~ATTACHMENT vs APPRECIATION & GRATITUDE~

There is a difference between feeling gratitude and appreciation for something, and feeling attachment to something.  Appreciation and gratitude are states of pure love, while attachment contains fear – fear of losing or not having what you are attached to.  When it comes to something you want in your life, appreciation and gratitude attract, and attachment pushes away.  If you are feeling afraid that you will not get what you want, or losing what you have, then you have attachment.  To remove the attachment, keep shifting yourself into a state of appreciation and gratitude, until you can feel that the fear is gone. ~ The Secret

If I'm completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I have always struggled with this issue.  I have zero doubt that I suffer from Attachment & Fear.  I am always afraid of losing the people that I love, or not being loved in return.  It has been stifling and paralyzing to live this way.

I find myself 'stuck' within the guarded walls that I have built up around my fragile and delicate heart.

I am a person of great passion and feel emotions intensely.

While this is great when I'm happy and feeling 'in love'---on those rare occasions when someone has managed to get me to let down my guard and allow them inside my soul's fortress---it is completely devastating and crippling when the seemingly inevitable occurs, and I find myself alone once again.

I can't help but ask myself 'why' does this happen?  Because it is a recurring theme, I must take responsibility for my participation in this outcome.  It always leads me back to one thing.  Fear.

Fear can drive me to do one of two things.  Fight or Flight.

Let's face it.  Anyone that knows me well, knows that I'm a fighter.  I don't back down easily, especially if it's something that I truly believe in.  I don't do things halfway.  It's all or nothing.

I am not afraid of taking certain risks, as long as my own heart isn't involved.

Oh, I can be stubborn and hold back as long as possible.  I hesitate, and examine my surroundings before partaking of the path ahead.  Once I decide to take a step in that direction, nothing can stop me from pursuing my heart's desire.

Admittedly, my choices are often poor, impulsive at times, but always enjoyable in the beginning.  But hey--how do we do know how something may turn out, unless we try it???  I push myself outside my boundaries and comfort levels, always hoping for the best.  I will always make this choice in the end.

What if this could be the best thing to ever happen to me?  What if this is IT?

Then I gather my courage.....and set off on a journey, full of excitement and wonder.  It's a beautiful thing....until the fear and attachment anxiety sets in....which always happens, and sometimes without a good reason.  It's irrational fear which destroys me.

Faced with adversity, I will always stand up for myself, much to the chagrin of whoever dares to defy me.  I will show no mercy.  I will always be honest when voicing my concerns, which to many comes across as rude---but why sugarcoat things, or beat around the bush?  I don't have time for mind-games, nor do I enjoy having them played against me.

I believe in fighting fair.  Speak your truth, don't be insulting or say things that you truly don't mean, and be prepared for the consequences of your decisions.

I do however, have periods of self-doubt---usually when considering the consequences or possible outcomes of the decisions which I am about to make, or the words which I am about to speak---and it's during those times that I waver and the fear overcomes me.

I rapidly process the thoughts in my mind, briefly considering the implications, then push forth----and say what I am feeling.

The biggest problem being, that quite often the recipient of my sentiments, takes great offence without actually hearing that which I am trying desperately to convey.

I see the anger and hear the defensive backlash, and I cringe inside.  The words penetrate me like a dagger in the gut.  I realize that I have been misunderstood, and realize that I must try to redeem myself.  It's too late.  The angry ears aren't listening.  The walls go up, and the Flight response kicks in.

Yes, this is often a 2-way street, and I recognize and admit that I too have been guilty of becoming defensive and/or shutdown before a compromise or solution can be reached.

So now what?  I've made it through the worst of this and am on the other side of the devastation.  I respect the decisions which have been made, and I am ready to accept the consequences.  I did not get to this place alone.

