~Awakening~

~There comes a point in every relationship where you have to ask yourself if it's beneficial to continue this?

Is it safe to share the "inner-workings of me" with this person?  What are the risks?  What may be the pay-offs?  What is the worst thing that could happen?

It's generally this last question that stops me dead in my tracks like the proverbial 'deer caught in the headlights'.

If we're honest with ourselves, the answer to that question is (for me personally anyway):

• He may not understand.
• He may get really uncomfortable with this much honesty.
• He may think less of me.
• He may convince himself there's something really wrong with me, too much emotional baggage and not worth the hassle or commitment to the investing of time required to work through this.
• He may be ill-equipped to deal with me, no matter how much he wishes he could.
• He may just say......screw this.  I need a beer and a cigarette and I'm staying home or going to the bar.
• He may feel ashamed to love someone that is crazy enough to write this blog and share my most intimate fears openly.
• He may worry what his friends will think of him, or me, or both.
• I may get rejected, abandoned, and just outright publicly shunned.

How humiliating.  Brutally honest----YES----but also I risk persecution, judgment, and humiliation by writing this.

What is the pay-off  for this?

• Others may identify with my fears and feel less alone if they too are currently, or have experienced something similar in the past.
• Someone that has no clue about me might just learn something about me.  "Maybe I'm not as shallow or weird as they think I may be?"
• I feel like I've put myself on "public notice", therefore it's necessary to continue on this path---much like those on the reality tv shows that want to publicly lose weight and know that having the public eye scrutinizing them is (I already established that it's more than a little humiliating), but let's face it----it's also liberating and can push you to show onlookers you have the moxy required to reach your goals.
• I have the opportunity to dispel myth and rumours, and give people something honest and poignant to gossip about for a change.  

• "You want to talk about me?  Well, here you go.  Knock yourself out.  I'm real.  I have real fears.  I have real heartache.  I have real life-altering dilemmas.  I have real financial issues.  I have real emotional issues.  I have gut-wrenching raw grief over the loss of my family, marriage, business, current relationship, and most of all over the loss of my babies Noah and Bennett-Chadlen."  How's that for honest?

   The craziest statement I can openly admit to here and now is that I am in-love with my best friend and a lot of the time it feels great, but some of the time it feels as though it is literally killing me.  I try to hide my emotions and not expose those most intimate details with others because this isn't a conventional relationship, and I don't understand it myself.  How can I explain it to anyone else?
  
  Bottom line being......it's nobody else's business.  That said, I honestly do feel the need to just put it out there and let everyone know how I really, really feel about this man.
  
  He is awesome, and amazing.  He makes me laugh.  He listens intently to the things I feel the need to express.  I know that my tears and openness can cause him discomfort at times because there is that level of caring that causes good people like him to ask themselves, "What should I do now?  How do I fix this?  What should I say?  Eeeks.....help.....I don't know what to do or say and I feel really awkward right now, so I'm going to bolt at the first chance I get and stay away for a few weeks, in silence to figure this crap out."
  
  So this brings me back to that age-old question?  What do I do now?  Should I just listen to my rational mind saying "be brave, don't run and hide as usual, and it's going to be ok."  That seems to be the smartest option at this particular moment in time.
  
  This love stuff is hard.  How much emotional baggage is too much?  I can't speak for anybody else but I can say that I know I am carting around a seemingly bottomless sack of 'emotions' that need to be dealt with before I can even feel the least bit comfortable inflicting myself on anyone else.
  
  Being in a co-dependent cycle is not my thing.  It's not healthy, or fun, and it very seldom evolves to anything good in the long run.  I don't want to be someone's emotional or financial burden.  Unless you've signed a contract or have court documents stating that you have to take full responsibility for me, then no worries.  You don't owe me a damn thing.
  
  No matter what happens next, I do have the complete satisfaction in knowing that I am now being true to myself and not allowing anyone to sway my judgment, or manipulate my feelings and thought processes.  This is the only life I have, and today is the only day that matters in the grand scheme of things.
  
  Thank you to my awesome and amazing friend for all that you have helped me through thus far.  You have touched my heart deeply through your willingness to assist me through the worst of my grief, when I was the lowest of the low.  You have literally seen me at my worst and nothing will ever take me back to that place again.  I appreciate your thoughtfulness, your ability to forgive, and your generosity.  Loving you is the most amazing feeling, one I thought I'd never experience like this.  It is my wish to become an even stronger woman through this journey I call my life, and I feel so blessed to have the honour to say I've shared a significant amount of it with you.
  
   I admire your loyalty, and respect your need to sometimes pull back and re-group.  I may not always like it, but I accept it as necessary for your own healing journey of complete self-discovery.
  
  I will love you always..........and treasure you forever.
  

  

  Thank you for lifting me up when I was too afraid and too weak to stand on my own.