the last year and see all of the mistakes I have made, by rushing.......and pursuing.....

I can honestly say that it's been driven by pure fear.  Fear of being alone during the dark and sad times.  

Fear of accidentally falling off the edge of the cliff that I was so precariously hanging off of.  

"Please, please, please........don't let me fall!"

And he didn't.  When I needed to be saved......I was.

I'm learning to trust that I haven't been thrown a rotten rope that will break at any given moment in time.

I bought a tiny statue this summer, to place in the Memory Garden of Love that I have created in my backyard in honour of those loved ones we lost.  I named my first little angel, Noah-Alexander, and wanted something special just for him.  The statue is of the 'tortoise and the hare'......complete with racing lights-----Ready----Set----Go!

The sun charges up the battery during the day, when the sun goes down........the race begins!  Those little lights begin to count down to the start.........

We all know the moral of that story:

'Slow and Steady wins the Race!'