I have analyzed every angle, and in hindsight can see how I was equally as offensive, but I meant every word that I uttered.  I felt disrespected and disgusted, hurt, and scared.  Those are real feelings and I cannot deny myself that honesty.  I need to be true to myself and not settle for less than what I really want or feel that I deserve in this life.

Today is a new day.  

I am ready to move forward and heal.  

I am ready to lay fear aside, and capture and hold onto the essence of Appreciation & Gratitude towards those that own a piece of my heart.

I can't hold onto what I desire, based upon a Fear to let go.  

I need to break free from the anxiety of this Attachment disorder which binds me to this place of loneliness and despair.

Thank-you for loving me, believing in me, and for sharing this time with me.  

I Appreciate all that you have done for my children and I.  

I feel much Gratitude towards you for everything. 

I love you.  Unconditionally.

~LOVE vs HATE~

I've been plagued with a problem for quite some time now, and haven't known how to view it, or how to respond. I've tried various tactics and none of them have worked towards bringing me any sort of inner-peace until last night. Now that the initial sting and anger has passed, I've made a decision to just keep on loving, as that is what my heart is feeling.

The hurt is still there, consuming me night and day---caused by the depth of this emotion called 'caring', 'compassion', & 'empathy'.

{To be compassionate means to be aware of and sympathetic to the suffering of others. To be empathetic means to be able to notice the subtle verbal and non-verbal signals people give off that let you know what they need or want.

Compassionate, empathetic people are able to really listen to and understand the experiences that other people describe.

Their willingness to put their own concerns away for a while and to really witness and experience others' experiences is universally appreciated as a genuine and precious gift which decreases loneliness, bonds people together (creating stronger, deeper relationships), and enhances self-esteem and self-worth for both relationship partners.}

In my current situation, I can truly understand what is occurring, even though I may not understand why.

I decided to do a little digging on the internet to see what I'd find about such a phenomenon as LOVE vs HATE---and how there's a fine line between the two.

Living LOVE in the NOW, allows us to experience Joy now and continue to produce it until we have so much that we simply want to share it. By sharing it, we encourage others to feel Joy and for them to leave behind their negative emotions and glide forward into a self-empowering future. Living love now means being optimistic in that reality is faced, problems are acknowledged, solutions are sought and found, and harmony is maintained or extended to bring Joy. Living love means being humble and self-aware enough to acknowledge one's life as a miracle, one's place in the universe as miniscule, one's influence on others as great as their's can be on us. Truth becomes understanding that is relevant. Love is its own JUSTICE.

Living HATE in the NOW, prevents us from experiencing Joy and concentrates our energy on being distant, apart, rejected, needy, insufficient, anxious, fearful, and aggressive. We have nothing to share with others, only something to take. We want to take their time with our self-obsessed talk. We want to take their energy with their attempts to rescue us. We want to take their sympathy to make us feel important. We want to take their involvement, to make them equal in guilt and shame. We want to take their hopefulness and reverence and project our anger and pain into them. We threaten them with inflamed words and blame their fear filled reaction on the enemy we have identified as our excuse for self-righteousness. We will make our target "pay" for making us feel less than we would like to be.

Those who choose to Hate live in a fantasy that reality should give them what they want and that others should ignore their disrespect, their inconsistencies, their irresponsibility, their stubbornness to repeat errors, their willingness to victimize and become victims of their own actions. Hate means being proud enough to play god with the meaning of the actions of others, and, deceive and manipulate others to do what we want done. We seek to dominate one or more others by depriving them of their Rights. Truth becomes the rationalizations and fantasies that we use to deny reality. Hate is born in real and imagined injustice and feeds upon unresolved justice to construct greater injustices against others.

There is nothing to be won by being vindictive or venomous, due to built up resentment, and lack of joy or inner-peace. I understand the fears, confusion, and interference that often affect a person's mindset or belief system when one allows outside influences to overtake the heart. Gossip breeds doubt, insecurities, and can lead to hate.

I know where my heart is, and what it feels. No matter what happens next, or where life is leading me, I choose to be the Lover in the equation. I will not deny thyself of this healing and comforting pleasure. 

May you all receive the ability to love, with compassion and limitless empathy; create healing and comforting relationships in your lives; and be brave enough to choose the path of forgiveness and acceptance.

~Carpe Diem ~ Seize the Day~

~ Day 3 of NaBloPoMo

Today is a grey day.  The skies are grey.....my mood is grey.....my thoughts and feelings are various shades of grey.

The snow is finally all gone and the grass is finally turning a bright hue of green.  The daffodils and hyacinth are popping up and there are robins hopping around looking for worms and bits of twigs and straw to make their nests.  Signs of new life are everywhere.

I feel like I have too many pokers in the fire right now.  So much to do, so little motivation to get started.  This dreary weather and rainy days don't help much.  Where are the warm temps of spring?  Please Mr. Sunshine----shine down on me!

The list of tasks seems endless.

• First and foremost----DUMP RUNS!  My yard looks like a bad episode of Sanford & Son.  Seriously, it's nuts! 
• I want to organize my home and finish some demolition jobs to open everything up and let the light and heat circulate.  
• I'm in the process of setting up my (almost) 13-yr old with his own room and giving him some independence and privacy that all new teens crave so much.  
• I need to repair my 'less-than-a-yr-old' fence that my neighbours kids took so much pleasure in destroying by any means necessary.
• I really want to focus on getting my gardens back into tip-top shape, and I want to plant vegetables again.  I love being able to watch it all grow, then go out and pick the fresh veggies for dinner.  There's really nothing like it.
• I want to fill my rooms with vases of fresh-cut flowers from my yard.  This is something I haven't done in years.

What has stopped me?

I've felt so emotionally overwhelmed by everything.  The thoughts and feelings became burdensome and difficult to lay aside and carry on with 'business as usual'.  I lost my focus and my drive.  I needed to take a 'timeout' and catch my breath.  Existence was my only goal.

I spent the last year working very hard at finding myself again.  I've struggled with identity loss for what seems like forever, and I did it alone.  I had to lay aside some relationships and just do this for ME.  I knew that I was risking losing those people that I valued, but it was necessary and I don't regret a moment of it.  The way I see it, if I'm worth anything to anyone, then those people will stand behind me and encourage my goals and accept my faults patiently.

I've had this idea in my mind of who and what I am, but placing it all strategically and making full use of these notions to the best of my ability has evaded me.  It isn't easy, and no one has the right to judge until they've spent a day in my life.  The heartache seemed endless......I'd lost so much in such a brief period of time.

Today, I stand proud, with my head held high.  I am a survivor.  I am a mother.  I am an independent woman that leans on no one financially to help me get ahead.  Needing to talk to someone isn't a weakness.  We all need to reach out and verbalize our 'stuff'.  It's healthy and necessary for successful healing.  I find no shame in doing so.

Did I make mistakes during a vulnerable time in my life?  Maybe........

Will I do it again..........Maybe.......

Will I get through it all successfully with grace and dignity intact?...........

ABSOLUTELY!  That's a promise.  I am focused and ready for anything and everything.

Tomorrow is another day, and I look forward to it, each and every single day.  There's a world of endless possibilities in every sunset and sunrise......Carpe Diem.  Seize the Day.

~Today is International Babylost Mother's Day~

http://internationalbabylostmothersday.blogspot.com/

Today is International Babylost Mother's Day.  The following exert is from the blog: 

"United in grief, we find love and strength.

IBMD recognizes babylost women all over the world as mothers. Just because a woman loses her baby does not mean that she is not a mother anymore. She will be a mother for the rest of her life.

On the first Sunday in May we come together to celebrate our connection, our children and our hope for the future. IBMD is a day for love, peace, remembrance and recognition.

If you know a babylost woman why not tell her today that she is a beautiful mother by sending here one of our flowers from The Rainbow Flower Gallery."~International Babylost Mother's Day

~sampling of flowers from The Rainbow Flower Gallery~

 Today I send out comforting hugs, and prayers of peace, to all grieving Mother's around the world xxoo

~It's 2 am and I'm too tired to sleep.......

~So I know that doesn't make any sense at all, but it's my overworked mind that is exhausted, but restless.  I'm sure most of us can understand that concept?

It seems that there just aren't enough hours in the day for me anymore.  I have so much that I want to do, but yet my body says NOOOOO.  I've tried ignoring my body and pushed through with my goals, only to find out that was the very wrong thing to do in this condition.  It's so frustrating!!!

So here I am, trying to cram in some words that I want to stop from swirling around in my brain making me nauseous.

First of all----this heartburn can take a hike any time now!  I am pretty sure it's related to the bazillion meds I have to swallow each day.  I think I need to add an antacid to this......Ranitidine perhaps??  I took this before for some prescribed anti-inflammatories which ended up disagreeing with me in unmentionable ways!  It was horrible......but I didn't have heartburn---so I guess it worked??

Here's a refresher for those that may not have seen the previous post about my "condition":

 

Looking at these photos isn't making this indigestion go away any faster!!!

Speaking of said "condition", I am off to the mainland tomorrow for another Lung Function Test as the results of my screening test last week were unsatisfactory.  Since this might be related to the lupus, we need to be proactive in seeking answers.  I am remaining positive and hoping for the best!

I repeat to myself......I will heal.  I am healing.  I will be healthy.  I AM HEALTHY........I have a goal to live to be 100 YEARS OLD---AND I'M GONNA (beeping) DO IT TOO!

I am determined.......and I have to say that I've been fairly successful in maintaining this cheery outlook since I made it a priority to focus on ME for a change.

Now......the other issue.  I am disgusted.  I am sickened.  I am thoroughly and utterly appalled at the insensitivity and hideous reactions of someone I deeply admired.  I don't even know what to think anymore.  I feel so..............dare I repeat myself?......DISGUSTED.  I am more disgusted with this person than I have ever been with anyone else.

Why?  Because I honestly didn't ever think that he was capable of such gross and indecent behaviour.

I know I haven't been a barrel of monkeys fun to be around, but holy hell.........look at my life for F-sakes!!!  I have done the best I can, while maintaining a level head (for the most part) through the most horrific experience that any mother can live through.

Add D-I-V-O-R-C-E and financial issues up the wing-wang and you're looking at a disaster in the making.

But the FUN DOESN'T STOP THERE!

I made a serious, life-altering decision to share some comfort with someone and it resulted in an unplanned pregnancy.  Shocking.....but as soon as I caught my breath I accepted my plight for I brought this upon myself.  I won't even pretend this was an immaculate conception.

So, here I am.........legally separated, single-mom, 4 living sons, one stillborn son, 2 sick sons, financially ruined home-owner of the Money Pit from HELL----and alone and pregnant.  Let's not forget that I also had a very angry estranged husband that cut-off my vehicle insurance and refused to handover the ownership papers so I could insure it myself (nevermind that I had been paying the vehicle insurance myself for years----can you say "begruntled" much?---k, that's the nicest thing I can say about that!) so my wheels were literally rotting away into the paved driveway for 3 yrs.  How nice----NOT.  Borrowing wheels from my mother came with an endless slew of judgment, and I had to always explain why and where I was going.  It sucked the nastiest, sweatiest, stinkiest donkey balls you can imagine!

So anyway.....where was I again????  Oh yes...........we were talking about ME.  "Badluck Shleprock"

Now back to spewing my sarcasm............

My baby was prenatally diagnosed during my fifth month with Trisomy 13---"incompatible with life"...."failure to thrive"........bla bla bla.  I was alone, pregnant, and devastated beyond comprehension.....not to mention scared out of my freaking mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Skip ahead......weeks before Bennett's delivery my estranged husband has me served with papers because he has suddenly decided it would be PERFECT TIMING to drag me into court and try to take away my children.......thereby eliminating my ONLY source of income should he get his way.

Life suddenly got even worse than I could even imagine, but I had no time to think about that.  I had to GO!  It was time to move to Toronto and await the impending arrival of Nimkee.  The weeks were unbearable----like the ticking of a time bomb waiting to go off at any given second.  Was I going to deliver another stillborn son?  Will he survive delivery?  Will he die during delivery?  Will he die right away?  Will I get to hold him?  Will he require surgery?  Will I ever bring him home?????????????

Bennett-Chadlen was born on March 29th, 2 days overdue.  Sadly he passed away 8 days later and my world was turned upside-down again.

Who in their right mind even thinks that going through all of this was going to be easy for me???  How can anyone think that a loving, joyful relationship is going to develop and blossom during the darkest period of my life???????

I trusted this person with my heart and soul.  I shared my deepest love, I leaned hard......I trusted he'd keep his word to be here for me?  I mean really----how could anyone pull away from someone in need such as I was??

I never promised you a rose garden.......isn't that how the song goes???

I made it clear that my life was SHIT.  Pure and utter SHIT.  Let's not sugarcoat the truth.

Yes, I needed comfort and support.....but never did I ask for anything other than loyal friendship in return.  I didn't want money, or entertainment.  I didn't want diamonds or luxurious gifts.  I didn't ask for travel, or expensive dinners out----nothing of the sort!

Just sit with me.  Listen to me.  Hold me.  Care for me.  Laugh with me.

I loved in return.  I was grateful and thankful......and always made it known through my words of gratitude, my affection, my attentions.........I gave it all-----everything that money cannot buy.

Me.......emotionally destitute, nearly bankrupt-----literally shattered----but yet I had it in me to show love, and compassion......and I listened and gave comfort.

I took....but I GAVE just as much or more than I was given.

Where am I now????  Sitting here.......alone........and DISGUSTED.

K.....it's 3 am and I've said all I need to say for one night. Excuse the ramblings of an "allegedly" insane house-mom.  Whatever......Ask yourself.  Where would you be?  You can barely survive being loved and wanted.....let alone have to endure anything quite this emotionally devastating.  I know your story and it melted my heart and made me want to hold on tighter.  What's your excuse???

For what it's worth.......my heart hasn't stopped loving----despite how disgusted I am right now.  Try looking at MY LIFE and stop feeling so victimized, used, and wounded.  Nobody here has harmed you.  You tell me what is a lie in any of this?  Focus on the positive......and be proud of what I have survived and overcome.  Feel lucky.  Feel honoured.  That is how I feel about you.......it's all unconditional.......

Do not blame me because all you can comprehend is negativity.  If all you ever see is the negative and assume the worst in every situation-----then that's all you're ever going to feel.  You will always feel negative and irritable.....uncomfortable......fearful.

I have a right to react to the constant rejection and miscommunication......and don't act shocked.  You have treated me far worse for way less............and that's the honest truth.  Own your mistakes.  I haven't denied mine. 

My apologies are sincere.  My love is real.  My loyalty is unfaltering.  My forgiveness is never-ending.  I don't fear anything, or anyone----but I am choosing to move on with my life and not look back.  I deserve better than what I've allowed and accepted. 

I don't think I will ever understand how anyone can be so mean.  MEAN PEOPLE SUCK!

~The Story of Unconditional Love Through My Eyes~

"Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It's about understanding that he is exactly the person he is supposed to be. And that, if you're lucky, he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be." ~The Water Giver

I came across this quote today and it brought to mind my youngest son Bennett-Chadlen.  Upon further inspection, this Mother wrote this book all about her son that nearly died in an accident and struggles with an Acquired Brain Injury.  

It is the story of a Mother's love and determination to assist her child to succeed and re-learn all the things that many of us take for granted.  Through her writings we are able to observe not only her feelings, but the healing journey and poignant look into this family's day to day experiences.

The Water Bearer is a story that I could have written myself, and maybe one day I will, as I too am the Mother of a son that has struggled through life with the residual effects of his own Traumatic Brain Injury received after being struck by a teenage driver at the age of 4.

It is a story that I became re-acquainted with when I learned of Tristan and Tanner's 'Hereditary Spherocytosis', and again when Bennett-Chadlen was diagnosed prenatally with his Trisomy 13.

The love for my son's has sustained me, and pushed me to persevere through excruciating times in our life.  There were days I felt utterly alone and overcome with emotions.  Some days I could only sit alone and cry and wonder WHY?  Why so much heartache?  Why me?  Why us?  WHY, WHY, WHY?

In the silence that followed the deep purging of fearful tears and the ever-nagging, complex questions I had for the universe......I felt renewed and gained the strength and courage necessary to take each burden and create a challenge to overcome.

I was born and blessed with a fierce determination to identify and tackle all of life's challenges to the best of my ability.  I create a list of 'things to DO', and I won't stop until I have exhausted that list.  When I cannot think of one more thing to DO, I will then take a deep breath and chalk that up to a learning experience and do my best to function and cope with the daily struggles.

I appreciate each and every day, and cherish the small things in life.  I start and end each day with an awareness of the miracles surrounding us and I'm grateful for the pure gift of life.

My boys have taught me to love deeply, unconditionally.  Because of them I strive to be a better person.  There are no words that can capture the true essence of my love and admiration for all of the special  people in my love that I hold near, and dear to my heart.

I shall leave you with these words.......

Face each challenge.  DO your best.  Be brave, courageous, and compassionate in everything you DO.

And always remember ~ There is no such thing as failure.

~photo courtesy of Heather Renee Morgan of Lifespark.ca~

~Fear vs Love........which feeling will you choose?~

~I bought a new book this weekend.  It was 25% OFF and I couldn't bypass it as it's a program that up until now I had been following online.

The book is entitled "The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse--A Breakthrough Program for Connecting with Your Soul's Deepest Purpose".

The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse is a detox diet for the soul. When you take the time to cleanse your physical body of accumulated stress and toxicity, you are rewarded with increased vitality and optimal health. In the same way, the consciousness cleanse is designed to purify your mind and emotions, bringing you enormous amounts of strength, confidence and deep inner peace. The cleanse is designed to clear away the difficulties of your past—your struggles, stress, hurts and resentments—which may cloud your perception and prevent you from reaching your heart-filled goals.

The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse is a practical program that promises to alter the quality and direction of your life and support you in not only obtaining your goals for the new year, but, more importantly, creating a new loving and nurturing relationship with yourself and with the power that sources you. This program will enable you to take back your power from the outer world, turn inward and reconnect with your inner guide and your highest self. Instead of being guided this year by your head and what you think you should do, you will be inspired and directed by your heart's deepest desires.

~Another book that I'm making my way through is called "WHAT HAPPY PEOPLE KNOW".

Research has shown that the root of unhappiness--fear--lies in the oldest, reptilian part of our brains, and negative reactions are often dictated by primal instincts. We're literally "hardwired for hard times."

First, you'll learn the only two issues that ever cause unhappiness and devise your plan to overcome both of them. Then, Dr. Baker teaches you how to spot the happiness traps, the five doomed ways we try to make ourselves happy, only to dig ourselves further into misery. Finally, he shares his happiness tools, the six simple skills that, when practiced consistently, will inevitably lead to greater optimism, courage, good humor, and fulfillment--in short, to happiness.

 My goal is to understand the things in life that often set us back from achieving our ultimate potential.  There are so many negative factors which affect many of us in unsettling ways and stagnate our ability to move forward with courage and fearlessness.

Let's face it, modern day living is difficult and confusing a lot of the time.  I don't begin to pretend that I have all of the answers, but I will do my best to figure it all out and will share what I have learned with others so that all of you may also learn and grow spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically stronger.

If any of you have already read these books, or plan to---please feel free to share your experiences as you feel moved to.

The most important thing that I have learned thus far is that fear and love cannot co-exist at the same moment in time.  The brain cannot process both of these emotions simultaneously.

You have a decision to make.  You either focus on the fear that binds you, or you make a conscious effort to bypass that and experience joy and inner-peace.

Fear vs Love........which feeling will you choose?

~Winter 21-Day Meditation Challenge~

~As I begin another year in my quest for spiritual growth and enlightenment, I have committed myself to fitting meditation into my daily routine.  I need to find solace in any way possible, and what better way than to just sit idle----silent----focus on your breathing and BE PRESENT IN THE MOMENT?

The last several years have been so unbelievably painful and alternately mind-numbing.  I have developed the ability to hurt as much as I can possibly endure, and then the numbness kicks in so I can breathe again and lull myself back into a sense of security---an escape hatch.

I read that it takes 21-DAYS to create a routine that becomes almost 'reflex-like'.  The thoughts and patterns become an instinct which automatically kicks in when you require that assistance from your psyche.

If you are at a cross-roads, struggling to figure out what to do next, where to go, or just find yourself consumed with the age-old question of WHY?.....then give these meditations a shot.

What do you have to lose?

http://www.chopracentermeditation.com/winterday1/

http://www.chopracentermeditation.com/winterday2/

~If you have 10-15 minutes a day to invest in yourself, these meditations are very worth it.  As I make my way through these days, I will add new links so you too can follow along.

~**~NAMASTE~**~ Love, Peace, & Nimkee-Blessings to you all ~**~

~The Moral Highground~

~It's been a difficult, yet enlightening start to this new year.  I am learning things I never thought possible.  My eyes have been opened, my heart exposed.

It's painful, but also comes with a huge sense of relief knowing it's over.  There is an end to the push and pull, hot and cold, here and gone.  I feel like I've been riding a carousel to nowhere.  Just going 'round and 'round......and when it stops, nobody knows.

I knew what I was doing when I decided to put myself into this.  I held on tight and enjoyed the ride for as long as possible, but it became nauseating and just wasn't fun or fulfilling anymore.  I finally found the strength to pull the STOP lever and let myself off.

I got out of it what I needed, but there isn't anything left to offer to me.  The patience has expired.  The compassion is gone.  The empathy is non-existent at this point, and it makes me sad because all I really wanted and needed was loyal friendship, through thick and thin.......and I returned it ten-fold.

Now it's over.  I see it's time to part ways indefinitely.  I made the choice to pull myself away and let go.

It wasn't easy.

Today I start a new journey on a straight path leading to who knows where----but it's paved with good intentions and endless possibilities.  I am looking forward to this new adventure.

I'm sure there will be a few bumps and curves to maneuver through, but I'm ready, willing, and able.

Maybe one day we will meet at the cross roads.  We both have healing and growth to do on our own.  We awakened things in each other----lots of it good, some of it painful----but let's be grateful for the time while it lasted.

Hold onto the memories.  Remember the joy----the day trips we took to far off places.......the beaches we explored.......the new foods that we tried......the trails that we hiked......the park we got locked in at night.......the love, the passion, and the tears that we shared.  I shall treasure this always, and can look back on the photos and smile.  I hope one day that you can too.

Providence Bay

Prov Bay at sunset

Niagara in November

Happy Canada Day EH!

Science North

The bed of nails

A day in the sun at our camp in Wiky

Niagara with the wee lads

Hypnotizing Fred to make him stand on his head

Thanks for the awesome dinner!  Fred was deeelish!

Really......need I say more?

Thank you for saving us!

Our paths may cross again and when it does I hope the animosity has subsided.

I can't give what I don't have to give.  I am finishing this trek of the journey alone.

I need to find my way.

I feel much gratitude and love for you and greatly appreciate all that you have given to me to get me through the worst of the grief and heartache.  I can't and won't deny that you helped get me to this point.

You are an awesome person, and I feel honoured to have had the pleasure of your friendship and comfort through everything.

Thank you for remembering Bennett's birth & angel days---and for spending them with me.

Thank you for remembering the significance of Good Friday, and for reaching out when you knew I needed it the most.

Thank you for attending the visits to Sick Kids, for you knew it wouldn't be easy for me.

Thank you for all of the tears you have dried while I leaned on your shoulder.

Thank you for listening to all my stories........no matter how sad.

Thanks for laughing at my silly jokes and making me smile again when I thought I had lost my joy forever.

Thank you for everything.

I wish you peace and love my friend.  You will forever own a piece of my heart.  Gzaagin xxoo

~The Road to Recovery~

~Once upon a time.................I naively thought I had found the man that I was going to spend the rest of my days with.  I was wrong.

Since I decided that 2011 was going to be MY YEAR for all POSITIVE CHANGES I figured I may as well just get painfully honest with myself and admit that I've been beating a dead horse.

I made the blunderous error of falling in love with my best male friend. 

I remember one of the very first interactions that made me think "this one's different".

He took it upon himself to scour my facebook info and found my web urls.  He stayed up one night and read my blog entries about Bennett-Chadlen and then wrote me a very poignant, heartfelt email allowing me to know how sorry he was, and how he had read it through tears.  He then shared with me intimate details of his own story of losing his mother at the tender age of 16.  My heart was touched.  His words stirred my barely beating heart.

As the days became weeks, he made it his daily goal to put a smile on my face.  He was funny, witty, and sarcastic---he always made me laugh.  He shared videos and emails throughout the night so I always had something awaiting my attentions first thing every morning.  He phoned me on his days off and we'd talk the entire day away, reminiscing about the grade school days.

I began to depend on those daily affirmations that my very battered and broken-heart was actually capable of healing.  I was able to look forward to waking up and live another day.

In time I was able to speak candidly about my loss, the details of my failed marriage, my children's health concerns, and my own fears about my future.  He listened patiently.

I expressed how my feelings were beginning to grow and change.  I was perplexed and keenly interested in getting to know him better.  I made a date to visit him in Toronto and see how it went.  It was great---rejuvenating, invigorating, and amazing.  I wasn't able to continue with a long-distance relationship so he moved back here to this little island town where we both grew up.

I knew it was wrong of me to allow this to develop but I couldn't resist.  I really 'needed' this friend in my life.  I was bruised and battered.....weak....lost......emotionally bankrupt.  For lack of a better term......I was a complete and utter mess!

I trusted he would understand and have faith in me.  I was certain my loyalty would be rewarded and returned to me.  Isn't that what friends do?  I wasn't just a greedy 'taker', I also gave everything I had the ability to share through my healing journey.  I gave my never-ending gratitude and affection.

I give up.  He doesn't have the ability to understand how difficult all of this has been for me.  I have been trying to heal from my losses, and give whatever little extra energy I had leftover to nurture this relationship.

It is not going to happen so it's time to move on to Plan B.

I am making a to-do list for this year, and the top of the list is "self-discovery".  In order to accomplish this I am making time to read a few books that I purchased 3 years ago.

Today's book of choice!

 How Not To Be Afraid Of Your Own Life.....opening your heart to Confidence, Intimacy, and Joy

I refuse to get bogged with down things that I have absolutely no control over.  I won't keep up this cycle of push, pull, love, abandon, comfort, reject.........betrayal is a bitch.

I'll keep you updated on all of the interesting and enlightening information I come across.

Now it's time to sleep.....tomorrow is another day!